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Jun 29
  • Written By Ashley Jo Brewer

    • #109 – Titus Gardner

    #109 - Titus Gardner

    Titus’ Story

    Titus Gardner was born in Portchester, NY and raised by a man who he later found out was not his biological father. This news devastated Titus and he found himself in the throes of an identity crisis. Later in life, when he was a teenager, both of his parents were diagnosed with HIV/AIDS, a disease that ultimately ended both of their lives. 

    Following the death of his parents, Titus found himself on the streets as a high level drug dealer who ‘always had a place to stay.’ Alcohol became his outlet to cope with the stress life threw his way. It wasn’t until March 31, 2020 that Titus began a journey of self-healing and recovery. He has since started an Instagram account to encourage and help others to find strength and share their stories. 

    Titus currently serves as the Vice President for a Fortune 1000 company overseeing the Arizona market. When he’s not working or connecting with others in recovery, Titus enjoys spending time with his wife and children.

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    Episode Transcript

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Coming up on this episode of The Courage to Change…

    Titus:

    I shoot the gun and I shoot the window, the passenger side window out. And tell them that was dumb of him, and if he did something that stupid again, the next one wouldn’t just be the window. It’s so stupid. And anyway, there’s an undercover cop behind us. And-

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Of course there is. How could there not be?

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Hello, beautiful people. Welcome to The Courage to Change, a Recovery Podcast. I am talking quickly and my name is Ashley Loeb Blassingame. And today, I met with, and had a little fireside chat with my friend. Titus Gardner.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Titus was born in Port Chester, New York. That was terrible. That’s embarrassing. And raised by a man whom he later found out was not his biological father. This news devastated Titus, obviously, and he found himself in the throws of an identity crisis.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Later in life, when he was a teenager, both of his parents were diagnosed with HIV AIDS, a disease that ultimately took both of their lives. Following the death of his parents, Titus found himself on the streets as a high level drug dealer who always had a place to stay.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Alcohol became his outlet to cope with the stress life threw his way. It wasn’t until March 31st, 2020 that Titus began a journey of self healing and recovery. Titus currently serves as the Vice President for a Fortune 1000 company overseeing the Arizona market.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    When he’s not working or connecting with others in recovery, Titus enjoys spending time with his wife and children.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Titus in the house. You guys, Titus is the sweetest man and has the most pleasant voice. I was just talking with Ashley and Christiana. He had the most… His voice and his story do not match. He’s was this high level drug dealer. He’s talking about putting stuff out on consignment. And the way his voice sounds, you might think he’s talking about clothes or furniture, but he’s not guys. He’s talking about some serious drugs and alcohol. Maybe not alcohol, drugs.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    And we hear a lot of the recovery pieces, like running from feelings, and looking for the differences, not the similarities, and addict thinking, alcoholic thinking. Titus covers all of those. And what’s really cool is that he also talks deeply about his recovery experience and what it’s like to be in recovery now.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    He’s actually formerly a Lion Rock Recovery client. He contacted Lion Rock Recovery in 2020 and has been sober ever since. We recorded this episode on his one year. So that was very exciting and ceremonious. And I think you will just enjoy Titus as I did.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    He’s just a lovely human being and such an example of how we can go from these crazy sea urchin creature people doing horrible things, to law abiding and contributing members of society. And Titus, he is no exception to that story. And I hope that you hear something that helps you.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    So without further ado, my friends, we have Episode 109. Let’s do this.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    You are listening to The Courage to Change, a Recovery Podcast. We’re a community of recovering people who have overcome the odds and found the courage to change. Each week, we share stories of recovery from substance abuse, eating disorders, grief and loss, childhood trauma, and other life-changing experiences.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Come join us no matter where you are on your recovery journey.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Awesome. Hi, Titus. Thanks for being here.

    Titus:

    Yeah. Hi, how are you?

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    I am doing well. I’m very excited to have this conversation with you.

    Titus:

    Yeah, same here. Thank you. I appreciate you having me.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Yeah. I want to kick off with my Season 3 icebreaker ask, which is actually pretty funny for yours. You sent us, we start with a bad haircut photo, that gets posted online. And I laughed out loud when I saw your photo, because it’s just a picture of you with a shaved head.

    Titus:

    There’s no hair.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    That’s so good. Oh, it’s so good. Okay. And I have to ask, how old were you in this picture?

    Titus:

    Oh gosh. It was less than two years ago. So what, 44?

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Okay. All right. All right, so if this is your worst haircut picture, you’re doing all right.

    Titus:

    Is that old enough to know better?

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Young enough to do it again? I think so.

    Titus:

    Exactly.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Yeah. That was my age for a long time, when people asked me how old I was. When I was in those teen years, with going to Vegas, and I was like, “I’m old enough to know better, young enough to do it again.”

    Titus:

    That’s right. That’s awesome.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Oh God. Yeah. So how long have you… You’re in Arizona right now, right?

    Titus:

    I am. Yes.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Where in Arizona are you?

    Titus:

    I am actually in Surprise, Arizona.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Oh, nice. Nice. It’s starting to get warm.

    Titus:

    It is. We’re going to hit, I believe on Saturday, we’ll be hitting about 96 degrees.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Oh, you are… Oh, we’re back to summer. Okay. Got it.

    Titus:

    Yeah. We’re back to summer.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Yeah. We’re back to summer. Okay, great.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    We’re actually, I’m in Southern California. We’re actually in the high 80s and it’s…

    Titus:

    Oh wow.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    I won’t say what month it is because that’ll screw us up with, I don’t even know when this podcast will come out, but we’re not too far off of you guys. But you did not grow up in Arizona. You grew up in Port Chester, New York.

    Titus:

    I did. I did. So I was born in Port Chester in 1974. Lived in Yonkers for a little bit in my early teenage years. And we actually moved to Colorado Springs in 1988 when I was about 13.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Oh wow. Okay. And Colorado Springs is beautiful.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Some interesting things, you grew up with a father that you didn’t know was not your biological father and you found out in a kind of a cruel way. And then your dad, and is it the same dad, ended up going to jail. Got in some trouble when you were about 10 and 11. Can you take us through that time?

    Titus:

    Yeah. My father met my mom, I guess, when I was about two. And this was in New York, in Port Chester. And as I grew up, I just always, that was the house, father, mother. Started having siblings, and that was the family structure.

    Titus:

    Well, my father also had family in Port Chester, New York, his mother, his stepfather, and I believe his younger brother, lived with his mom at the time, and a couple of cousins.

    Titus:

    So as a young one, we’d go over to Grandma Maisie’s house with my younger brother. And everything was pretty normal. They were older kids than what we were, so that was always fun being around the older kids. My father had an older brother and he would also, if he wasn’t in trouble with the law, be over there. He’d hang out as well.

    Titus:

    So it was kind of normal. My father-

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    And this is your father who is the Green Beret? Who was the Green Beret, that was the same man?

    Titus:

    Yes, yes. So he was. He was a Green Beret in the Army, served in Vietnam, and also taught Kung Fu at some of the local community places like Corpus Christi and things of that nature.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Awesome.

    Titus:

    Yeah. And I go to work with him on Saturdays. And he’d work at the farms and pick up fruit, and deliver fruits and things of that nature. And so it was a normal childhood, I guess, if you want to call it normal, learning Kung Fu at the age of two.

    Titus:

    And growing up. But one day, actually, Ashley, to go back to your original question, that really just was a surprise, or shocker, and kind of molded some of the trauma in my life as I got older, is I was over at Grandma Maisy’s, my father’s mother. And hanging out. My older brother happened to be their, a cousin, and uncle, and one’s I associated with for years.

    Titus:

    And this particular day was weird. We were in my uncle’s room at the back of the house. And all of a sudden they were teasing me, and kind bullying me, punching on me, pushing me around. And they hung me up by my underwear on the closet door. And they thought it was funny, giving me a wedgie or whatever.

    Titus:

    And as I was crying and complaining that this wasn’t fun, they started chanting at me that you’re a Gardner, which is my last name from my mother’s side, and your family’s weak, and you’re not a Nelson, which is my father’s last name. And you’re not related to us. And you’re not my brother. You’re not my cousin. You’re not my nephew, and all this stuff. And I just thought they were messing around. And I’m like, yeah, right, whatever. Guys, quit playing. You guys are roughing me up and it hurts.

    Titus:

    And they kept doing it. And I realized it was really serious. And I was really taken back because they went from, I thought they were just messing around, to they were being pretty serious. And so I ran in my grandmother’s room and I was crying. And I told her what they were doing. And she was just like, “Hey, quit messing with T,” was she called me.

    Titus:

    And I said what they were telling me. And she says, “Well, Larry never told you he’s not your real dad?” And I said, “No. What do you mean?” And she was like, “Yeah, he’s not your real dad.”

    Titus:

    And so it was pretty devastating getting that news after my grandmother told me that Larry was not my father. And just in shock. And I didn’t even care about the bullying or the beating.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Yeah. Yeah.

    Titus:

    Just trying to figure out what’s going on.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Yeah. Trying to process.

    Titus:

    Yeah. As a 10 year old. And so, my dad came to pick me up. I told them what happened and he told me, “Why would they say that? Of course I’m your father.”

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Oh, he didn’t cop to it.

    Titus:

    Well, he did. He told me that it doesn’t matter if it’s blood or not.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Okay. I see. I see.

    Titus:

    He’s raised me. He’s my father.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Right.

    Titus:

    But I just started to notice things, I guess. Or maybe look at things differently, from that point on. And it never got better from there. Our relationship never seem to be the same. It just seemed to really spiral out of control to where I really began to despise him as a person.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Ugh, yeah. It’s such a hard thing when someone raises another person’s biological child. Like when do you tell them? How do you tell them? I feel like I’ve heard so many stories from people finding out when they were really little, like that was the first thing they knew, to people finding out ten, to people finding out at 30.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    It’s such a tricky thing. And it can really, really hurt a relationship. So it sounds like after this point, your dad goes to jail. But when he comes back, the relationship is really never the same. And from the description of going from the disciplinarian with love, and then to feeling abusive, it kind of sounds like something happened when he was away.

    Titus:

    Yeah. When he was away, I think there was still that bond, and still me being at that early age, to missing having that father figure and role in my life, even finding out what I did.

    Titus:

    And so what I did at realize is that my mom was kind of relieved at the time. And-

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    That your dad had gone away?

    Titus:

    Yeah, that he was away.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Oh, okay.

    Titus:

    But what I didn’t realize is that there had been some physical abuse, and some verbal abuse, and things of that nature.

    Titus:

    And she was good about keeping that away from us. And so when he was away, I would talk about him a lot, and say, I miss him. And I realized that she really didn’t talk to him, or she didn’t take collect calls or anything like that. And I was the one doing all that communication.

    Titus:

    And he would use me to kind of, “Talk to your mom about this. And tell your mom I miss her and I love her. And when I get out, I love to come back,” and these things. So I did that. And I pressured her when he got released. And he did come back. And at that point we moved from Port Chester to Yonkers, New York.

    Titus:

    He came back and it was just different at first. He was kind of standoffish. And I can notice that, that he was very more loving toward my siblings, which would be two younger brothers. And then eventually we had a sister. But he’d be very kind and loving toward them. To me, it just seemed like, I know he was very stern. Everything was no. I didn’t get that love feeling that he gave to them.

    Titus:

    I asked him one day, I said, “Man, you don’t even discipline me anymore, what’s going on?” And I regret that I ever said that one. But as time moved on from there, he was back in our lives regularly.

    Titus:

    The discipline to me, when he started giving me discipline, just really seemed beyond just the regular physical discipline to correct you from a behavior. But it became more abusive to me, with the belt, and the switches, and the extension cord, and things of that nature.

    Titus:

    And so, I’m getting a little bit older. And then my punishments, they wouldn’t fit the crime, so to speak. I’d get a D at school, for example, and I’d get grounded for the whole summer. And I’d have to stay in the house, or stay in my room. I’d get to sit in the window and watch my friends play, when I couldn’t play with them.

    Titus:

    So just these kinds of things, he was really, it just didn’t seem right to me. And it didn’t feel right. And one day he was outside, and he was washing his car. And I saw this needle hanging out of his back pocket.

    Titus:

    And I said to him, I said, “Hey, what is that hanging out your back pocket?” And he said, “Oh,” he covered it up with his hand, “Oh, that’s nothing.”

    Titus:

    Well, it actually was heroine that he was using. And it could have been from post-traumatic stress from the military, being a Nam. I have no idea. But what it did do is it changed me and my siblings lives forever.

    Titus:

    And what I mean by that is, as the crack epidemic and things got so bad in New York and where we were, you see these drug crack vials from… I’ll never forget it, at the young age, yellow caps, green caps, blue caps, purple caps, just all over the streets.

    Titus:

    And we had family in Colorado Springs. And so my parents had decided to move us out of that environment. And we moved to Colorado, and that was in 1988.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    What were the caps that you’re talking about? Are you talking about syringe caps?

    Titus:

    No. These were little containers, small containers-

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Oh, like vials or something.

    Titus:

    Like vials, correct, that could hold one or two, maybe three crack rocks.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Okay. Okay.

    Titus:

    Yeah. So they were just little vials. You’d see the empty ones all over the street.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Right.

    Titus:

    With color coded caps on them.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Okay. Okay. And they were sold that way?

    Titus:

    Yes.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Got it. Okay. Okay.

    Titus:

    Yeah. Just kind of give you a perspective of the environment.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Yeah. Yeah. This is a terrible joke, but it’s like, it reminds me of how milk used to come in glass containers. Now it comes in plastic. Crack now comes in plastic.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    I literally, that was the first thing I thought of. I was like, oh, you mean like how milk used to be delivered in glass? And now it’s-

    Titus:

    Just like milk.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Yeah, just like milk. Yeah. Okay. Well that’s how my drug addict mind works. Oh my God.

    Titus:

    That’s hilarious.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Okay. So they’re like, let’s… They move you to Yonkers to try to get out, or they moved you to Colorado Springs to try to get out of that environment?

    Titus:

    To Colorado Springs.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Okay. Okay.

    Titus:

    Yeah.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    That makes sense.

    Titus:

    Yeah, so we moved to Colorado Springs. And as a young kid coming from New York, I’m a little apprehensive.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Was it as Caucasian then as it is now?

    Titus:

    Yeah.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Oh good. Okay. So nothing difficult about that transition?

    Titus:

    No. But it started to become more and more diverse just because of the military.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Right.

    Titus:

    You’ve got Fort Carson, you got the Air Force Academy.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Right, okay.

    Titus:

    Yeah. So it started bringing in some diversity. But yeah, so we moved there. We lived with my grandparents for a little bit. And we get our own place. And there’s a lady back then, because HIV and AIDS was really a huge epidemic at the time. It was kind of almost like the COVID when it came out. It was like the unknown. It was like, oh my gosh, you get AIDS and HIV.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    That’s was people have told me.

    Titus:

    Everybody at once, you got the plague, right?

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Well, and interesting, but because you guys didn’t know how it was transmitted. Right? So you guys, as far as you were concerned, it could have been airborne?

    Titus:

    Yeah. We didn’t, at this time, we didn’t no anything. We weren’t even thinking about HIV, or AIDS, or any of that. It was just huge epidemic going on and increasing around the world. And get more and more publicity on the news.

    Titus:

    And there was a lady by the name of Helen. She was doing some volunteer work and actually going into the neighborhoods, probably the lower income neighborhoods, but going into the neighborhoods and doing free HIV tests.

    Titus:

    I remember she came by our house and my parents took a test. And I should have been asleep. It was a school night. And when they got their results back, my mom was crying. I could hear her. She was talking to my dad and saying, “Hey, what are we going to do? We got HIV. We’re going to die. And what’s going to happen to our kids?”

    Titus:

    And I would try to suppress that as if it were just a bad dream, that I really wasn’t awake. So I convinced myself that what I heard was in fact a dream.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    That’s a good coping-

    Titus:

    What’s that?

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    That a legitimate coping skill.

    Titus:

    Yeah. Yeah, it was. So then, my dad and I, our relationship just got worse. I don’t know if he was more bitter now because of the situation. And I just remember he would go to the VA in Denver. So he’d have to travel about 60 miles north or so, from Colorado Springs to do his checkups.

    Titus:

    And I just remember, as a kid saying, “Man, I hope that guy gets in a car accident and doesn’t make it back,” which obviously wasn’t a nice thing to think about. But just kind of where the relationship was.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    AIDS wasn’t doing it fast enough.

    Titus:

    It wasn’t working out for me.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    A fatal illness was not, really just that expedition was needed. Okay, well, so it sounds like things were going well.

    Titus:

    I’ll give you an example of some of the stuff that I’d have to do, Ashley, that made me feel this way. We’re living in Colorado Springs, I’m pretending this was a dream. No one’s talking about it. And so it’s life is normal.

    Titus:

    And our next door neighbor, they actually had grass and stuff in their backyard. We didn’t have grass in our backyard. It was nothing but dirt. So my dad, on a Saturday morning, says hey, let’s go outside in the backyard.

    Titus:

    Now, not my younger siblings, just me. “Yep. Let’s go, dad. What’s going on?” Gives me a shovel. He gets a shovel. We start digging. And he shows me exactly how he wants me to turn up the dirt and dig in this particular way, in these straight lines.

    Titus:

    So it’s hard work. And I didn’t want to do it. But in my mind, I’m like, oh, okay, this is pretty cool. We’re going to plant some seeds and get some grass. And I could do this. And so I don’t know how many Saturdays it was. Maybe four Saturdays in a row I’m back there.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    You didn’t ask him?

    Titus:

    No.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    You’re a very obedient child.

    Titus:

    No, I just assume this is great. And my father wasn’t a very talkative person anyway.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Right, right.

    Titus:

    It was one of those, you’re the child. You just do as you’re told.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Yeah, yeah, yeah. He went to Nam. No talking needed.

    Titus:

    He went to Nam. Yeah. Very militant, for sure.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Okay. So you’re digging it up four weekends in a row.

    Titus:

    So I’m digging-

    PART 1 OF 4 ENDS [00:24:04]

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    So you’re digging it up four weekends in a row.

    Titus:

    So right. And then, so I’m done. So everybody’s playing. Now, this is a Saturday, in early 90s, or I’m sorry, late later 80s, early 90s, kids are waking up and watching He-Man and Transformers and Smurfs and all the cartoons that come on and then they’re going out and they’re playing with their friends. Here I am digging up dirt in the backyard. Well, when it’s all done it, I say, “All right, dad, it’s all done.” And I’m excited. And so then he gets a, and I don’t even know what it’s called, but pretty much what he has me do at that point is go and then smash the dirt flat. Son ow it doesn’t make sense to me because I thought I was tilling the dirt so we can plant seeds. So now he’s got me flattened in the ground, which didn’t make sense. So now I’m upset and confused and don’t know what’s going on. Well, then I go flatten all the ground after another couple of weekends and then so I done it and I asked, “Well, what are we doing, dad? What is that?” “I just needed to keep you busy.”

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    What a [inaudible 00:25:17].

    Titus:

    “You needed to keep me busy? All right. Well, okay. So we’re not doing anything with the yard?’ “No, we’re not doing anything with the yard.” So those are some of the things that I did that I just really…

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Right, you wanted to speed things up. You didn’t want to dig up the backyard again.

    Titus:

    No, I didn’t and I just didn’t understand it. And another example, and I’ll fast forward to some positive, but another example was, he would rebuild his engine and transmission and he was handy in that way, can work on cars. So he’s never taught me or showed me or anything of that nature. So one day I’m in the front yard and he’s working on his car. He’s got his toolbox next to him and he says, “Hey, pass me a wrench.” Wait, he doesn’t tell me what kind of wrench. I don’t even know what a wrench is. So it’s kind of sad, but it is comical. I pass him a screwdriver. And he’s just like, “Are you an idiot? Are you stupid? What’s your problem? I said, pass me a wrench.” “I don’t know what a wrench is.”

    Titus:

    “Okay, look in there and use common sense. What does a wrench look like, what do you think it looks like?” So I get a monkey wrench. And he’s like, “Well, what am I going to… You’re just an idiot. Get away for me. I’ll get it. What am I going to do with a monkey wrench on a transmission?” “I don’t know. Maybe if you showed me and taught me, I’d know what kind of wrench to pass you. I didn’t know you wanted to ratchet wrench. Tell me what a ratchet wrench is.”

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Right.

    Titus:

    So it was those kinds of things. And that upbringing from my dad’s perspective of things and I just felt that, whatever he was trying to teach me at the time or show me, I definitely wasn’t understanding, and I wasn’t getting it. And it just really made me build up a lot of resentment toward him. And then my brothers, on the other hand, they got to have fun and they got to play and be normal kids, unlike the experience I had.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Did you ever know your biological father?

    Titus:

    No, I didn’t. I think after I got older and was married, I lost my birth certificate and I had to request a birth certificate, and I think I came across his name for the first time. I did try to look him up because I had a kid at that time, I have two now, but at that time I had just my son and I thought it’d be nice to know if there’s any health issues or what that history is, but I was pretty unsuccessful. And I didn’t try hard.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Yeah.

    Titus:

    I figured I’ve made it this far so.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Stay tuned to hear more in just a moment.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Hi, it’s Christiana your producer. And if you’re like me, you love coffee or coffee alternatives. You can now shop with the cause by visiting lion rock.life and clicking on shop. 100% of the profits fund substance abuse treatment for those who can’t afford it, you can’t really go wrong. We’re now carrying, in addition to our amazing coffee if you haven’t tried it, Matcha Maiden Organic Matcha Powder, love me some green tea. Golden Grind Tumeric Latte Blend. And Prana Chai Original Blend. So we’ve got something for everyone. We love mixing these delicious coffee alternatives with something like milk or almond milk, oat milk, or even just hot water. The Organic Matcha Powder is vegan-friendly, gluten-free, dairy-free, and simply delectable. The Tumeric Latte Blend, the winner of Australia’s best beverage product in 2017, helps bring about relaxation and restoration while also nurturing your body.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    The Prana Chai that has been my pregnancy craving, it’s amazing, is blended in Melbourne from all natural ingredients and uses 100% Australian quality honey blended by hand with tea and whole spices. By shopping for coffee and coffee alternatives at lionrock.life, you are also helping provide substance abuse treatment for someone who can’t afford it. Your favorite drink with a cause. So again, go to lionrock.life, click on shop, and you’ll see our coffee and our brand new coffee alternatives. We hope that you enjoy it. Send us a picture, maybe we will feature you on our Instagram as well.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Okay, so your dad who raised you when you were 15, you guys were still living in Colorado Springs and he dies of HIV, Aids?

    Titus:

    Yes. Yeah he does. So, so now that that dream is becoming my biggest nightmare because watching him get sicker and sicker, lose weight, and start withering away. And so now I’m afraid. I’m like, “Okay, well, this is real, that wasn’t a dream. And your mom’s not too far behind.” So after my dad got sick, and I believe that was in 1990 and he died, my mom would start having some real conversations with me. She’d start telling me, “Hey, I’m going to die and I’m not afraid to die. My faith and my trust is in God, but I don’t want to leave you guys. And that’s my biggest fear. And so I need you to really get it together and start studying the Bible. And I need you to keep the family together. I need you to take care of your brothers and your sister.” And to me, I’m just like, “Hey, quit talking like that. You’re not going to die. And I don’t know the first thing about trying to take care of my brothers and sisters.”

    Titus:

    So I think I was trying anything to run away from it. And as I saw her starting to get sick, I think it’s a reality, and the pressure from her and the reality of it happening was really hitting me and I just tried to run away from it and hide and started hanging out with the wrong crowd, and got involved with the wrong people, started at that time, what I call running the streets. So hanging out with people that sell drugs and do things that aren’t the most ethical. And one of my buddies from school, his mom was one of those moms that, “Hey, as long as you do it at our house and it’s in the house, I don’t care what you do.” So if you were smoking marijuana and drinking 40 ounces at the age of 16 now, it was all cool with her. So I asked if I can move in with them. And I moved in with them. And that really began my drinking and the selling drugs and really transpiring into a totally different person than I was brought up to be.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Right. And that’s the descriptions, that’s what it sounds like. It’s like we turn into this completely different person. And I doubt that if you had been the person you were describing to me, that your mother would have said, “Can you take care of the other kids?” Obviously you were in a place where she saw your ability to do that, and believed you to be really responsible. And it sounds like maybe you decided you didn’t want to be responsible and you didn’t want to deal with that, and so ran in the other direction, which makes sense at 16, 17.

    Titus:

    Yeah. And that’s exactly what happened. I ran in that direction and I guess it was just still not wanting to deal with reality. And my mom, one thing I would like to say about her is that, from a mother’s standpoint, she was super awesome. Loving, caring, if she didn’t have it from a financial standpoint, our clothes were just always clean and pressed. And if they came from a secondhand store or they came from Kmart back then at the time, you would never know, just because of the way that she took care of us. And the other thing that I really appreciated about her, Ashley, that I’ve tried to bring into my parenting, and my wife’s a pretty natural at this is the open communication. Unlike my father, if I said something or whatever, I had to worry about getting a whipping, and don’t even know if he heard what I said or listened to me.

    Titus:

    But from my mom’s standpoint, even though there were times there were still disciplined coming and I knew it, she took the time and she listened to me. And when I say I could tell my mom anything and everything, I could tell her anything and everything. At one point I don’t know what was going on, but I thought I wanted to a kid at an early age when she was still alive. And I was like, “I’m going to make you a grandma.” And she’s like, “You’re going to do what?” She’s like, “Boy, you can’t even take care of yourself, you’re not going out there. And what girls are you running around here with?” I could just have those candid conversations. “Mom, the teacher made me mad in class today and I cussed her out.” “Well, why would you do that?” “Well, you’re going to get a phone call. I’ve just giving you a heads up.”

    Titus:

    And we’d sit down. And she reasoned with me, she’d take me to some scriptures in the Bible and reason. And then there was discipline after, the punishment or whatever. And I was okay. And I knew I did wrong when I’d open up to her. So losing that and seeing her start to get sick and have these candid conversations with me that, “Hey, I’m dying and I’m not going to be her,” for me, I was losing my best friend. I was losing my mom. That was my confidant. What am I going to do? Where am I going to go? To me, it was like my world was really coming to an end, just how I saw it.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Yeah. And someone who wants to run, the best place to run, where people make you feel like you’re a part of if you do the things they do, is the streets. That’s where everybody’s running. Everybody’s numbing, everybody’s running from something, coming from some place of brokenness. So it makes sense also that you came from that. How long after she was diagnosed, did she die? Or how long after your dad did she pass?

    Titus:

    She passed about two years after my dad, or less than two years. He died in 1990, she died in 1992. So I move out and I’m living with the school buddy and we’re just running in the streets and pure knuckleheads and had to go by and visit my siblings and my mom. And I’d buy them a game system or whatever and drop it off at the house, or tires for my mom’s car. Tried to give her money, she didn’t want my money, she knew where it was coming from. And so she was really, really sick and she was in hospice at my grandparent’s house. And this is new year’s so I won’t forget this day, but I’m in the car, I got my girlfriend and her sister in the back seat and my cousin’s in the front seat and we’re drunk, we’re wasted, and we were on our way driving up, I believe it was Academy, driving North on Academy to go make our serve before we go to this new year’s party.

    Titus:

    And I got a gun in my glove compartment and this car’s on the side of us and young kids always looking at anybody who’s got girls in the car and this car’s slow rolling on the side of us as we’re going North on Academy. The guys are staring at the girls in the backseat. So my cousin rows down the window and they see the gun and they speed up and he pops off a couple of shots and I get pretty mad at him. And I’m like, “Hey, we got drugs in the car. Are you stupid? What’s wrong with you?” And I’m, mind you, drunk and not proud of my action, so I shoot the gun and I shoot the window, the passenger side window out and tell him that was dumb of him and if he did something that stupid again, the next one wouldn’t just be the window. So it’s so stupid. And anyway, there’s an undercover cop behind us.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Of course there is, how could there not be?

    Titus:

    Yeah. And we’re, we’re driving and thinking everything’s okay.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Making threats shots. Good Lord.

    Titus:

    Get to the place where we were going to make our serve. And so we’re inside and I open the door to leave and the SWAT team obviously is right there in the apartment hallway and they rush me down. They got guns out everywhere before I knew it. I didn’t even know what was going on up to the ground, they surround me, guns are at my head. And they grab my cousin and off we go to juvie. And so this is January, New Year’s of ’92. So they’re going through all the charges. My aunt meanwhile knows that my mom is really fading away and she’s dying. So she’s writing letters. She’s trying to see the judge, to get me out. And by a miracle, the judge lets me out and he lets me out on a Friday, I believe it was January 17th of 1992, and they let me out on house arrest. And my mom is downstairs at my grandparent’s house and she’s on this bed and she’s just as frail, she’s all bones and she hasn’t talked in a few weeks or what have you.

    Titus:

    And I go to her bed and kiss her on her forehead and tell her, “I’m here.” She says, “Is that you? Is that you?” And I’m like, “Yeah, mom, it’s me.” And she said, “Are you back?” And I knew what she meant, and I didn’t want to lie, but I couldn’t tell her that I wasn’t. When she said back, that meant like, “Are you studying the Bible? Are you getting your life back together? Are you off the street? Are you back?” And I said, “Yeah, mom, I’m back?.” And then she died. She didn’t say a word after that, and she died that Sunday. And for a little while, there was a part of me that was like, “I want to get my life together. I’m still young enough to get myself together 17 now.” And I tried, but just the pain, the confusion, the hurt, the lossness, it didn’t last for a long time. So I continued doing what I was doing, got off house arrest, eventually got off my probation, but continued to run the streets.

    Titus:

    And went from doing small deals, to getting with some pretty big players in other states and doing things on a larger scale, and just becoming pretty fearless and not really caring because they didn’t really care what happened to me. I didn’t care about my life so my life was pretty much just drinking and partying and making money. And that was my life. I did though, Ashley, in between all that, I met who my wife is today. I met Cindy and I did fall for her and she was more in the good girl side, she was the honor student. Parents, middle-class family, came from a good family. Did well in school, cheerleader, cross country track runner, played basketball, got good grades. And I would go to her school sometimes to pick her up and the principal actually called her mom. It was like, “I know you probably want to be aware what’s going on with your daughter, but this guy, he’s no kid, he’s bad news. This guy that’s coming to the school and that she’s involved with.”

    Titus:

    So that posed it’s challenges, but she graduated and then she eventually moved in with me. And I kept my lifestyle for a while. And she started studying the Bible though with my aunt. And she would say stuff like, “Hey, you know all this stuff and you grew up with this and you act the way you do?” And so she was starting to give me a hard time about my lifestyle. And then my aunt actually said to her one time when they were studying that, “Hey, I that’s my nephew and I love him, but if he can’t get his head together, I know all kinds of other spiritual men that would love to be with you.” That wasn’t cool. That wasn’t going over too well, so I actually stopped her from studying for a while. I was like, “If my aunt’s going to be talking to you like that, you can’t study with her.”

    Titus:

    So my wife’s trying to get to me. And there were these conventions that we would have, and his was just to die for. So I’d always wear all these gold rings. I’d have eight gold rings, one on each finger in, and I’d have these nuggets and stuff like that. And I love guns and buying guns and stuff. So when the convention came up, one year my wife really wanted to go and I wanted to have a better conscience about going, they were three day conventions in Denver. So I would pawn my gold rings and just get rid of them. Don’t ask why, just made my conscience feel better. I would get rid of my guns and I’d put all my dope out on consignment so I felt clean. So now I could go to this convention, I got no drugs, I got no guns on me, I got nothing, I’m cleaning. And then after we get back, I’d go get my rings back out the pawn shop and get my guns back. And it’s silly. Don’t ask me.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Whatever makes you feel better.

    Titus:

    It made me feel better.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    There you go.

    Titus:

    So fast forward to what got me to fully make a transformation out of that life is, one morning I came home and we just had got some stuff back from a large shipment from out of state. And I put everything out on consignment and I get home from drinking and partying. And we were in a one bedroom studio in Colorado Springs in the Broadmore area. And I get the stock on the door after I got home, maybe 30 minutes after I got home, it was like 3:30, 4:00 in the morning. I had a sawed-off pistol grip pump shotgun, that I’d always keep by the door. So I grab it and I look out the peephole and I see the kid from, I went to school, I know he went to jail. I didn’t know how he knew where I lived, but I was too out of it. Anyway, I opened the door and he forces his way in a little bit.

    Titus:

    And he gives me this hug. And when I hug him, I’m like, “Hey, why you got a bulletproof vest on?” And as soon as I say that, this guy with a mask comes from the side and he pistol whips me and he put me down to the ground and Cindy, we’re in the studio apartment, so Cindy, my wife now, is in the bed and the guy jumps on the bed and he puts the gun on her. And they’re just like, “Hey, we know that you got some stuff in and we don’t want to take anybody’s life, but we will. We just want the stuff.” So I said, “Look, there’s nothing here. It’s all that on consignment. And I got a couple of thousand dollars in the house and a half of cocaine, and you can have that. And that’s all I got.” So anyway, so they took that and I grabbed my gun and looking out the window and down the hall.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    But the guy who came in, you knew him?

    Titus:

    I knew him from school, I sure did. Yeah.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Wow.

    Titus:

    Yeah, when I was in school. So somehow just through some associations, it was a set up and obviously he wasn’t, a lot of people were afraid of me, but he obviously wasn’t afraid to do it because he did it. So I made some phone calls and people come over to my house, a couple of close buddies and my cousin, everything. And I’d just say, “Come over locked and loaded.” So everybody knows what that means.

    PART 2 OF 4 ENDS [00:48:04]

    Titus:

    And so everybody knows what that means. And we go out driving and looking for this guy and we don’t find him. A couple of weeks later, I get a call from another kid that I went to school with and he’s “Hey, I heard what happened, and just want to let you know, you’re not going to find him. He’s not actually here, he’s out in Denver. But, I know where his mom lives.” So I’m, “Okay.” So, it’s send a message time –

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Right.

    Titus:

    We drive to the house and

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Naturally, you have to kill his mother. I mean, there’s no other option there. What else are you going to do? Right.

    Titus:

    Yeah.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    I don’t see no other way out of this, obviously.

    Titus:

    One plus one is two, Ashley. I mean, come on.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    It’s not my fault, I don’t make the rules.

    Titus:

    I don’t make the rules.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Yeah. Okay. All right, I get it.

    Titus:

    So, we pull up to the house and I can’t do it. My cousin and somebody, they’re out there, come on this. And I’m “Nah, we’re not going to do this.” I’m really mad. And I’m, “Hey, everybody in the car, this is not going down. It’s just not going to happen.” And what I realized that they were, Hey, we got to do something. This is going to make you look even worse. And, it’s one, you already got jacked and hey, you’re not doing anything about it. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And, there was a time, Ashley, sad to say, that I didn’t care about my life, I didn’t care about life. In doing something so far fetched and thinking that way, pains me today to even think that I could have been a person like that back then.

    Titus:

    But, there was a time in my life where I wouldn’t have hesitated or even thought twice about doing something like that, because it’s just the place I was in. And, I was in love. I was in love with Cindy and I thought one day I could study the Bible. One day I could be with her and I could change my life and I could have a family and it doesn’t have to be the end and don’t have to live a life where I’m going to end up dead or end up in prison for doing something stupid like this. Anyway, so we go back and I talked to Cindy and I tell her, and I said, “I don’t have it in me anymore. I’m feeling a different way, feeling things that I’ve never felt before in I care about you. And I want to start a different life and I don’t want this life anymore.”

    Titus:

    So, obviously there was a transition period. I’m kind of giving you the high level in cap on this. So, I got out and I started studying the Bible and we eventually got baptized together. And, what ended up happening with the guy who did that to me… We were sitting in the living room and we were watching the news one day and there was a murder and someone had robbed a liquor store. They shot the owner and killed him. And was the guy that jacked me in. We were, “Wow, that could have been us.”

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Wow. Jeez.

    Titus:

    He went to prison and that could have been us. So, that was that part of my life. And I left that part of my life and all that stuff I had out in consignment, this was the condition for my uncle, who I wanted to have him study the Bible with me. It was my aunt’s husband who was study with my wife, or girlfriend at the time, now wife. But he said, “Look, I knew what you’ve been involved with and what you’ve been doing. And if you want me to study, you have to give it all up.” I was, “Well, I’m not doing that anymore. Just got a lot of money I need to collect. He’s, “Nah, you can’t even do that. If you want me to steady with you, clean. I want you to clean right now. Drop it all.” And I was, “Oh my goodness. Okay.” And I wanted to change my life that bad that I did. And we had some money to get us going,

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    You changed your life, and everyone else was stealing. They’re, “I’m sorry, what? You don’t want your money back. Okay, great.” Oh, man, the word on the street. That was like Christmas morning for people.

    Titus:

    It’s Christmas for everybody, yeah.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Uh-huh (affirmative).

    Titus:

    Yeah. So, they all got fronted on the consignment and never had to pay for it. So, it was a win-win for everybody.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    The drug community thanks you.

    Titus:

    And so, started study, got baptized and try to just reinvent myself, I guess, and just recreate myself and my wife. And, we did end up taking custody of my brothers and my sister. So, they ended up moving in. We took care of the one that’s right under me until he was 18. And my brother underneath him, the youngest, he stayed with us until he was 18. And, my sister did, too, until she went to college. So, during that time, things are better for me from that perspective. And I felt, Wow, I did something that my mom wanted me to do, and that was keep her kids together so that we weren’t separated. And everybody grew up together. So we were –

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Where were your siblings when you took custody of them? Who had they been with?

    Titus:

    Yeah. Good, good question. They’ve been with my grandparents.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Okay, okay.

    Titus:

    So, two of my grandparents and the youngest boy was having some real challenges and issues and they had him in, it wasn’t like a, what do you call it? They had him in a facility for people that struggle with mental health and breakdowns and stuff like that.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Okay.

    Titus:

    So, that’s where he was. That was more of a process of working with him and getting him out of that institution that he was in, which probably took Cindy and I about six months in total before we were able to get him out and actually get legal custody of him, which we were able to do. So –

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    I bet he was relieved to get out of there.

    Titus:

    Yeah, for sure. And so, we took them in and the one thing, even though I thought I’m doing great and I’m happy, my life is really changing and turning around, that alcohol always stayed a part of my life, though.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Right. It’s the drugs, not the alcohol. That thought will kill you every time.

    Titus:

    Yeah. And the over-drinking. There were times where I always felt that I had drinking in control. I guess I never looked at myself as an abuser of alcohol, but just a person with a higher tolerance than others. That’s it.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Totally. Yep. Yeah, I get it.

    Titus:

    Yeah. Maybe one or two shots put you under and it takes me six.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Yeah, it’s not my fault.

    Titus:

    That was something that I struggle with even after changing in my life in that perspective. The alcohol still stayed with me and so now my brothers are out and my sister’s still with us. And we have our first child in 2002 and we have our son and I’m running my own business at the time in the facility service industry. And things were going very well and things weren’t going as well, anymore. And the economy took a hit back then, in the early 2000s. And the larger companies were coming into our small little city of Colorado Springs and they were taking all the business in. So, I got an offer from a buddy of mine in the industry who had moved to Denver.

    Titus:

    And he asked me if I wanted to take a job in Denver. So I did. And I sold what little bit of accounts that I had left and had tons of debt from equipment and things like that. We ended up losing our house and it just wasn’t a good time in a good place and having my son. So, we moved to Denver and it was nothing what I thought. This job was a part of the job and a requirement to drink.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Mm-hmm (affirmative).

    Titus:

    And, it was a requirement to entertain your customers and you have a budget and you needed to spend that budget on a monthly basis. And, it went from where I thought I had things under control to… My excuse was “Hey, I got to do this for work. I got to do this for work.”

    Titus:

    So, my wife’s pregnant now with our second child, our daughter. She’s pregnant in ’04 and so, she’s got a one and a half year old, she’s pregnant in here am coming home all the time hammered from work. So, not good. She’s mad, a time or two, I think she drove down her parents’ house in Colorado Springs, six miles south of where we were because of my entertaining clients. And, I remember, one time, I’m in my company car that they provided, were entertaining customers and we’ve been drinking all day long.

    Titus:

    It’s unbelievable when I think about it because we’re so far from that today in this company. But, we were at lunch with a customer and it started off the drinks at lunch. And the next thing you know, lunch start at 12:00 and it’s 2:00, and this customer’s got her customer buddies coming. And then they’re getting a glass of wine and they’re getting this and they’re getting that. And it’s five o’clock and we’re still there. Now it turns into happy hour, more and more people are showing up. And, it’s like eight o’clock now, we’ve been bouncing from one restaurant to the next restaurant for eight hours now. But I’m justified, it’s for work.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Did you get the account?

    Titus:

    Right? I’m servicing my customers.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Yeah. Makes sense to me. Once again, I get it.

    Titus:

    So, I’m driving home, and I obviously shouldn’t be driving. But, I’m driving home, get into a fender bender on the I25, I think the guy’s been drinking, too. So, we get out and we don’t exchange information –

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    No, it’s your fault. No, it’s your fault.

    Titus:

    We just don’t want the police to come, so let’s go.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Both of you are, “I’m drunk. Okay, good. I’m drunk, too. Let’s never talk about this again.”

    Titus:

    Let’s just wash your hands and let’s go our way.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Yeah. Sounds like the best case scenario, to be honest.

    Titus:

    Here’s the thing, Ashley. It would have been –

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Oh, no.

    Titus:

    Instead, I’m driving home.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Oh, for the love…

    Titus:

    I got a bumper hanging from my car. So, I’m on the highway.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    So, you get pulled over?

    Titus:

    No, this is better. It just gets better. So, I’m getting off of my exit, we lived off of Arapahoe. And if you go right on Arapahoe, you’re right in front of the police station.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Right.

    Titus:

    If you go left on Arapahoe and through the light, you’re where our condos were. Well, which direction do you think I went?

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Well, good Lord, don’t go right.

    Titus:

    Well, that’s exactly what I did. I go right with my bumper dragging right in front of the police station. And what do you think happens?

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    They wanted to see if you were all right.

    Titus:

    They come to see if I’m al; right and there I get my first DUI.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Your first.

    Titus:

    Yeah. Yeah.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    AKA, There was a second.

    Titus:

    There was a second, yeah. So that, that was the first DUI. So, $10,000 later –

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Mm-hmm (affirmative).

    Titus:

    And all kind of classes and community service and the whole nine that you go through, you would think I learned my lesson.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    No.

    Titus:

    No..

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    It takes like two or three to learn your lesson.

    Titus:

    It takes a few, right?

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Mm-hmm (affirmative). Yeah, yeah because that could have… One DUI could have been a one-off incident, right? Oops, I have this company car, they gave me a budget to drink. They basically expected you to drink, right?

    Titus:

    That’s what you do.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    So, I feel like, at least I’m thinking of from my perspective, I could justify one DUI if my job was to drink with my clients.

    Titus:

    Yeah. So, here I get through that and there’s an opportunity for me to, fast forward from that. That was in ’04, I get that DUI. No, I’m sorry. That was in the beginning of ’05. I get that DUI. So fast forward, I get a call to come out here and take a job in Arizona. And, the way things were going, the DUI, the cops coming home, the kids now, my wife is just fed up. So I’m, okay, a new start. We move to Arizona and I can start over new and there won’t be any drinking and all this great stuff you say, and that you tell yourself, and you fool yourself because you really haven’t made a resolve within yourself to make any changes.

    Titus:

    So, we moved here in December of ’05, so happy new beginning, new start, out with one of my new bosses, what do you think happens? Well, after about six double tall vodka tonics later, I’m driving, don’t know my way around because I’ve only been here two weeks. Well, what do I do? I get a DUI. So, I start off with the DUI here. Well, in Arizona, back then Joe Arpaio was the sheriff. So, have you heard of Tent City?

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Oh, yeah. And, I know plenty of people who have been there.

    Titus:

    Well, you could add me to your list now. So, that got me into Tent City. So, I fought it and fought it and there’s mandatory jail time for that stuff. So thankfully, it was work release. I was fortunate to keep my job and I was, okay, I got to quit drinking, this is crazy. It’s continuing the same pattern, that’s not changing. So, I stopped I think for two weeks, take a two week break. And then I’m, okay, now just going to be a social drinker. I’m just going to drink beer, no hard alcohol.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Who knew it was so easy? So you’re, I’m just just going to be a social drinker and your wife is, Great idea. Yeah. I think that’s a great experiment to try.

    Titus:

    Yeah. For her, as long as there was no vodka involved, and if I can go to beer, she thought that was the answer, too. So, just beer and that was short-lived. That got me in and out of the same deal. But, I did do good on the no drinking. So, I could say I did get on that for a long time. And some areas were, I got caught behind the wheel, but never got pulled over or any trouble. But for the most part, I did not drive after I was drinking. And so, I think I’m doing good and I’m managing it. I’m just, Okay, just no more going out, no more drinking out. If I go out with the customer, if I’m not with buddies, put myself on a two drink limit, three drink limit, get home, and I can keep drinking when I get home, but just not out.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Right.

    Titus:

    So, I tried that for a while. And, it just continued to spiral out of control. And I just kept saying to myself and fool myself that now I just have a higher tolerance than most. It’s not that I’m over-drinking or binge drinking –

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Right.

    Titus:

    Just got this high tolerance. The guys that brought me down here, they sell their company in ’09, I’m working for a large company now. Actually, I knew the guy back from Colorado who owned the company and is the CEO. So, working, do my thing, still drinking and trying to maintain it. And he tells me after some years, fast forward, he talks to me just to say, just be careful what you’re drinking. I think your drinking, that might be something you might want to keep an eye on. And I’m like, okay, that’s coming from my CEO. Probably better listening to that.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Right?

    Titus:

    So, things aren’t going so well, maybe in 2018 into 2019, trying to make sure I got my dates right here, from the business perspective. So, I think I’m doing fine, I think things are going well, he’s got a different viewpoint on it. He could be tough. He’s a tough coach, he’s successful in his business for a reason. And he pushes really hard. I kind of almost started to feel almost memories of my dad again at times, and being pushed. And then I would just go home and try to go numb. That was my favorite word is going numb. I don’t want to think. My wife said, “Hey, what do you want to watch?” I don’t know, anything I don’t have to think. Something stupid, I could laugh and not think and just veg out and just be numb. And that went on for a little while.

    Titus:

    And, then we get into it from time to time, we’d have some arguing matches, and this is me and my employer. I sent stupid messages or texts or emails, and he was just, “Hey, you need to get a handle on what’s going on. You’re going through something and you need to get it figured out.” So, I’m listening to him, I’m talking to some other people that know me pretty well and they’re starting to tell me I need to get some things figured out. And my sister-in-law, who lives in San Antonio, whenever I’m there, her husband, we kind of ran the streets together, so we go way back from there. So, we’re really close and we get together reminisce, drink, and it’s out of control.

    Titus:

    So, he’s not that bad, I guess, if I don’t visit or if they’re not visiting. So, she’s even made a comment or two to me about Titus, we’re just concerned and I’m, “Concerned? This is what we do.”

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Right.

    Titus:

    Then we all went to Costa Rica and it was bad. I drank a ton and it was bad. So, now I got family talking to me, I got my employer saying something to me and my wife’s always been saying something, so now it’s just her.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Right.

    Titus:

    Well, my daughter is starting to stay in her room and not come out, or when she does, it’s brief. And that’s not us, we’re a super close family. And my son talks to me and is “Dad, do you know why Kaylani is always in her room? It’s because when you drink too much, we don’t like seeing you like that. I’m, “I got a lot of people talking to me right now.” We throw a party for her on her, think it was her eighth grade graduation, and we had it at the Biltmore, it’s a resort hotel. And she wants to do this brunch over at the Biltmore. So, we stay the night there and we have close friends and her friends and everything come over and, really nice, dress up and environment. And this is one of the days I always remember and I regretted this. But, I just got so tore up. I mean, Ashley, I passed out during the brunch and it was embarrassing.

    Titus:

    You know, this was supposed to be all about my daughter and I had too many mimosas and just kind of took it into the bad place. So anyway, with all this communication from people and everybody telling me this, I’ve always been the person that I always said, Hey, if one person tells you something, that’s their thoughts, their perspective on things, that’s just their opinion. But, if you got 10 people telling you and you’re the only one that disagrees, then maybe you got a problem or maybe there’s something you need to look at.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Right.

    Titus:

    So, I’m starting to think this in my mind. So, this is all going in my mind, but I’m still drinking, I’m not giving it up, but it’s with me. And on March 30th of 2020, I’m drinking. And it started early, I was off that day, I started early at six in the morning. The wife, she’s on me, why are you drinking at six in the morning? What is your problem? And I’m, “Hey, look, just minding my own business, trying to enjoy my day off. I’m not even bothering you, to go back to bed. Why are you making a big deal?” She’s on me, which just triggers me more. So, now, I’m drinking more, we get into the biggest fight that we’ve ever gotten in. Nothing physical, but just the loudness and the arguing and we did it in front of the kids and I’m cursing at her. And I never curse at my wife and I’m saying cuss words, and it’s just completely out of control with this.

    PART 3 OF 4 ENDS [01:12:04]

    Titus:

    … passwords, and it’s just completely out of control with this. And in her name, the kids leave the house in. And she really wasn’t too sure what she wanted to do, if she was going to go to Texas with their sister or what she’s going to do. So then that Tuesday, which was a year from today, I called in sick… I took a PTO day because I really had some deep thinking to do. And I sat at the kitchen counter and I just sat there in the morning and I said, “You’ve got to decide what you want to do from here, Titus. You’re going to keep drinking and this is just what you’re going to do and this is who you’re going to be, or you got to stop and you’re going to change your life. You’re going to become the husband, the father, the person that you can be.”

    Titus:

    So I went and got the family together and we all went into my bedroom and I apologized. They were… My daughter actually spoke up, “Yeah. You always apologize. But nothing ever changes. I’m done with it. Okay?” So my wife… she’s like, “Titus, it’s the same… it’s always the same thing. You feel bad, you drink, you feel bad, you drink, you feel bad… It’s just this vicious cycle. And we get that you get stressed at work and we get all these things, but do you know how we feel? Do you realize the impact that you’re having on us?”

    Titus:

    Then my son tells me, “Dad, think about this. Mom has worked in years. She’s been a stay at home since we’ve been born and you’re the sole provider of the house. If you do something… you get in your car drive and you get pulled over and you go to jail, you lose your job… whatever. Our whole life changes. You’re going to impact us. And mom can’t provide for us. And I can’t provide. We can’t provide for ourselves. I just don’t know if you think about all these things when you’re drinking and the impact and… you can have.” And as a mature… at the time 18 old, he’s telling me this stuff and he’s-

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Yeah.

    Titus:

    … taking care of… maybe you’ve 17 going to turn 18. And he’s like, “[Kaylani 01:14:24] and I are getting older and you don’t want to ruin this relationship. And this is how you want us to remember you dad, as we get older, we move out and… I know you don’t want that. I know what you’ve been through as a kid.” And all these things were super impactful as I’m standing there listening to my family and the things I’ve been pondering. And I said, “I know that it’s words, but I’ve made a decision, for me, and it had to be my decision, but I’ve made this-

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Right.

    Titus:

    … decision that I’m going to stop drinking.” And so they said, “Well, that’s great.” And my wife said, “You need help.” And I said, “No. Not doing that. Don’t need help.” And she’s said, “You need professional help.” I said, “I don’t need professional help.” I just said, “I’m going to stop. I’m going to stop.” So this… I looked at the kids, I said, “Do you guys agree with mom?” And they go, “Yep. We do.” And I said, “So everybody here thinks I need help?” And they all say, “Yeah.” “So, okay, I’ll think about it. No guarantees. I don’t think I do, but I think about it. Thank you.” So I went back out… Well, they took off later on and go run errands… pondering over everything. My life feels like it’s just spiraling out of control.

    Titus:

    And I go online and start doing research and I find Lionrock and I call, talk to the lady… super pleasant, super nice. I think her name was Nancy. We spoke for almost an hour and… I don’t know, it was just something about what she was telling me, what I was looking for… It just felt right. And I signed up and I think a week later, I started the intense group sessions in therapy of it and… One thing I left out was, so when… and this was still a year from now on the 31st of last year of March. So my wife is talking to her friends and there’s families that we’re super, super close with. There’s four of us and we do everything together. And the husbands rally up and I get this text message from one and he goes, “You’re going to be home later? Because we’re coming over.”

    Titus:

    And just the tone, the way the text read, I’m like, “What the heck is this?” And so then I find out why the family left that day, while I was doing my research and found Lionrock. So one of my buddies is… I don’t know, he’s probably 340… he’s an ex-bodybuilder and he’s a trainer, he’s a big boy. And then the other two guys… they come over. And so I’ve already done my research, found Lionrock, had a great conversation with Nancy, feel great about over forward. And they come over, they answer the door and they’re like, “Can we come in?” I’m like, “Yeah.” So they come in, sit down and start asking me, “What’s going on? What happened yesterday… blah, blah, blah, blah. We can’t see you like this.” And one of my buddies, he lost a friend alcoholism and said he’s not going to lose another close friend to it.

    Titus:

    So as we’re talking, I’m trying to figure out, “Well, what’s going on here?” So tell him, “Yeah. This is what I told Cindy and them. I called Lionrock. I’m super excited. Tomorrow I’m talking to somebody to give all my insurance information, get the program started.” They were like, “Can we see it?” So go online, share the videos, we’re looking… They were like, “Oh, that sounds great.” Then the one goes… the one that texted me… he goes, “So you notice why we’re in sweats and everything when we came over here?” And I said, “No.” He said, “Man, we were going to haul you out of here, whatever it took, scrapping, fighting, whatever, but you we’re going to get some help tonight.” I was like, “Are you kidding me?” And he goes, “No, I’m not kidding. We came over here, we were dragging you out of here. But-

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Oh my God, [crosstalk 01:18:24] you were about to get kidnapped.

    Titus:

    … we’re so happy that we don’t have to.”

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    That’s hilarious.

    Titus:

    And so they boxed up all the alcohol in the house, which was mainly Cindy’s. She’s not a big drinker at all and… but she collects and that’s why. And I don’t like her stuff, so that’s why she had so much of it. And so they just… what’s that?

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    I was saying that… Yeah, that’s… our stuff, when we’re drinking, it’s… we don’t have a ton left over. That’s not a… we don’t… that’s not usually our style.

    Titus:

    No. I’m at the store every day or every-

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Mm-hmm (affirmative).

    Titus:

    … other day. Yeah. So yeah, there’s no stock for me.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Mm-hmm (affirmative).

    Titus:

    So they just want to get it out of the house. And I was like, “No, I made my mind over guys.” And they were like, “We feel comfortable if we took it.” So they boxed everything up and took everything out. And I started my journey… what Lionrock in my journey of healing and recovery, on March 31st, 2020. So today is my one-year anniversary-

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Congratulations.

    Titus:

    … of being sober, free.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    That is so awesome.

    Titus:

    Yes.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Oh my gosh. That’s amazing.

    Titus:

    Yeah.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    One year. Congratulations.

    Titus:

    Thank you. Thank you. And it just… It took me being extremely honest with myself and really wanting to make a change and really taking the group lessons and the tools that were provided, which is called phase work, and just taking that serious. And I was always open and honest and one of the things that really helped me was… my habit and my routine was to get home from work, go in my garage, get a beer, come inside, a couple of shots, chase down my beer, and that was my routine. Then I’d eat afterward and go to bed. And the way that the group was set up is that, it was from 6:00 PM at 9:00. So that time where I would be drinking and doing something non-productive, I was productive with my time, learning how to heal, listening to other people’s stories, understanding that I wasn’t alone out there and that other people were making progress doing it. And other people were there to make progress.

    Titus:

    And so it was truly, truly eye-opening and so helpful. And then I would talk about the groups… what I would say, or I would… what my family. I read them my phase work… “Hey, I’ve got to present my phase work on Wednesday.” And, “How’s the sound I’ve been working on this.” And my wife’s like, “Oh, that’s great.” And after two months, my daughter just said, “Dad, I can tell you’re really changing. This is really helping you. You’re excited. You look forward to your groups and your work and you’re writing all this stuff out and I’m so proud of you.” And she gave me a hug and that was the start of the healing our relationship back.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Yeah.

    Titus:

    And my son’s always just been this trooper and I worry if more is hidden inside of him. Because he’s just always from the outside, just that loving, supportive kid. But I just started to watch my relationship with my wife, continue to improve and get better. And I started feeling so much better. I wasn’t waking out with this guilt and anxiety or, “Who did I text and who did I call …” and, “Hey honey, I’m sorry for this.” And “Hey, I’ve got to go to the kids because he saw me do this or they heard this.” And it’s… I rid myself of all of that. And one of the big things that I’ve come to learn for myself too, is that, with all that childhood trauma that I was hiding and running from, that it caused some insecurities in myself.

    Titus:

    And my self worth was really at an all time low and I didn’t think very highly of myself and I really, through trying to heal and learning those different distortions in how to deal with that and looking at things in a different light and in a different way, and really looking at myself and being proud of the progress that I’ve been making, it’s just been so exhilarating. And for the longest time I knew one of my… or not one, my counselor, was encouraging me to maybe write a letter to my mom. Because a lot of that healing process is really writing and getting those feelings-

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Mm-hmm (affirmative).

    Titus:

    … out and facing them, as you know. And I don’t know what it was. It was… I did all this phase work and I completed all of it, right? And when I was out of the group and I graduated from that phase and I was just doing my weekly one-on-one counseling, every week I had an excuse and it was so unlike me. And she’d just politely just say, “Hey, just checking on you, you get an opportunity to work on that letter?” And I’m like, “No, this and that and the other.” And I’m like, “What is the deal?” So I sat down and I started writing and what I realized is that I thought I’d really been running and hiding from the tragedy of my mother’s death, which is a big part of it, but even a bigger part was not dealing with my dad in our issues.

    Titus:

    Because as I started writing this… what was going to be this letter to my mom, I realized I started writing a lot about my dad and how I felt and how things transpired. And then I’d just get these pages and these pages and these pages and I still hadn’t even got to my mom yet. And I’m like-

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Mm-hmm (affirmative).

    Titus:

    … “Oh, this is a bigger issue that’s inside of me… I haven’t dealt with it.” And so that exercise really helped me to see that even I didn’t know what I was dealing with-

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Mm-hmm (affirmative).

    Titus:

    … inside. And it really helped me from a healing perspective. And as I got all that out and was able to read it to… like I said, we’re very close and open family. I read it to my kids and I read it to my wife and we went through it and… I also wrote them how I feel about them and how thankful I am for their support and in my life. And I was able to finally write a letter to my mom and I decided the letter probably would have been very depressing and very down because that’s just how I saw everything.

    Titus:

    And I’m like, “She died with me knowing that I wasn’t the son that she raised at the time.” And it was more about, “Let me tell you about the positives and the transformation and the great things that are happening and about your grandchildren.” And it was a nice letter. And I shared that with my family. I started an Instagram page of videos that give some encourage and thoughts, talk about my past, encouraging people to face their fears, learn to cope with those things so they can bring out the better version of themselves. And I shared that letter on that page and so, not only do… am I opening up to myself, but at a place where I’m vulnerable enough to open up and share with others and-

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Yeah. I love it.

    Titus:

    … to help other people. So, that’s a high level overview of-

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    It’s amazing.

    Titus:

    … where I was-

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    It’s-

    Titus:

    … to where I’m at today, Ashley.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    … It’s amazing. It’s totally incredible. And just the transformation that you talk about and it just… it goes to show how resilient we are. And hearing about your kids and them noticing the difference and your commitment to your recovery, getting excited about your phase work. And one of the things that I think is important is, a lot of people, they come to an outpatient program or they hear about outpatient program and we say to them, “Part of the program is going to these groups.” And they say, “Well, I don’t need groups. I just need individuals.” And from someone who didn’t even think he needed professional help, why do you think that going to group for… and this is for the people who don’t understand why group is so valuable. Why do you think that going to group was so valuable to your recovery?

    Titus:

    Oh my gosh. It was so… I mean, I was definitely one of those people that just thought, “Give me somebody to talk to. I can talk it out, let them listen and get to where I needed to be if I was going to accept professional help.” But-

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Mm-hmm (affirmative).

    Titus:

    … I said on the first day of group, when I introduced myself… I said that, “I’m not trying to offend anybody, but my view of group is that it’s for people who just feel sorry for themselves and don’t have the mindset and the willpower to just make a change.” And that was my first day introduction of group. And, who knows-

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    You know how to make an impression.

    Titus:

    … Oh yeah. Yeah. Of course.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Oh my God. That’s so good. That’s so good.

    Titus:

    And I was so, so happy with within the 30 days for me to eat those words and actually say… to say that, “I want to say something to everybody in the group. I started off and I made this comment and I just want to say that I couldn’t be in the place I am today without group and without everybody’s support and everybody’s vulnerability. I’m so thankful for all the stories and the honesty that people have been able to open up with.” And I think it’s so invaluable that… when you know that other people are going through struggles and you see the things that they have to do to overcome those struggles. And it’s not easy. And you’re in an environment that creates this safe platform where you can open up and have that vulnerability and no one’s judging you. No one’s looking down on you. Everybody’s there to support and try to help and encourage you and build you up that… I mean, you can’t get that on a one-on-one. I mean-

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Yeah.

    Titus:

    … it was just… I literally would… “Oh my gosh, I got to keep going. I got group…” And wrap things up at the office, like, “I got to get going. I got to hurry up. I got group in…” If I was one minute late, I was texting my… our group counselor saying, “Hey, I’m just pulled up at the house. I’m running in. I’m going to be logging in.” And… Because it was just that important to me. And I didn’t want to let anybody in the group down and-

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Yeah.

    Titus:

    … I know everybody feels that way about one another. And it was just so impactful. You can’t… You really can’t, honestly, you can’t trade that for a one-on-one and for me… and I’ll say this, because I said this to… in-group, is that, even though I made this resolve within myself, I said, “I’m going to stop drinking.” It was hard for me to picture that, to say, “How in the world can I go to…” I can see a month, but past a month, I was-

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Yeah.

    Titus:

    … “I can’t see that.” It gave me anxiety. It stressed me out.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Yeah.

    Titus:

    And then you think, “To pull it out of my life all together…” was so overwhelming. So-

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    How does this work?

    Titus:

    … Yeah. How could it work? It’s… to me, it’s impossible, right, to just take that out. And what I loved about group is that when you give your introduction, or your check-in, I guess I should say, you check in, “Hi, my name’s Titus Gardner, my drug of choice is alcohol, and I’ve been sober for X amount of days.” Well, I’d hear people say stuff like “I’ve been sober for 70 days.” I’m like, “What?” “I’ve been sober for 90 days.” “What?” “I’ve been so for 120 days.” I’m like, “Oh my gosh. I can’t wait to hear this. How did you do that? How did you get there?” Right? And I’m like, “I’m Titus Gardner and I’ve been sober for five days now.” And it’s such a milestone to hear, “How am I going to get to these guys? They’re at 40 days, 70 days, 120 days. How did they do that?” And, “I want to be at that place.” And that in itself too, is so encouraging. To just see that people were doing it and it was possible and it can be done.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    And you did it. You’ve done it. You’ve done it for a year. 365 [crosstalk 01:31:50].

    Titus:

    365 days. That’s my check-in.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Mm-hmm (affirmative). That’s right. That’s your check-in. It’s incredible. I love it. I love it. Well, you’re an incredible human being and I love your Instagram videos and-

    Titus:

    Thank you.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    … your story is so inspiring. And I’m just really grateful that you decided to share your story with the world and this particular audience. And I think there are a lot of people out there who are going to relate and find value in the words that you are sharing with us.

    Titus:

    Well, I appreciate it. Thanks for having me. Thank you. I’ve listened to your story on your podcast. So I appreciate you sharing your amazing story as well. And yeah, I just… having this feeling of really caring for yourself and loving yourself, it’s built so much confidence in me as a person. I’m so much happier as a person. And I just want to share that… and I work around people and I talk to people and I see people and I’m around people within my family, and I know that they face the similar struggles about themselves and-

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Mm-hmm (affirmative).

    Titus:

    … it may not be alcohol, it may be something else. And if I can encourage people to really think about themselves. And if that means you have to seek out professional help or whatever it is that you have to do, it’s so valuable to take those steps to become a better you. It’s an amazing feeling. And it’s something that, Ashley, I really wish I would have done years and years ago, but I’m glad that I’m still here and was able to do that. And I just look forward to what the future holds for me.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Me too. Me too. You’ll have to keep us posted. Thank you so much. This podcast is sponsored by lionrock.life. Lionrock.life is a recovery community offering free online support group meetings, useful recovery information and entertainment. Visit www.lionrock.life to view the meeting schedule and find additional resources. Find the joy in recovery at lionrock.life.

    PART 4 OF 4 ENDS [01:34:16]

    Ashley Jo Brewer

    Ashley Avatar

    Ashley Jo is one of the producers of The Courage to Change: A Recovery Podcast team. With over a decade of experience working with C-level executives and directing corporate training events, she brings extensive production experience to Lionrock. In early 2020, she made a significant career change and stepped into the realm of podcasting.

    Her recovery experience includes substance abuse, codependency, grief and loss, and sexual assault and trauma. Ashley Jo enjoys supporting others in recovery by connecting with people and being a leader. She shared her story in Season 3, Episode 92 of The Courage to Change.