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Feb 25
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    • #35 – Kendra Allen Bares It All

    #35 - Kendra Allen Bares It All

    Kendra’s Story

    Kendra Allen is the woman behind the Instagram account, online course and blog, Break Up Bestie. After going through a series of unhealthy relationships in her early 20’s, including narcissism, abuse, and emotional unavailability, Kendra began gathering tools and working on herself to prevent that from happening again.

    Around the same time, Kendra got sober at the age of 21 after years of self-destructive alcoholism. A few years into that, she experienced the break up that brought her to her knees – the kind where you feel like you might actually be dying. Without having alcohol to take the edge off, she really dove into what it takes to go through a break up with grace, with growth, and learned how to come out the other side a better person.

    After seeing a huge gap in break up advice online, Kendra decided to launch Break Up Bestie the same year she got married to the love of her life. She loves empowering women to view a break up, not as an end, but as a beginning to a beautiful path to learn about yourself and to get in touch with what you really want out of a relationship.

    Kendra just launched The Break Up Bestie online course, which walks people through how to navigate their break up with tools, writing exercises, a workbook, and 23 video lessons.

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    Episode Transcript

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Hello, beautiful people. Welcome to The Courage to Change, a Recovery Podcast. My name is Ashley Loeb Blassingame, and I am your host. Today we have my friend, Kendra. Kendra Allen is the woman behind the Instagram account, online course and blog Breakup Bestie. After going through a series of unhealthy relationships in her early 20s, including one of narcissism, abuse and emotional unavailability, Kendra began gathering tools and working on herself to prevent that from happening again. Around the same time, Kendra got sober at the age of 21 after years of self-destructive alcoholism, as opposed to not self-destructive alcoholism. A few years into that, she experienced the breakup that brought her to her knees, the kind where you feel like you might actually be dying. Without having alcohol to take the edge off, she really dove into what it takes to go through a breakup with grace, and with growth, she learned how to come out the other side a better person.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    After seeing a huge gap in breakup advice online, Kendra decided to launch Breakup Bestie, the same year she got married to the love of her life. She loves empowering women to view a breakup not as an end, but as a beginning to a beautiful path to learn about yourself, and to get in touch with what you really want out of a relationship. Kendra just launched the Breakup Bestie online course, which walks people through how to navigate their breakup with tools, writing exercises, a workbook and 23 video lessons. This stuff is so cool you guys, and her story is unreal and I cannot wait for you to hear it, so stick around. Please welcome my friend, Kendra Allen, Episode 35. Let’s do this.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Kendra, Welcome to the podcast booth. Thank you for being here.

    Kendra Allen:

    Thank you for having me. I’m so excited.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    I know. We tried to get you on last season, but I’m really glad we get to … You’re top of the list on Season 2, so this should be good.

    Kendra Allen:

    Yes. I’m so honored to be on here.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    You just launched your course, which I feel like … I’ll let you talk about it, but I’m disappointed I didn’t have it 10 years ago all the times that I needed this, but I think this is the coolest thing ever. Will you tell us a little bit about your recent course before we dive into your most intimate details of your life?

    Kendra Allen:

    Absolutely. So, I just launched the Breakup Bestie online course. It is an online course that takes people through step-by-step healing process after going through a breakup, which it’s interesting you mentioned that you wish you had it 10 years ago. I wish I had it through my breakups, and I started it for me.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Right, right.

    Kendra Allen:

    Selfishly, yes.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    That’s how it always starts.

    Kendra Allen:

    Yeah, so I started that. It’s been in the works for about a year and a half, so just launched it so I’m super excited to see the impact that it’ll have on people.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    So BreakupBestie.com?

    Kendra Allen:

    Yes.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    How did you come up with that name?

    Kendra Allen:

    It’s interesting. My husband and I were bouncing back and forth, and I wanted something that was super comforting, so being the bestie that you go to for a breakup. There’s always some funny … People will say, “Is it breakup with your bestie?” I’m like, “No, it’s not.” I’m not teaching you how to bring them to your best friend, I’m the bestie helping you through your breakup.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Clarification. Oh my God that’s so funny, I didn’t even think of that. No, it’s so awesome because who can’t relate to … There’s a couple of life situations that I would say the majority of the population is going to go through, right? If you have a roommate, you’re going to get in a fight with your roommate. Period, end of story. If you have a significant other, you’re probably going to break up. It’s the rarity. If you go to middle school, you’ll never be the same again. These are life truisms, right? The breaking up part. Your family is into masters track.?

    Kendra Allen:

    My dad does triathlons.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Triathlons, right. For years, I’ve met these athletes who were just focused on sports their whole lives, and then they date for the first time in their mid to late 20s. Their first relationship and break up in their late 20s, so they’ll be dating and you can see there that’s what you do … For the rest of us, most of us did that at 16 or whenever it was.

    Kendra Allen:

    Some of us a little earlier. Yeah.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Bleep. But you can see it’s the same. The first time you go through it, it doesn’t matter what stage in life you’re in, you just don’t know how to deal with that. The younger you are, as you get the hang of it or you’re scarred, but I noticed how important those skills were seeing people do it for the first time in their late 20s, how awkward that was.

    Kendra Allen:

    Yeah, and I always tell people that it’s normal to physically feel like you’re going to die from a breakup.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Yes.

    Kendra Allen:

    You are completely powerless, hopeless. I’ve gone through quite a few in my life, and the most significant one was my first sober breakup because that was like nothing to reach for.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Oh God, the worst.

    Kendra Allen:

    Nothing to take the edge off. It’s just me and luckily being sober, I had some extra tools but it was definitely the most painful because it just felt so incredibly raw. I think one of the biggest reasons I started it too was I looked online when I was going through my breakup, “Google, help. Break up help.”

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Ask Jeeves.

    Kendra Allen:

    Please help me, and all this stuff on there was so gimmicky like, “How to get over your ex in 28 days.” It’s like promising that someone will stay sober for the rest of their life after a 14 day treatment program. That’s just not going to happen. So, I was like something needs to be there with actual writing assignments and tools, and all of the things that I did that got me from day one of the breakup into a point where I was, “Okay, I’m not in pain constantly.”

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    So, the old adage that my friends and I said … I’m going to be in trouble for saying this … were, “Oh, to get over someone you got to get under someone else.” Is that in the Breakup Bestie?

    Kendra Allen:

    No, that part no. I do talk about dating again, and I say, too, “Hey, there are tools. Drinking, for people that can do it. Hookups, one night stands, dating.” That’s okay, as long as it doesn’t become your main coping skill. If you’re using that solely to deal with your breakup, probably not a good idea. But those things sparingly are okay. I feel like we all do that. I try to make it so it’s not super rigid, but it’s also we’re going to focus … It’s all about the person.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Totally.

    Kendra Allen:

    We’re not going to focus on the ex. We’re going to just turn it inward because that’s, in my experience, the only way that I’ve been able to heal from something like that.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Yeah. I love that. I think it’s so cool and I think it’s so needed. There’s so many different things to address, but this fundamental thing we all go through. The Breakup Bestie, we all can think of … I think to my best friend who … And, you and your husband had the same experience me and my husband had, which is we broke up for a long period of time, which was vital to our relationship being sustainable later on. We broke up and I remember my husband and I, my boyfriend at the time, we had a trip planned to Washington DC. So, we broke up and I had this trip planned to DC and it was in the spring, and my best friend was like, “I’ll go with you to DC. We’ll just go and he’ll move out while we’re in DC.” So, we went to all the monuments and I was just crying at every … And, I kept saying, “People must think I’m so patriotic right now, because I’m just at every place.”

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    We’d go the mall. We’d go to every place and I’m just like, “Oh my …” [crosstalk 00:08:48] I just literally cry in front of … I would be fine and then I’d burst into tear randomly. It always happened. I was like, “They must think I just became a citizen.” I couldn’t stop. But, my Break up Bestie. Poor Serena. The whole time, “It’s going to be okay.” Reminding me, doing the whole thing. We all have that experience so to have coursework to do is just phenomenal.

    Kendra Allen:

    Ah, thank you. I actually had a similar story. My girlfriends convinced me to go to Vegas right after my now husband and I broke up. They were like, “Go make out with …” They were trying to push me to do all this stuff. For the most part, I had fun, but the last day we were at a day club. I think the DJ was Martin Garrix. I’m front row, right there, and just start sobbing right in front of the DJ.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Yeah, yeah. He’s like, “Wow, I really dropped the beat on that one.”

    Kendra Allen:

    I think I saw two random people making out and it made me feel super sappy that, “I don’t have that,” and just started sobbing. I always say it was a gift from God. It started pouring and I was like, “Thank you. At least it’ll hide the fact that I’m sobbing at this day club in Vegas.”

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Well, luckily he probably thought you had some really amazing ectasy.

    Kendra Allen:

    Yeah, seriously. I’m dead sober at a day club, sobbing.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    I relate to that. What other people must be like, “Huh? Yeah, interesting.” Okay, so you’re sober. You and I are sober the same amount of time, right?

    Kendra Allen:

    Well, we have the same date but different years.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Different years, okay.

    Kendra Allen:

    Mine’s January 7th, 2013.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Awesome. Okay, cool.

    Kendra Allen:

    I just hit seven.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    How old were you when you got sober?

    Kendra Allen:

    21.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Okay, so around the same age?

    Kendra Allen:

    Yeah.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    You grew up in Orange County, and you’re very close with your family, right?

    Kendra Allen:

    Mm-hmm (affirmative), yeah. Very close, and I feel like I’m one of the few people in the recovery community who are from Orange County.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    The first episode, she was from Orange County and I thought the same thing. There are very few of you.

    Kendra Allen:

    there are some pluses and minuses because you run into the people, you pass by the bars and all that stuff, but I’m very close with my family. They’re still in the same house I grew up in, parents are still married, so very close with them which is nice.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Now, are they hyper-dysfunctional?

    Kendra Allen:

    No, they’re actually … I feel like the longer you stay sober, the more you notice, but for the most part, they’re still married-

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Normal dysfunction?

    Kendra Allen:

    Yes. Still married, my dad has my mom as “Soulmate” in his phone, still totally in love. Grew up in a very loving house. My parents are actually super spiritual. They go to a spiritual church, so when I came into the program, a lot of stuff was actually already familiar to me. My dad used to have me say what I was grateful for, so there was a lot of things that they were doing from an early age-

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    That’s actually not only not normal, it’s progressive.

    Kendra Allen:

    Yeah, so very progressive in that sense. My mom’s a two white wine spritzer and she’s tipsy and done, and my dad, I’ve never seen drink.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    You’ve never seen him drink?

    Kendra Allen:

    I think I saw him take a sip, but he just doesn’t drink so definitely did not grow up-

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Does he say why?

    Kendra Allen:

    He’s very career-focused, doesn’t like feeling out of control.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Ah, okay. Okay.

    Kendra Allen:

    Also, very health conscious. He’s just someone that just never wanted to drink. So, I definitely did not grow up with a family of a lot of drinkers. I have an interesting sibling situation where I have three older half brothers who are 20 something years old than me, and then I have a younger brother who’s nine years younger than me, so for the first nine years of my life, I was an only child basically.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    So, you have three older brothers. How old’s the oldest?

    Kendra Allen:

    55?

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    And, the youngest?

    Kendra Allen:

    My youngest older brother?

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Yeah.

    Kendra Allen:

    Is 50.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Okay, wow. So, they’re all much older.

    Kendra Allen:

    I have nieces my age, so we have this interesting …

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    That’s interesting.

    Kendra Allen:

    They were closer. It’s almost like brothers are almost uncles-

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Right, and cousins.

    Kendra Allen:

    Yes, and then my younger brother’s still in college. We have a pretty big age gap, too.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    My husband has a sister who’s nine years older and they are not super close. They both felt like they grew up as only children.

    Kendra Allen:

    Yes, I think that’s definitely the case. We’re in such areas of life. When I was really deep into my drinking, he was very repulsed by it and used to ask, “Why are you doing this?” Very valid question, and I remember in high school, or middle school, he had to write a poem for a class and he wrote about one of my hospitalizations.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    My sister did the same thing.

    Kendra Allen:

    Really?

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Called the Broken Vase. Swear to god.

    Kendra Allen:

    Really? Yeah, I still have a picture of it. I saved it. And, now he’s in his college experimental phase, which he did make it through high school without drinking-

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    At all?

    Kendra Allen:

    At all, because of me. So, now he’s in college and is trying stuff out. He’s very open with me. I wouldn’t say we’re close just because we’re in two separate phases. I’ve heard that it gets better when we both get older, but he’ll tell me stuff and I want to be like, “No, no. Please don’t tell me. Please don’t tell me.” But, I’m grateful that he’s open with me in that regard.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    When you started experimenting, how old were you when you had your first drink or drug?

    Kendra Allen:

    I was 15 when I had my first drink, and I went through this interesting transition where I went to this tiny school from kindergarten to eighth grade. There was only 100 kids in the whole school, so it was super small. Then, begged to go to this huge public school because I needed … I don’t know what I needed. I needed something-

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Alcohol.

    Kendra Allen:

    I needed alcohol. Yeah, I didn’t know but I needed alcohol. My first drink was the weekend after my freshman year ended, and I was with my childhood best friend and her mom, who was actually … Her mom was the only example of an active alcoholic I had ever seen. My childhood best friend and her brother got taken away from her, so that was the only example of alcoholism I had. We were in Laughlin. All good things happen in Laughlin.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    You had your first drinking experience in Laughlin?

    Kendra Allen:

    I did.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    I’m so impressed.

    Kendra Allen:

    I know. It was literally two of us, me and my best friend. The mom wasn’t drinking but she bought us a couple bottles of Boone’s Farm. So, drank a bottle and a half.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Were you in a biker bar?

    Kendra Allen:

    No, with were literally just in the hotel room.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    And, your parents were like, “Yeah, got to Laughlin.”

    Kendra Allen:

    It was for a wedding, I think. I don’t even really remember going to the wedding though.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Completely unnecessary.

    Kendra Allen:

    I was there, had the drink, had that feeling of waiting for it to hit and then having that feeling of … I was always a very anxious child. Very anxious, very worried, so having that feeling of “Ah” rush over. Because it was only two of us, we weren’t at a party, I ended up just using my Nokia phone at the time and drunk dialing everyone, including … Actually, I had my first break up. I had gotten dumped a week before this happened, and the boyfriend was a little older and he was drinking with his friends and always tried to keep me sheltered. I remember when he broke up with me, he said, “Don’t go drink over it.” Literally that next weekend … I don’t know if they were correlated, but I ended up calling him, called everyone.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Yeah, showed him.

    Kendra Allen:

    Had a brown out that night. Woke up the next morning so sick, and then immediately asked if we could do it again that next night. The first experience, it wasn’t horrible. It was very embarrassing because of all the voicemails I left. I called at 3:00 in the morning so it was a lot of voicemails, and some friends I didn’t-

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    So, recordings?

    Kendra Allen:

    Yeah, a lot of recordings. Some on house phone voicemails, so parents heard, too. That was fun. That was the only part that wasn’t good, but other than that, I was ready to hit it.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Yeah, like here we go. One of the things that we talk about is I had no idea how anxious I was, I had no idea how badly I needed this until I experienced it. Did you know that you were that?

    Kendra Allen:

    I don’t think so. I was always the kid that threw themselves into all the extracurriculars to hide my busybody-ness, and I actually don’t even think I really realized how much it calmed me down until … So, the first time I got caught drinking I think was a couple months after the first time, and my parents asked if I liked it. They said, “Did you like drinking?”, which I think any normal 15, 16 year old would say, “No, I hated it”, trying to get out of trouble, and I said, “No, I really liked it. It quieted my head.” And, I said that at 15, which I thought was so interesting. I definitely knew I loved the effect and I always remember feeling like I wanted to be more lighthearted. I just always felt at a young age really bogged down-

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Serious.

    Kendra Allen:

    … by my inhibitions. Yeah, I wanted to be more flowy and all that stuff, and I felt like alcohol allowed me to do that.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Yeah. So, your parents asked you that. They found out after the first time because of the voicemails?

    Kendra Allen:

    Actually, no. They didn’t find out the first time. I think it was four months after my first drink. I started drinking as often as a 15 year old could, trying to find alcohol. We found this liquor store that would sell to us. I think it was four months in, another parent found out I gave her child alcohol and then she called my parents naturally. So, that was the first time I got caught. But my parents, going back to being a little progressive, they didn’t ground me. My dad had me write three essays.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Oh my God, I love him.

    Kendra Allen:

    One essay on alcohol’s effect on a developing brain, one essay on … I think it was date rape or something like that.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Please tell me he has them.

    Kendra Allen:

    Maybe, but I do remember writing them entirely hungover. So, he had me write this series of essays as my punishment to help, I don’t know, learn from it, which obviously it didn’t work but I just think that’s so funny. I think I only got grounded a couple times, which is pretty miraculous. I think it’s just because my parents aren’t those kind of parents.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Yeah, they were trying something … I like it. I like it. The problem I see would be I would never have done it, so with certain teenagers, I think that’s where I would have been, “Yeah, not doing that.” But, I like that you were willing to do it and that you wrote it. I don’t think it’s a terrible idea. I might use it on my kids. I’m sure they’re going to tell me (beep) myself. “I want you to write about date rape.” That’s an interesting thing. I find it interesting that they asked you if you liked it.

    Kendra Allen:

    Yeah, my parents are very emotional, which growing up with super emotional parents, they both cry at almost anything. Commercials, movies, any time they talk. My mom, on Thanksgiving we talk about what we’re grateful for, she cries every time and always says, “I can’t believe I’m doing this.” We’re like, “We can. You do this every year.” But, it was interesting coming from super emotional parents. I was very not with that. It made me super uncomfortable. They were very curious. They always wanted to ask questions, but I, from a super young age, was really closed off to that kind of interaction. So, they were always curious to learn more about it and I think from a really early age I just said, “Nope, I’m not going to share that with you. I’m just going to hide it as well as I can, and then deal with it when you find out about it. But, I don’t really want to have that kind of relationship.”

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Who’s children are your older brothers?

    Kendra Allen:

    My dad’s.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    What do you think the effect of having your dad have children that age, having had a family before yours had on you? If any?

    Kendra Allen:

    Yeah, I definitely remember wishing I was closer with my older brothers, and always wanting … I always had this desire to be accepted by older people. I can remember in kindergarten, I would be in daycare and I would go up to the seventh and eighth graders and get in. I always had this desire to fit in with them, even thought it just wouldn’t make sense at that time. I think that was one of the only … I will say my dad did a really good job of making everyone feel included and it didn’t necessarily feel like it was those kids and then us. So, we did vacations together and we all remained really close. I think the only thing was this burning desire to be closer with them, so I think I always tried to appear older and more mature so I could hang.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Did you have questions like why did you have a family before, or “So, Mommy wasn’t your first?” Were there questions around that?

    Kendra Allen:

    You know what’s so interesting? I don’t think there really was. I think the only time it was explained was I tried to call my dad’s ex-wife my stepmom, and he’s like, “No.”

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Woops.

    Kendra Allen:

    He was like, “Definitely not.” I mean, easy mistake to make. Easy. That was the only time where he was like, “Let me walk you through this.” She actually lives nearby, my dad’s ex-wife, and because the nieces and nephews, we see them a lot. My dad always showed how much he loved my mom, so I never felt like it was against my mom that he had a wife before just because showed how much-

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    But, were you aware? Did it bring it an awareness to … All of my grandparents are divorced. Every single one of them. And, all but one got remarried. So, I grew up with seven grandparents. I grew up with these sets of grandparents, which was chaotic, but the idea that they had been married to the other grandparent. When I found that out, it was like, “I’m sorry, what?” It totally blew my mind. I didn’t understand how that could be, and then when we talked about … I think it some ways it explained something I had never thought of. I had always thought of two people are together and that’s it. At a young age, I wonder, you must have had a deep understanding like no, sometimes don’t work out. You had a healthy example of that, but still an example of it. And, I just wonder did you think about it?

    Kendra Allen:

    Yeah, I think I was aware of it and I do think my dad did a pretty good job explaining it, but I will say one thing. My parents, still to this day, my family’s a very big “Everything’s great.” For example, one of my older brothers back in the early 90’s went to jail for three or four years.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Oh, wow. Okay.

    Kendra Allen:

    That was when I was three to five, did not find out until I was 15, and I was told by accident by a family member.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    I bet they got in trouble.

    Kendra Allen:

    We used to go visit him every other weekend.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Oh, you went.

    Kendra Allen:

    Yeah, it was to visit him in college. “College”. So, I think they tried to explain it a little bit, but I think for the most part I was sheltered a lot in that regard. But he did, he always said, “I’m so grateful this happened that way. I’m so glad that it didn’t work out with my ex-wife. I’m so glad I met your mom.” My parents had also been together for 11 years … No, they’d been married for 11 years before I was born, so they had been together for 18 years by the time I was even born, so it’s always felt like a super long term relationship.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Yeah, this was not a new thing. So, you wrote these essays, and what did your drinking progress to? When did it start to pick up?

    Kendra Allen:

    I don’t think I ever drank normally. I do know that.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Well, night one you browned out.

    Kendra Allen:

    Night one, browned out. I think I did pick up pretty early on on friends that would say, “I don’t think I should have anymore.” I don’t really ever remember having that awareness, so never really having that off switch. Then, I wasn’t quite able to figure out what that line was until after I got sober, but when I was 16, I was at this Halloween party and got ask by the cool guys at school to go to some after party. I go, only girl there, and one thing led to another and I ended up being sexually assaulted by these two guys at the party. And, I didn’t even realize it was wrong until after I got sober. But honestly, right after that was when things got … I think the blackouts got … I was definitely a very early blackout drinker. I think they become more frequent than not after that point. But yeah, it was interesting. I didn’t tell anyone until after I got sober that that happened.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    I think this happens a lot, and I think a lot of people … I know several of them who we put it in a place, we make sense of it because we have to. How did you make sense of this situation? Why was it not clear to you? I don’t know if you want to talk about what happened or what was the scenario where you were able to explain that away somehow?

    Kendra Allen:

    That night, I was making out with one of the guys. I rationalized it as asking for it, as being my fault. I actually don’t really remember the actual assault, which is good, but the last thing I remember is the other guy coming in and the last thing I remember is saying, “No,” and then that’s it. I just thought it was my fault. I shouldn’t have been at a house by myself with a bunch of guys. I shouldn’t have been interacting with one of the guys, so I think I had really rationalized it as just being my fault and just being a bad situation that came out of that. What’s really interesting is I didn’t realize it was wrong until I was watching an order of Law & Order, the Special Victims Unit one, and the case was literally my story and it went to court. I was like, “Oh, that’s not …”

    Kendra Allen:

    It was before the Me Too movement and all of that, but I think it was when people start realizing what kind of consent can someone give when they’re that intoxicated, and I though about it, I’m so glad I remember saying no, because if I didn’t, I don’t know if I would have been able to even now determine that it was wrong. I actually just told my mom about this a year and a half ago, after going through therapy. I brought her into my therapist’s office and told her what happened. I think it just made me feel very dirty and it made me feel like a bad person, and I think that’s what escalated the drinking was trying to get that feeling to go away.

    Kendra Allen:

    And, I think it was compounded by the fact that my therapist explained to me that when someone goes through and assault, they either go one way where they just stay away from men, or they go the other way and become very promiscuous. I was the latter, where I became super promiscuous so it was like maybe this is just me. Maybe I’m just promiscuous and maybe this is how I get attention. So, it made it even harder to determine that it was wrong because if it was so wrong, why would I keep doing it.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    When you came to, that was the last thing you remember, what was the come to portion of it where you were like, “Uh oh”?

    Kendra Allen:

    It was the next morning. I came to. I was on the couch downstairs at this house. I played water polo in high school, literally had to rush to a water polo tournament, probably still very drunk. The guys ended up just dropping me off at a friend’s house so I could get ready and go to this tournament. I just remember feeling super embarrassed, and then I remember a close friend came to me a couple weeks later and said, “Oh, I heard you had a threesome.” But I said, “Oh, no, no. I didn’t.” I actually just opened up that friend a year and a half ago too, and I said, “Hey, this is what happened.” So, it was hearing about it from other people, and then this reputation-

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    So, it did go around? It wasn’t just that person?

    Kendra Allen:

    No. I think it did. I don’t really know. I started probably at that point not wanting to pay attention to that stuff. That was when I started to not want to know what I did during a blackout. When someone said, “Do you know what happened last night?” I would say, “Yeah,” and then just stop the conversation. I think that’s when I started to have this feeling very separate and very isolated because that’s when the secrets really started.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Yeah, I have a couple of experiences of remembered, real assaults where all the pieces are how you would think it would be, but I have a lot of situations in my drinking and using where I just went along because that was going to be easier. And, I think that was as a result of those previous situations, situations like you describe where things happen and then you get further into your drinking and you’re in situations you know you shouldn’t be in, and if anybody walked you through the situation, you’d be like, “Yeah, that was probably a terrible idea, and this was probably really clearly going to happen, but you’re in it.” I remember thinking when the Me Too movement came out, and I remember thinking to myself, “I don’t even know how many times,” because there were so many times where I thought to myself, “If I say no right now, there could be a problem so I should just go along with this.”

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    I remember doing that more times than I care to remember. Those people would tell you I consented, right? I did. I wouldn’t tell them that I didn’t, but your mindset after something like that happens changes to assign different levels of safety and what’s going to be the best, least resistant way out of this situation. I think that you do, you find a place to put it, and I definitely went the more promiscuous route, too, which made each different incident of things that happened over time, made the last one further away, made the difficult one even further away. So, I was able to hide in that promiscuity. I was able to hide in all the other circumstances where I was like, “Well, I shouldn’t have been there. I shouldn’t have been doing that.” I think many women who aren’t alcoholics would tell you the same thing.

    Kendra Allen:

    Yeah, and I think, too, what I figured out through … I did a year and a half of EMDR therapy, which helped a ton just to look at it for what it is. It took me a long time to even be able to call it a rape. I kept using this term, “They took advantage.” And, I remember the first time I said it in therapy, and my therapist said, “That’s what it was. I just want you to know that’s what it was.” I think what I did subconsciously was I had something taken from me, so because I didn’t want … And, mind you, this assault happened the night after I lost my virginity, so it was really early on, very twisted. It really twisted my mindset around sex and around relationships with men. And, because I had that taken from me, I wanted to become the aggressor so I almost had this conquering thing where I wanted to set my sights on someone and be the one that takes that.

    Kendra Allen:

    So, it did become this thing but it was interesting, because I still didn’t really share about it with people, and reputation precedes you so it’s like that became this thing at school that I just didn’t talk about literally with anyone. It’s just crazy that a 16 year old girl going through all of this just decided to not tell friends, not tell anyone.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Because when something like that happens … I was date raped in sobriety, and-

    Kendra Allen:

    Wow.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Which blew my mind. Blew my mind. Because, I was like I go to River Run, Laughling, do all these things and nobody touched me. I was fine, and this situation with a UCSD soccer player, situation where for all intents and purposes, I would have never thought I was in danger. Seriously. What I know from that situation versus all the intoxicated ones is that people, when they know the person or the people around, even the people who were there, they don’t know what to do with that. When their friend, Johnny, they find out their friend Johnny assaulted Sarah, they’re like, “No way. No way.” They can’t handled that. And, understandably. If I found out that my good friend assaulted someone or did something, what do I do with that? That pulls into question all my morals as the friends. Do I stop talking to them? Imagine putting yourself in a high school situation.

    Kendra Allen:

    Where it’s like we don’t know how to deal with much.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Yeah, so I watched what adults did in that situation where I was like I’m sober. There was not this situation of I’m confused about what happened. I know what happened, but it was such a moral conflict for the friends and the people around. They could not handle it, and they did not respond. I thought, “Oh, that’s what happens. You’re in high school and what are you supposed to do? Not be friends with the person that you’re in school with? Not go to English class with them? Be the one person who’s going to be the vigilante, who stands up and says, ‘That’s not right,’ at the risk of ‘I don’t know what the circumstances were, and this person was intoxicated. I wasn’t there.'”

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    It makes total sense to me why, as a 16 year old girl, you look at the situation and you’re like, “Yeah, me being honest about this, or me going deeper on this, or me thinking too much about this does me zero good because none of his friends, or none of their friends are going to be like, ‘Yeah, you’re right. Joey’s a bad kid. We’re going to not be his friend anymore.'” That’s just not going to happen. You go the other way and try to figure out this is my new normal, how do I deal with this? Should I just go with I’m a promiscuous hot babe? I guess that’s what I’m going to do. What other choices are there?

    Kendra Allen:

    Yeah, that’s a really good point. I actually hadn’t thought about that, but yeah, I think I just had to own it because that’s the only way I could make sense of it and compartmentalize it.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Right. You can either be the girl who says, “I was assaulted at this party by these two guys,” and have people be upset that you’re calling someone a rapist, or you can be the girl whose like, “Yeah, I have threesomes.” Right?

    Kendra Allen:

    Yeah.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Those are your options. I think as a 16 year old girl, I can tell you being the 20 whatever I was, 22 year old, sober girl saying this is what happened, not fun. Not fun, nothing happened to him. His friends are still friends with him. People still know him. His life did not change, and I was the girl who was like, “Yo, this is what just happened. This was not cool. Blah, blah, blah.” Really, nothing comfortable came … I don’t regret that but just it’s I didn’t get anything out of that, so I can imagine being 16. I wasn’t in school with any of these people. What else do you do?

    Kendra Allen:

    Yeah, and I think, too … This memory just popped in my head, but when I was 17, I started becoming isolated from my friends at school because there was this weird, “No one’s going to ask me about my anti-social behavior,” but they couldn’t quite support it. I remember I asked this friend to send me a study guide for a class, and the attachment that came with it was a two to three page rhyming poem written about me, and my promiscuity and my behavior drinking, and I just left it. I did ask, me, passive aggressive, “I don’t think you meant to send this to me.” I never dug into who wrote it. I still went on this big senior trip with this whole group girls. Never found out who actually wrote it, and I just didn’t want to touch it.

    Kendra Allen:

    I think as high school progressed and as my drinking progressed, I started pulling these mini-geographic’s of linking up with different groups of friends because it just became too painful to stay in that one spot.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Yeah. You know that Netflix thing? This just popped in my head. Don’t (beep) Kill Cats, or whatever it is. This is probably a horrible analogy, but you can go on the internet and hurt cats, and people hunt these people down. In whatever corner of the world you are, they’re going to find you. But, in a situation like that, no one wants to go near … We have these certain topics, certain situations where it’s completely unacceptable. No one’s going to accept you. They like topics, but then situations like this-

    Kendra Allen:

    Like bullying.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Yeah, is anyone really going to hunt down who wrote that poem? Is anyone going to really go and find out who assaulted whom while they were drunk? No. Nobody touches that stuff, and I think that you and most of us young girls, we know it. We know that. Either we’ve seen it or we intuitively know that.

    Kendra Allen:

    Yeah, and I will say there were a couple friends, two particular, in high school that really were concerned about me. Fast forward, the blacking out got worse, the consequences got worse and worse. The summer going into my senior year of high school, I decided to go on a Habitat for Humanity Build in New Orleans to look good on the college application. So, the first night we were there, it was four of my friends, my cousin and my sister-in-law, who was our chaperone. We drank the first night, and I blacked out but through a series of things I was standing on this ledge smoking a cigarette and completely lost conscious, and I fell 11 feet off a ledge straight onto a dock, straight onto my face.

    Kendra Allen:

    Friends thought I was dead because I was completely unconscious-

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Do they think you were unconscious before you hit the ground?

    Kendra Allen:

    I think I did lose conscious because my cousin who was standing right there said, “You were standing there, and then all of a sudden you went …”

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Down.

    Kendra Allen:

    Down. I could see my teeth through my lip, broken nose, had to get 30 stitches. That happened first night, so I literally had to build houses with my face all-

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    They made you build houses still?

    Kendra Allen:

    I mean, they didn’t make me. They didn’t let me use power tools because I was on all these pain meds. They just gave me a hammer and told me-

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    They didn’t send you home?

    Kendra Allen:

    I mean, I don’t know if they didn’t send me home or I refused-

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    You broke your nose and you-

    Kendra Allen:

    Broke my nose. I have this picture. My lip was four times its normal size, super crazy concussion.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    I mean, nowadays people pay a lot of money for that.

    Kendra Allen:

    I know, I know. I was actually looking at the picture, I’m like, “Man, that looks like people I know lips.” That happened. We lied to all the parents. We all got together and we were like, “Kendra slipped and fell.” So, we had this collective lie-

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Big little lies situations.

    Kendra Allen:

    Big little lies, yeah. Kendra slipped and fell, it happened in the morning, not at night.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Didn’t someone take you-

    Kendra Allen:

    No, they didn’t take me til the hospital until the next morning.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Oh, for the love of God.

    Kendra Allen:

    No one wanted to get in trouble. A couple of my friends were like, “You need to call an ambulance.”

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Do you remember coming to?

    Kendra Allen:

    The first thing I remember was being in the house looking at myself in the mirror. That was the first thing I remember, and literally could see my teeth through my chin.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    You have a little scar right there.

    Kendra Allen:

    Yeah, on the inside, too.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Oh, a big scar on the inside.

    Kendra Allen:

    Mm-hmm (affirmative).

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    That was all open?

    Kendra Allen:

    That was open.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    And, no one took you?

    Kendra Allen:

    One friend called her brother, and I will say there definitely friends there that wanted to call the ambulance-

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Shout out to the friends who wanted to call the ambulance.

    Kendra Allen:

    One friend called her brother who was in Search and Rescue. He said, “Take your fist and dig it into her sternum.” That’s the most painful thing you can do to someone, so they were like if anything, that will wake her up. That woke me up.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Oh, wait a minute. That was because you-

    Kendra Allen:

    I was still laying there.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    The fall didn’t wake you up?

    Kendra Allen:

    No. My cousin was like, “I thought you were dead.” It was 11 feet-

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    And, you didn’t wake up to stop yourself.

    Kendra Allen:

    No.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Fully broke your face.

    Kendra Allen:

    Fully could have broken my neck and died, and it was crazy because when I was in college, a girl … It was a guy. A guy on spring break fell the exact same distance on spring break and broke his neck and died. Then, three days later we were walking down Bourbon Street, and one of the girls had a drink and I was like, “Can I have some?” I remember one of my friends was like, “Kendra, are you out of your mind? Look at your face.”

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    You’re like, “Yeah, look at my face. I need a drink.”

    Kendra Allen:

    I’m like, “I need one of these giant slushies.”

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    I can just see you with the straw through the side of your-

    Kendra Allen:

    I remember trying to eat SpaghettiOs lifting my mouth open and putting SpaghettiOs in my mouth being able to eat. We got away with the lie, got home and then the weekend before my senior year started, a friend was having a jungle themed party, so I go to this party dressed as Jane from Tarzan, and there’s a lot of weird situations that happened that night but at 3:00 in the morning, I was driving with a friend in the front seat, lost consciousness behind the wheel … Same thing happened. My body just shut down from the amount of alcohol-

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Yeah, because that’s not a blackout. That’s like see you later.

    Kendra Allen:

    Yeah, so lost consciousness behind the wheel, drifted across eight lanes of traffic in Long Beach and crashed into the outside fence of the Long Beach Airport.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Oh, wow. Were you on the 405?

    Kendra Allen:

    No, I was on Lakewood Boulevard.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Still, that’s huge.

    Kendra Allen:

    Drifted across, luckily didn’t hit anyone. My foot slipped off the gas pedal, so I hit it not going that fast but I was still unconscious and my friend was so drunk, too, that she didn’t wake up until the fire trucks got there.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    So, you guys are both into the fence and out?

    Kendra Allen:

    Yes.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    They don’t know whether you’re dead or sleeping?

    Kendra Allen:

    Yeah, and luckily a woman saw it happen, so she called 911 because they said, “If you sat there for a half hour, done.”

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Why?

    Kendra Allen:

    My body was shutting down from the amount of alcohol. By the time they finally got me … They had to pry the doors open. By the time they finally got me to the hospital, I was .34 but that was awhile.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    So, it wasn’t like you weren’t going to pass out and then wake up later like, “Oh, what’s happening?” You were actually alcohol poisoning.

    Kendra Allen:

    Yeah, probably close to a coma soon. I woke up the next day strapped to the bed in the ICU. I got strapped down because I was trying to in the middle of the night pull out all my IV’s. Neck brace on. I tried to get out of the bed and I had a catheter in, so I was like, “Ow.” The first thing that this woman came in who was a social worker and asked if I knew where I was, if I knew what happened. No idea. They told me what happened. I ended up having this full blown panic attack in the hospital, and you know what they gave me? A brown paper bag. I was in the ICU.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    There are such funny moments in stuff like that. I had an overdose, a heroin overdose, and I was in the whatever … I don’t know if it was the ICU, but it was definitely the “You’re in big doo-doo” room. They came over with my sheet and they’re like, “You smoke?” I swear to God. I swear to God. I was like, “Where am I?” I was at Stanford, just FYI. Stanford Emergency Room, and the nurse told me my smoking was going to be a problem. I swear to God.

    Kendra Allen:

    Oh my gosh.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    There are these moments where you’re just like-

    Kendra Allen:

    Yeah. Well, and I think I was also still intoxicated and the nurse had braided my hair. I was so moved by the fact that she … I was like, “Someone braided my hair,” and then started crying. Then, parents walk in and all that stuff. But now looking back, I remember laying in that bed. I was in the ICU for three days. I was supposed to go to Palm Springs with girlfriends the next day, and I remember I asked my mom for her phone and I called them and I was like, “I’ll be there later today.” My mom’s like, “You’re not going to Palm Springs.” I was in the hospital for three days-

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    So, what were they doing? Why did you need to be in the ICU?

    Kendra Allen:

    Just because my body, organs were-

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    They were detoxing?

    Kendra Allen:

    … starting to shut down. I had tubes coming out of everywhere. I remember being in there full knowing I was going to drink again. I don’t even think I made that empty promise of, “It’s never going to happen again.” After that point-

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    No DUI?

    Kendra Allen:

    No DUI. It was the craziest loophole. Because it happened at the airport, it was under airport jurisdiction and the Long Beach Airport Police don’t deal with this frequently, so they didn’t know that they had to go to the hospital to follow up. The social worker was like, “The police are going to be here any minute.” I got away with it.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    You’re like, “Great, give me another one of those paper bags. I need a second paper bag.”

    Kendra Allen:

    I never got a DUI-

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Because the Long Beach Police Department-

    Kendra Allen:

    The Long Beach Airport-

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Airport police would have to come to the-

    Kendra Allen:

    Would have to go to Long Beach Memorial, which is so crazy. This all happened in the hospital I was born in, so it was such this weird-

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    And, the friend? What happened?

    Kendra Allen:

    We both got put in this drug and alcohol education program that I only made it halfway through because I failed the drug test and told my parents it was stupid, a stupid program, which is funny because I’ve gone back and spoken at that program.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Of course.

    Kendra Allen:

    So, my parents ended up buying a breathalyzer. I was no longer allowed to stay at friend’s houses. I had to come home-

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    How old were you?

    Kendra Allen:

    I was 17.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Oh, okay.

    Kendra Allen:

    I was 17 when that all happened and it was literally the weekend before my senior year started, so senior year day walk in and I felt like … My water polo coach was like, “We need to talk. I heard you crashed into the airport.”

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    You’re like, “Honest mistake.”

    Kendra Allen:

    Yeah, I’m like, “Honest mistake. I thought there was a flight.” I still don’t know where I was going, which is weird. But, that’s when I started smoking weed every day because I was like I have to do something.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Yeah, this alcohol thing’s getting a little tricky.

    Kendra Allen:

    Yeah, this alcohol thing is getting a little sticky, I’m getting breathalyzed every night. That was really when I think I became too anti-social for my friends, and the friend who wanted to call the ambulance in New Orleans, after this incident, she called my parents and she goes, “That’s not what happened in New Orleans. She was drinking.” Everything came out, and of course, totally got defensive to that friend, “What a bad friend you are for telling on me.” That was when I went to a couple AA meetings that year, because part of this program I had to go. And, I went to the Canyon Club. I thought, “Cool stories.”

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Cool stories, bro.

    Kendra Allen:

    Cool story, bro. Not for me. That’s when I started hanging out in Laguna and Newport. I just started jumping around because it just wasn’t working. What’s weird is at that time, I was still getting super good grades. I got into USC, which was the dream school I wanted to go to. So, things just kept progressing. Graduated high school, got into this dream college-

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    And, then you go to USC. What’d you study?

    Kendra Allen:

    I studied business, and I think probably the biggest thing that happened … I was a spring admit, which means you’re good enough to get in but you’re not good enough to start in the fall so we have to wait until people drop out after their first semester and then you’re admitted.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Interesting.

    Kendra Allen:

    I ended up going to community college for my first semester, but right around this time is when I met the guy who changed everything. This is funny telling this story now, but my mom enrolled me in Jenny Craig when I was 17. Great confidence booster. It was a big plot twist. This is a big sideways. She enrolled me in Jenny Craig when I was-

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Did she talk to you about it? Was she like, “You’re going to USC, you better get into Jenny Craig. Those bitches are serious.”

    Kendra Allen:

    Skinny bitches at USC. I think she saw me trying to lose weight so [crosstalk 00:53:53] I think as a way to be helpful, she … Yeah, so I joined Jenny Craig, and because I was under 18, I got a counselor that I had to meet with.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Were you overweight?

    Kendra Allen:

    Yeah, if I look at myself I’m like, “You look great.”

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    I’d like to be as fat as I was when I thought I was fat.

    Kendra Allen:

    Yeah, no, I definitely was not, but my Jenny Craig counselor was this guy named Rick, who-

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Oh.

    Kendra Allen:

    Yeah.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    This is good.

    Kendra Allen:

    It does not go well. I’m like, “Mom, you want to enroll me in Jenny Craig? I’m going to fall in love with the counselor who’s 12 years older than me.” There’s flirtation and stuff happening when I’m 17, and then when I’m 18-

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Around the meal planning?

    Kendra Allen:

    Yeah.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Sorry.

    Kendra Allen:

    He started training, personal training me when I was 18.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Going to hit the gym. Your poor mom. Oh, I can just see her being like, “Oh, I really blew it, didn’t I?”

    Kendra Allen:

    We start dating. I’m 18, he’s 30. At first, I talked about always wanting to be older and fit in, so I’m like, “Oh, I’m with a 30 year old. This feels cool.” He was a super gentleman compared to 18 year old guys in high school. He’s taking me to nice dinners and knows all the good places. Yeah, so we start dating and I’m going to a local community college, so we’re hanging out a ton and things are moving really quickly in the relationship. I tell my parents about him. They’re not happy. And, I start having these drinking incidents with him. Our first night we stayed at a hotel, it was down on Balboa. I left the hotel room to just … I don’t know, I think I was looking for cigarettes but I left the hotel room-

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    You didn’t want him to count the calories.

    Kendra Allen:

    He has no idea where I am. I’m on a fake ID because I’m 18, so he’s running around Balboa trying to find me. Stuff is happening like that, but then six months into the relationship, I think it’s how he always was but he turned very quickly into this very narcissistic, abusive … Not physically, but very emotionally and verbally abusive person, and by that point, I was so invested in him. It ended up really messing with my college experience because when he turned, it was when he saw me texting this other guy and he was like, “I don’t trust you living on campus, so we’re going to get an apartment in Long Beach and you’re going to live there with me.” Of course, it was all placed in this way of, “I love you. If you loved me, you would do this.”

    Kendra Allen:

    So, that relationship just turned super sour, super quickly. One of my last really bad drinking incidents with him, we were in Ladera at his friend’s birthday party and I start drinking at noon, and by 8:00 we get in this huge screaming match at Taste of Ladera. We’re screaming, shoving each other, and we get home and we have this huge fight, breaking things. I ended up cutting my wrist, which is never something I wanted to do or pictured myself doing, and then I run to a friend’s house and tell them everything that happened. So, the next day he was like, “If you love me, you’re going to change your phone number, you’re going to delete your social media and we’re going to move to Irvine.” I went to high school in Long Beach, so I knew a ton of people around there.

    Kendra Allen:

    Literally, he wiped me … I mean, I did it myself but he wiped me from the face of the earth.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Okay, but there’s a good joke in here about how wiping you from the face of the earth starts … social media, new phone number, and Irvine.

    Kendra Allen:

    Yeah, I’m going to take you from this fun place and I’m going to move you to Woodbridge.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Yeah, exactly. You’re going to Irvine.

    Kendra Allen:

    Not Irvine.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    No.

    Kendra Allen:

    And, I changed my phone number.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    For people who don’t know, Irvine’s in Orange County. It was the safest city in America, and it’s the safest city. It’s a very suburban, cookie cutter, safe city.

    Kendra Allen:

    Yeah, so I went from living in Long Beach where I went to high school, had a ton of friends, to Irvine where I’m 19. The only place to go out in the neighborhood is Chili’s and Olive Garden. So, I go from that to this, really not knowing anyone. There was rumors that I got pregnant and just ran away because no one knew-

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    You might as well have been in Mexico. She went to TJ. Irvine or TJ, I don’t remember which but all the same.

    Kendra Allen:

    I literally got wiped from the face of the earth and then the control in that relationship got worse. It was daily screaming matches, calling me horrible names, and then of course, in the beginning, he wants to know everything about me so I tell him. I tell him everything. And then, slowly but surely that starts being used against me. I definitely think my parents were aware that something was off with it, but Rick also stopped me from drinking, so I think they were in this position where they’re like, “I don’t want her drinking because that’s what’s going to kill her.” My mom, I think at 17, first confronted me that she thought I was an alcoholic. So, I think they were put in this weird situation where they got to weigh the lesser of two evils.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    My version of Rick took me to my first AA meeting, and tried to get me sober. Sat down with my parents, “I’m taking her to …” Definitely same thing.

    Kendra Allen:

    I think they just were at a loss. I was in that relationship for three years, and-

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    How long did you live in Irvine?

    Kendra Allen:

    A year and a half. It was half of our relationship.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Were you still at USC? Were you driving there?

    Kendra Allen:

    I was driving to USC. Not making any friends-

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Talk about a punishment.

    Kendra Allen:

    Yeah, and my classes were from 8:00 to 6:00 so I literally sat in three hours of traffic. It’s not that he wasn’t drinking. I would get home and he would ask me to make him a martini, so I’m an alcoholic but-

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    But, you’re not drinking.

    Kendra Allen:

    I’m not. I would drink every once in a while, but it would be the kind of thing where he would say, “Okay, we’re going to go to this barbecue. You can have two drinks.” If I had three, he would say, “Hey, you can’t have that.” So, I would go to our house and chug stuff. I was figuring out ways, but I was definitely very dry. I was a very dry alcoholic in that relationship, and what finally ended it was I was in Wisconsin with my family, which we would take this trip … We take this trip every year … and we were drinking one night, and Rick had gone to bed, and in a blackout, I told my siblings everything. I was like, “I cut my wrist. This relationship’s terrible. He’s sucking the life out of me. He makes me feel like a piece of crap every day, calls me name, using me for money.” I just told them everything.

    Kendra Allen:

    That was the first time I had said anything about that out loud, because I wasn’t talking to anyone. I was talking to my parents solely to keep financial support, but other than that, I wasn’t talking to anyone, so I finally said it out loud and I was like, “This relationship has to end.” So, we broke up. Then, this is the craziest story. We break up in Wisconsin. Go home-

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Together?

    Kendra Allen:

    Together. Three days later … It’s not a funny story, but it’s kind of funny. He’s at Goat Hill with his friends and is walking across Newport Boulevard in Costa Mesa and gets hit by a car. He survived. He’s walking and he just gets hit by this van that’s coming off the 55.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    I’m telling you, Irvine not as safe as you think. Wait, you broke up in Wisconsin?

    Kendra Allen:

    Yes. Came home to Irvine.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    And, then you get on a flight together. I bet that was not fun.

    Kendra Allen:

    Then, we were just going to figure it out because we were living together, but then he gets hit by this car and can’t walk. So, we lived together for six months. He’s in a wheelchair. He’s on a ton of pain … That’s when I started first trying pain meds. It’s very dysfunctional but we’re living together for six months.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Are you together at this time?

    Kendra Allen:

    Kind of, but not really. It took another six months to get out.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Is he still in a wheelchair?

    Kendra Allen:

    No, I think he’s okay. You know what’s so crazy. He’s never had social media so I have no idea where he is at all. I haven’t seen him since I had a week sober, so literally no idea where he lives, if he’s alive. I’ve tried looking him up. He’s off the grid. We end up breaking up and I move down to San Clemente, and find myself in the bar scene there. That’s when I start escalating to other drugs and the whole thing. I pick up right where I left off.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    So, how old are you when you moved to San Clemente?

    Kendra Allen:

    20.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Okay, and then you got sober at 21?

    Kendra Allen:

    Mm-hmm (affirmative).

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    So, what was the thing that forced you, or made you want to get sober?

    Kendra Allen:

    It was nothing dramatic that happened the day I got sober, but that last year was definitely … I lived in San Clemente and then I moved to downtown Huntington where I was half a block from all the bars when I was 21. There’s a lot more incidents ending up the hospital. I woke up one morning missing my front tooth out of the hangover.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Wait, tell us about that.

    Kendra Allen:

    It happened in Huntington. I guess I was a bar in Huntington. I had this thing where I would just drink until I lost consciousness standing up.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Yeah, apparently.

    Kendra Allen:

    That happened and I went straight into a bar stool, so I knocked this tooth out, my front tooth out.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    That is a party foul.

    Kendra Allen:

    Party foul. The friends I was with at that time were big party friends because that’s who you end up with by the end, and they don’t want to leave because it happened pretty early in Huntington, at maybe 10:30 or 11:00. So, they’re literally feeding me cocaine … I’m out cold, and they’re literally trying to put cocaine in my mouth to get me to wake up. They didn’t notice my tooth was gone, either. I was just out and my mouth was closed-

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Was it half?

    Kendra Allen:

    It was almost all.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Almost all? And, they missed that?

    Kendra Allen:

    Yeah, because I was out and my mouth was closed so they were trying to feed me cocaine to get me going and they were like, “Oh my God, we have to take her home. This sucks.” What ended up ultimately leading me to get sober was the one person I kept in touch with with my drinking was my cousin, who’s now my best friend, but she’s the only person I would tell what was happening because she wouldn’t be judgmental of me and we used to party a lot together. So, I would tell her if I had a blackout and I remember the week before I got sober, I had these friends from high school that I hadn’t seen or hung out with since I wiped myself off the face of the earth, so it was really important to me because this was this reuniting thing after a couple years.

    Kendra Allen:

    I remember telling my cousin, “I can’t black out tonight. I have to be a good host. I haven’t seen them in so long.” Woke up the next morning at my brother’s friend’s house, no phone. I literally ditched these two girls. They had to call a boyfriend to come pick them up and I remember thinking, “Wow, I can’t not black out even if I don’t want to.” That was a seed planted in my head. And then, I went out drinking for Sunday fun day, and I was mixing pain meds at that time. I was trying to figure out that perfect concoction to allow me to drink how I wanted to, so I went out drinking for Sunday fun day, and I woke up at my parent’s house on Monday morning upstairs in their office. I remember thinking, “Oh gosh. I didn’t have a phone.” Then, my super sweet dad comes in and he’s like, “So, not a big deal, but the police have your purse. You tried to steal some woman’s phone, so we’ll have to go back and get that later.” Then, he just left and I was like ugh.

    Kendra Allen:

    I knew the next person that was going to walk in was going to be my mom, and my mom and I had always been the ones that had butted heads on my drinking. I remember thinking, “Okay, what’s going to be the excuse this time? School stress? Still getting over Rick? Didn’t eat enough?” I just was trying to figure out what’s my angle and it was just blank. Nothing came up. So, she walked in and all of a sudden I was like, “I need help,” which is the first time I think I had ever said that and we both just cried, and she said, “I know.” No shocker. Then, this crazy series of events happened that I ended up logging onto Facebook because I was trying to figure out … I didn’t have phone so I’m trying to figure out what happened. My older brother’s friend messaged me on Facebook and he’s like, “How are you?”

    Kendra Allen:

    I decided to say, “I think I have a drinking problem. I’m super scared.” He’s like, “I’ve actually been going to AA meetings to help with this drug thing I’ve been having. Do you want me to pick you up today and take you to a meeting?” I said, “Okay.” I go to HOW Hall, the noon meeting on a Monday and there was people-

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    In Costa Mesa?

    Kendra Allen:

    In Huntington Beach. It was definitely a crowd I would normally not have mixed with. There was a guy wearing goggles and a cape talking to himself, a lot of homeless people-

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Yeah, HOW Hall’s not exactly …

    Kendra Allen:

    Yeah, it was definitely not, but I’m so glad I went there because they read more about alcoholism, and that was the first time I heard alcoholism explained in a way that was … I can’t explain it other than I was so relieved like, “Oh my gosh, I’m not …” I just remember thinking I’m just such a bad person, and how it would relate later to God is my dad, like I mentioned, is super spiritual and he used to say that we’re all made perfect in the eyes of God. I remember thinking I must have been skipped because I’m not perfect. I don’t know right from wrong, I’m stealing from friends, I’m stealing from stores. I’m stealing from my parents. I’m lying to everyone. I’m stealing friend’s boyfriends. I’m not a morally good person, so I just thought I was an innately bad person.

    Kendra Allen:

    So, when I heard more about alcoholism read, I’m like, “Oh, I have alcoholism. I’m not a bad person.” They read that, and I think because it perked my ears up, I listened fully to what people shared and I related to the homeless people so that was like, “Okay, I belong in AA.” It was a week before my last semester at USC started, so I did a night IOP and got sober and started going to meetings and started working the program, and graduated college with four months sober. I have this journal entry from my first day sober of when I read the Big Book for the first time and it says in the journal, it says, “I feel like I’ve been hit by lightening.” Just everything in my life just clicked all at once. It was just this huge … I remember feeling scared that drinking wasn’t going to be on the table anymore, but more than anything I was just so relieved.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Yeah, yeah, because you had hit that bottom. I talk about how I thought I was schizophrenic because of the voices and then they were like, “Yeah, but it’s your voice so you’re no schizophrenic. You’re an alcoholic.”

    Kendra Allen:

    Oh, interesting.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Yeah, and how I was like, “Oh, thank …” I was like, “We have a problem. We have a real problem. We can’t tell anybody about it.” You do, you do think that there’s something … I will say this. There are some people who come into Alcoholic’s Anonymous or 12 Step who have a drinking problem who are bad people. You take the drugs and alcohol away and you still are left with who they are, but I would say many of us can be trained and work through out of that, but it is really scary to come into a situation thinking I don’t know how to stop. I steal from people, I lie to people on command, automatically. I can make myself believe it, whatever it is. How are you going to help me? Then, come into read and hear about it and go, “Wow, that really sounds like me,” but also to hear homeless people and people who don’t look anything like us saying the same things. In some ways, you’re like, “Is this a good thing or a bad …”

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Am I totally screwed or what’s happening here? Yeah, there’s definitely this feeling of, “Okay, well at least I know what’s wrong as opposed to just going through the misery that is the end stages of addiction.”

    Kendra Allen:

    Yeah, and I’m fully convinced that if I would have kept drinking, I don’t think I would have been around much longer just because the drinking I was doing was hitting my head-

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    I was just going to say-

    Kendra Allen:

    I was living alone-

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    … losing the consciousness thing is in it of itself, that is without the drinking is dangerous.

    Kendra Allen:

    Yeah, so all of that and I think then there was that added element of once I got sober, especially doing my fourth step, I was lying, cheating, stealing not drinking. I did, I had that thought I think a lot of us have is, “I’m going to get sober and I’m going to be awesome right off the bat.” It’s like, “The drinking’s the only problem. Once I take that out, I’m going to find the right guy. I’m going to be great. I’m not going to steal anymore.” And to be honest, I had to make a lot of financial amends for stealing, and I still have the thought sometimes. I’m like, “I don’t want to pay $15.00 for sunscreen.” I have to catch that sometimes. So, there was that very stark reality once I started getting into the steps of, “No, this doesn’t have to do with alcohol.” I used alcohol to deal with everything, but it’s definitely not the reason that I was lying, cheating and stealing.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Right, right. Once you got sober, how did you move into working on getting well?

    Kendra Allen:

    I think I did it baby steps, for sure. I did get a sponsor pretty early on. Also, I’ve always been the gold star girl. I want to get the accolades, so if you’re telling me I should get a sponsor, I’ll get a sponsor, but I remember my first sober boyfriend I broke up with him, and then I called her after, and she’s like, “I would like for you to call me before you make decisions.” I was definitely sometimes slowly in a lot of those ways, and I don’t really feel like I fully got into the steps until I had about six months. I definitely used relationships in the first six months to help me stay sober, which I’m grateful for because I don’t know if I would have been able to stay sober without them.

    Kendra Allen:

    So, I think whatever tools we use in the beginning, they’re not right-

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Half of them I can’t even say on the podcast. I can just say I just stayed sober. I mean you don’t put the drink and then suddenly become a different person. It’s the beginning of the transition of the change. Coming full circle with Breakup Bestie, obviously this was such a huge … this relationship aspect was such a huge piece of your recovery. What were the relationships in the beginning that started that and how did you get from those types of relationships to a healthy one?

    Kendra Allen:

    My last relationship before I got sober was with this guy that I didn’t like, but he liked me and I was at that point where I was like, “I’ll be with whoever likes me at this point.” And then, he broke up with me because said he never wanted to get married or have kids. That was this weird thing. I was like, “I didn’t even want to be with you, but you broke up with me.” That was at the very tail end of my drinking, and then I got into a relationship at seven days sober.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Oh. Okay, good. Enough time.

    Kendra Allen:

    With a guy I used to drink with, and he was ready to move in at a month. And, my mom was just so happy that I was with someone who wasn’t drinking. We brought him on vacation with us. But, I remember he started giving me a hard time when I would go to meetings late with people. Thank goodness I said, “I don’t think this is right. I think I’m supposed to go to meetings.” I ended that with him, and then a week later, in a new relationship. Three weeks later, he’s living at my apartment. My first sponsor called my house “The Dog Pound” because I would literally just have people move in.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Oh, God. That’s so good. That’s so relatable.

    Kendra Allen:

    This guy moved in.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    The dog pound.

    Kendra Allen:

    Yeah. All of a sudden, it was the day I was supposed to do my fifth step. He called and he’s like, “So, I decided that I don’t want to get married or ever have kids.” That was it. I was like, “Okay.” And, he still lived with me for I think a month after that. After breaking up with me-

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    You were very nice.

    Kendra Allen:

    So, basically over the course of two and a half years, I got dumped three times because the guy didn’t want to get married or have kids. It was like I had progressed from this narcissist, emotional abusive, obsessive toxic relationship into guys that didn’t want to get married or have kids. Even though, I’ve always wanted to get married and have kids. The last one, the third one was with my now husband. We were together about a year and a half. I met him right before I had about a year, and it was the healthiest relationship I had ever had. We did a book club together, we would go to meetings together. We’d have these super deep talks about spirituality and all that stuff. It was when I was coming into my own in sobriety, where I finally was comfortable. I finally had this group of friends. The fellowship came pretty slowly for me just because I was more focused on relationships, so I finally had this group of friends.

    Kendra Allen:

    We were together about a year and a half, but he was always very not sure if he ever wanted to get married, but he was up front with me about it, but I was, “That’ll change.” He broke up with me after a year and a half, and it destroyed me. I think I had two and a half years sober at the time, and I thought I was going to die from the pain. That was the break up of all break ups. I had done break ups before where I kept in touch with them and tried to stay friends, set the ego aside to appease the other person. I said, “If we’re going to break up, we’re not going to be friends.” He always respected that boundary. He never reached out to me.

    Kendra Allen:

    We cut ties. It was the first clean break up I had ever had-

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    No social med-

    Kendra Allen:

    No, I lived on social media, but we unfollowed on social media, and then I used my friends’ accounts to look. But, I dove into program. My sponsor took me through the 12 Steps on him. I went through all 12 Steps on him. I did 90 meetings in 90 days. I literally would call women that I knew had gone through a divorce or a break up and ask them to go to coffee, even if I didn’t know them. It was like I got sober.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Yep, yep. Because, you did.

    Kendra Allen:

    Yes.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Because, you did. My husband, same thing. We broke up. I broke up with him. The only time I’ve ever lost weight from a break up. That doesn’t happen for me.

    Kendra Allen:

    No, never happens for me.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Because I was so long sober and I remember thinking, “Maybe I should cut myself? Okay, I can’t do that. I should smoke. Don’t want to do that.” I literally was consciously thinking through the different things I could do. I realized I had never in all that time sober … I was years sober … I had never just sat in the pain from start to finish. I had always had something. I remember thinking I’m going to reach out to people to hook up, blah, blah, blah. Couldn’t do it. Couldn’t do it. It was the first time, and that was real sobriety because there’s nothing to pick up and I had to go through the pain and the emotions, and for the first time, I went through the emotion from the start of it to the end of it because I had never …

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    The reason, my using for me personally had always been about making whatever that discomfort was stop. So, I only got to the middle before I stopped it so I didn’t know how long it was going to be. I didn’t know it ended. That was the first time I really went from the start of the feeling to the end of the feeling from every cell in my body feeling like I was going to die, sitting on my bed, screaming into pillows until I literally just couldn’t scream anymore. Friends coming over, making me get out of bed. But like you described, I was going to meetings all the time. That was the only thing I could do, and so I got sober. I wasn’t drinking but I definitely got sober.

    Kendra Allen:

    Yeah, that’s such a beautiful way to put it because I had this similar experience because I did try a one night stand, and it didn’t work.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Oh, I tried.

    Kendra Allen:

    Oh, okay.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Oh, don’t worry. I tried. I burst into tears mid. It was mortifying.

    Kendra Allen:

    Nice.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    With someone in the program. Mortifying. I was like, “And, we’re not doing that again.” I tried, it didn’t work. Couldn’t make it work.

    Kendra Allen:

    The second the person left, I immediately started crying and I was like, “Oh my gosh, it doesn’t work.” Yeah, but I had that same experience. I had never gone through a break up. I had always gone around, over, under, so that was the first time that I did that, and I did, I fully got sober again and it was the first time I was super honest after a break up and I told everyone about it reasonably, and I did, I got through to the other side. I took so many suggestions. I did so many random writing assignments-

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Because, you don’t want to be in pain.

    Kendra Allen:

    I don’t want to be in pain. I was like, “Literally, give me anything.”

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Because you’ve been sober long enough that you are like, “No, no, no, no, we’re not going back.” That panic, it’s sheer panic, and you’re like, “Okay.” You’ve had the experience, because you were long enough sober, you’ve had the experience that taking people’s suggestions works so you just go balls to the walls.

    Kendra Allen:

    I did. I went balls to the wall and literally … This is still my style. It’s my biggest thing I’m working on this year is my crash and burn, where I go, go, go, go, go and I was doing that during the break up. I had plans [crosstalk 01:22:39] every weekend, every night. I joined four volunteer committees. The American Cancer Society, I was planning their gala. Literally, I just became a Yes person and I just was constantly busy. I remember I got out of my-

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    And, that’s how Barack Obama became president.

    Kendra Allen:

    Through the break up recovery. I remember I got out of my Sunday morning meeting and I was supposed to meet my parents for church, and then I was going to go to my sponsor’s house for a party, and then I had a date that I had met on Bumble. I was so tired. Someone came up and was like, “How are you doing, kiddo?” I just burst into tears. She’s like, “Okay.” So, I went home and I watched Netflix for eight hours. I called my parents and I was like, “I can’t. I can’t go to church with you.” I called the date, canceled it. I tried so hard to distract myself from the pain that I would often forget to sit with it, too. So, it became this trick of … And, I talk a lot about that in the course, finding this balance of distracting yourself enough where you can live your daily life and go to work and not burst into tears at the grocery store, and those kinds of things, but also you got to feel it, too.

    Kendra Allen:

    Because, if you don’t feel it, you can’t learn from it, and I think that’s typically why people get into that cycle of constantly breaking up, getting back together. Or, they either date the exact same person again without learning from it, or they go to the exact opposite because they think that’ll be better. So, I realized I have to feel it because I have to figure out what I liked about Luke so I could take that forward, which is something I had never done. I had never processed a relationship for real, so I did that. But, it was definitely a learning curve. I stayed single for I think eight or nine months, and I had these realizations I kept going after emotionally unavailable men because I didn’t feel worthy of being with someone who really wanted to be with me.

    Kendra Allen:

    Those were all beliefs that I’d had leading up and that Rick reinforced for me, so I had all these beliefs about myself. I had to at least uncover those and just see them for what they were so that way I could work on not doing that stuff. I think I grew more in that nine months than I grew in my first two years of sobriety.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    For sure. And then, how did you guys get back together?

    Kendra Allen:

    So, I started dating a new guy in the program. Super nice guy, just wasn’t for me. He just wasn’t a great boyfriend. I was with this guy for nine months. I had gone home to meet his family, so it was getting relatively serious and I hadn’t seen Luke at all. We didn’t talk, we didn’t see each other. And, we had this wedding of a mutual friend. It was the first time we knew we were going to see each other. It’s actually so funny. The week before, we ran into each other at the fair and it was the most awkward interaction ever, but he wasn’t sure he wanted to go to the wedding, and I thought our fair interaction went really well so he felt good about going to the wedding.

    Kendra Allen:

    So, the guy I was with couldn’t go to this wedding, so I went by myself and Luke was there by himself. I had decided beforehand that I was going to make amends to Luke at the wedding. Just, “I’m sorry I didn’t let you own your truth. I’m sorry I tried to turn you into something that you weren’t, and I’m really grateful for the time we had and I don’t have any hard feelings.” I did those amends to him and we talked a tiny bit, but you could tell that he didn’t want to directly talk to me. He would talk to me if we were in a group. So, I definitely had some crazy feelings that came up after seeing him, and then three weeks later, I was at work and I got an email from him saying, “Hey, I have something I really want to talk to you about. Would you be open to getting coffee?”

    Kendra Allen:

    My first thought was he wanted to make amends because I had made them to him, and he didn’t do that to me, so in program, I was like he must be wanting to make an amends. I even told my boyfriend at the time, I was like, “Hey, I think …” And, it’s so interesting I asked him because he recently had one of his ex-girlfriend’s make amends to him so I felt okay asking because he had just done it. I was like, “Hey, I think my ex wants to make amends. I’m going to get coffee.” The next day, we get coffee and we’re in Irvine at a Starbucks, and we start doing this small talk but I can tell from the beginning he’s very lively and asking about my parents. He had this envelope sitting on the table with the letter K on it, which he used to call me K, and finally I was like, “Okay, what’s up?”

    Kendra Allen:

    He ends up just walking me through his whole process that he had gone through in the last year and a half. He had never really been single. He had been in long term relationships since he got out of high school, so how he really took the time to be single and go on a ton of hikes and read a bunch of books, and he went to therapy and all this stuff, and how he realized he does want to have kids and he does want to get married, and when he saw me at the wedding, he realized I was the one that he was supposed to married. This long profession.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    He tells you this at coffee? That you’re the one he’s supposed to marry?

    Kendra Allen:

    He literally said, “I would marry you tomorrow.” And, I’m crying. I’m so mad. Why now? All this stuff. He tells me all this and then he has me read this letter. It’s nice paper he typed. The pages are numbered.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    APA format.

    Kendra Allen:

    He signed the end of it.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Keep that forever.

    Kendra Allen:

    Oh, no. I have it. We had it in our wedding photos. The first thing I say is, “I think I’m going to throw up.” Because, I’m so-

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Or, pass out.

    Kendra Allen:

    I just was beside myself.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Oh, yeah. It’s a rom-com honestly. I’m having rom-com feelings.

    Kendra Allen:

    Yeah, and I was like, “I’m with someone.” The, he pulls out this picture of us at Coachella and he’s like, “Does he make you feel like this?”

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    This is legitimately a rom-com.

    Kendra Allen:

    He pulled out all this stuff, and he’s definitely not a flashy romantic person, so for all of this to be coming from him is a lot.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    You were like, “Someone pinch me.”

    Kendra Allen:

    Yeah, so I kept saying, “I have to go.” He’s like, “You’ve said that 12 times.” And, I was like, “I have to go.” He leaves me with this letter. We leave. He sends me this text and I was like I need-

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Were you like, “Yes.”

    Kendra Allen:

    No.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    No? You just said, “I want to throw up.”

    Kendra Allen:

    I just said, “I want to throw up.” I said, “Why now?” I said, “I’m with someone.”

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Does he make you feel like this photo at Coachella?

    Kendra Allen:

    I said, “I have to go,” and I said, “I don’t know if you’re going to hear from me.” And, then I left. Then, I literally group conference called my sponsor, my sponsee sister. I had four people on the phone at a time because I needed to give them this run down [crosstalk 01:29:55]. I immediately took pictures of the letter and started texting it out to people. So, luckily he wrote that letter because everyone at first was like, “Heck, no. That guy crushed you.” But I was like, “You got to read this.”

    Kendra Allen:

    Luckily, I was going to a bachelorette party the next day for a girl in the program, so I go. I’m trying the hardest not to take over the bachelorette party I’m telling you about. One of the girls in the bachelorette party was friends with my current boyfriend, so I’m like, “I know this is weird for you, but I have to tell you what’s going on.” Basically-

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Did you tell your boyfriend anything?

    Kendra Allen:

    No, I said he made amends, which he did but it was plus. Amends plus.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Yeah, amends plus.

    Kendra Allen:

    But, I think one of the coolest things that I’ve noticed in sobriety is when I’m working a program, I don’t feel like I’ve ever had to make a really hard decision. I always feel like the decisions almost made for me from a connection with a higher power. That’s what my sponsor always reminds me of is when we get sober, we get our intuition back. So, I really don’t feel like I’ve ever had to make a really hard decision in sobriety, and so by Saturday, I had made up my mind and then I waited 24 hours because I was instructed. That’s AA in my head. I waited until the next day, drove home from Palm Springs, drove over to the boyfriend’s house, broke up with him and my sponsor made me promise her that I would call her first before I called Luke. I called her, called my parents and then I called Luke.

    Kendra Allen:

    We met at a park in Irvine. Irvine, a love story.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Yeah, I am literally never to not think about that.

    Kendra Allen:

    So, we met at this park in Irvine and literally had this moment where we ran out of each other’s car and jumped up in a hug, and all this stuff, so it was definitely this movie moment.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Had sex in a park.

    Kendra Allen:

    Did not do that. I told him, I was like, “You have to wait 30 days.” We lasted three, but I at least needed to put out the intention.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    3, 30. Yeah. He had a little math issue.

    Kendra Allen:

    I forgot the zero.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Yeah, it’s not a big deal.

    Kendra Allen:

    I was like, “You have to court me. We’re not going to have sex for 30 days.”

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    You’re going to have to stay three feet away at all times just to prove.

    Kendra Allen:

    I had all these stipulations, but-

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    You have to write an essay.

    Kendra Allen:

    I want you to write an essay about what you did wrong to hurt me. But, it became very evident that he was very changed. We both changed, and I think what you said about you and your husband, we would not have been together and I know that we would not have been able to get back together if we hadn’t had a clean break up because break ups can get so toxic and the name calling and all that stuff. If that happened, I don’t think we would have been able to get back together, and I always like to give this disclaimer because every time I tell this story, someone’s like, “This gives me hope,” which I’m sure you get, too. I’m like, “Oh, no, no, no. I think-

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    No, you have to go into it going, “That was it. That was it.” You have to let it 100% go or-

    Kendra Allen:

    And, you know what’s interesting? When we broke up, he told me that he always thought we might get back together, but I’m so grateful he never told me that because some of my friends were like, “What if he’s not making amends to you?” Honestly, my second and third thought was he was going to tell me he was gay or that he was sick. The last thought was that he was going to say … One of my friends was like, “What if he tells you he’s in love with you?” I’m like, “There’s no way.” It was that far. I had to fully go through-

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    I’m sure he loves this.

    Kendra Allen:

    “I thought you were going to tell me you were gay or sick.” What? Literally, a couple of my friends we had this talk about it. So yeah, I always have to tell people that’s not … It’s very much the exception to the rule. The rule typically is that you don’t get back together with your ex. I have a lot of people because I run my Instagram page so I get DM’s from people all the time and they’re like, “I’ve been broken up with my ex for a couple weeks. They want to get back together.” I’m like, “Do you think anything has changed in two weeks?”

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    No, definitely not.

    Kendra Allen:

    It took us 15 months to do our own thing and be able to go through that, and I’m so glad we did, but I don’t know if you had this experience with your husband, but I had changed so much that we almost had to get reacquainted where I had a voice all of a sudden and things that didn’t bother me about him, or didn’t bother me in general all of a sudden I was able to voice that something bothered me, so we had to get reacquainted and he had to get used to this Kendra that could stand up for herself and knew her worth because I learned all that stuff going through the break up. Some of that wasn’t all easy.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    We had that in the other direction, though. With him, I was like, “Wait, what? You have an opinion?” No, we had that in the other direction and there was a lot of I think my same thought process was I was just hoping that some day he would not be mad at me. My best hope for that situation was that he would understand where I was coming from some day and not hate me. Never that we were going to get back together. I didn’t think he was every going to speak to me again. Truly, did not think. So, to get back together under those circumstances with those changes, we had to relearn how to … relearn who each other was and the new rules of engagement, and then figure out how we were going to work through things because another thing that happened, which sounds like it did with you, was that it was so tumultuous, we were such hot messes when we broke up with each other friends, friend groups, that our friends and our parents were like, “You’re what?”

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    “I’m sorry, you’re doing what?” I’m like, “Oh, yeah. We’re getting back together.” That was not exactly … And, Dac didn’t write me a pretty letter, so I didn’t have anything to show for it. I was just like, “No, take my word for it.” I think it was really showing our family and friends that things had actually changed, respecting each other and for us, it was about utilizing … We got outside help when things would get really complicated, and we found that to be really helpful. So, him being willing, me being willing to say, “Okay, we need a third person to help talk this piece through because we are clearly not understanding each other.”

    Kendra Allen:

    Yeah. No, and we had that same situation with family and friends, and going back to program principles, Luke sat down with my dad and made amends to my dad for the pain that he caused the family. I think, again, it goes back to early sobriety of we had to prove through actions that we were going to be able to make it work. I remember my mom telling me, “You don’t know if you’re going to end up marrying Luke, but you’ll kick yourself if you don’t find out, if it will work.” So, we just had to prove. We had to just show through actions to each other, too, because it was almost like being a new relationship.

    Kendra Allen:

    I remember I had to let go of the thought that people were, “Weren’t you just with someone and now you’re back with him?” Then, I was like what if people don’t know we were together before? Because, we got engaged six months after we got back together.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    That’s what I was going to ask you.

    Kendra Allen:

    Yeah, so we got engaged six months later so I’m like, “People are going to think we’re moving so fast.” Just learning to let go of that people-pleasing and I think my happiness in the relationship should be able to speak for itself, and anyone that knows Luke and I knows that we are meant to be together and I wasn’t meant to be with that other person. It was definitely a weird time.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Yeah, we got back together after five months, not 15, and we got back together September 7th, and we had had ugly break ups, and we had had several. We didn’t tell anybody that we were getting back together because we didn’t want to deal with that, and then we signed an 18 month lease on October 1st.

    Kendra Allen:

    So good.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    I told my parents. I was like, “Look, I don’t want to hear it. I know exactly what you’re going to say. Don’t need to hear it.” He didn’t tell anyone, and the friend of his that helped him move out of our apartment, he was his boss at work. Dac hadn’t told anyone and then in order to get this house, he had to call his work to verify his employment, so the landlord calls his work to verify his employment and is like, “Oh yeah, Ashley and blah, blah, blah are getting a house. I just want to make sure that this is where Dac says he works.” That’s how they found out.

    Kendra Allen:

    He’s like, “This is where Dac works, but …”

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Exactly, so it was this whole same thing. We had to really prove that this was a different deal.

    Kendra Allen:

    Yeah, and I think, too, then being with Luke this time I’d say is definitely my only healthy relationship that I’ve experienced, so then it was looking at so many other things. I started going to Al-Anon about a year and a half ago and it’s been the biggest lifesaver but just learning about boundaries and learning … I went from being someone who put up with anything in a relationship to then all of a sudden picking at everything in a relationship, which I think alcoholics do in general. We go from one extreme to the other, so learning how to coexist in a relationship with another person long term, it’s definitely a thing that I work at a lot and am so glad to have another set of 12 Steps to go through for it.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Don’t even get me started. I’m going to end up in every single program by the time my life is over.

    Kendra Allen:

    I feel like at some point, yeah.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    What did Al-Anon do for you? Or, what has Al-Anon done for you? I don’t think a lot of people know.

    Kendra Allen:

    Yeah, so I initially went to Al-Anon to help in my marriage and also to help with my relationship with my mom. My mom and I have sat in therapy sessions through this, but we switched roles after I got sober. I used to be the one that called and dumped everything on her, and as part of my living amends to her, I called her every single day, asked her how she was doing and it switched where I felt I was almost becoming her mom. I was her counselor for everything, her therapist for everything. I helped her work through all of her issues, and it started to really not feel good and I didn’t know quite how to address that and change that.

    Kendra Allen:

    Al-Anon for me, I think, one taught me what is my business and what’s not my business, which most everything is not my business I’ve come to learn. And, learning how to … because I thought because I hadn’t expressed my needs for so long, I felt like the second they came out of my mouth, they better be met because don’t you know I’ve never had needs before so now’s my turn to get what I want, so learning how to express them and then let go of the results after I do that, and then learning about how I can love people from more of a distance and how to identify when something makes me feel good and when it makes me feel bad, and learning how to step away from those things. It’s really just a boundary thing.

    Kendra Allen:

    One thing that came out of it was I was always everyone’s secret keeper, especially in the family. People would be like, “This is going on. Don’t tell your parents.” Then, I would have to sit with other people’s secrets. So, just learning how to be like, “Actually, if I’m not going to tell anyone I don’t need to hear that.” And, just learning how to say those kinds of things in a way that-

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Is loving.

    Kendra Allen:

    … is loving.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Yeah, it doesn’t put people off. It’s a huge thing, I think, as we get sober, as we get well, people gravitate and then they want what you have, and then that stuff, you have to learn how to … What’s the word? You have to learn how to navigate all of the stuff that comes out of that, the role changes and what happens when you get healthy, because definitely people change around you and people change how they react to you.

    Kendra Allen:

    Yeah, and then learning how to not take over when someone needs help. Just saying, “Hey, you can meet me at a meeting, but I don’t need to go over to your house and pull you out of your house and do all that.” Really learning the fact of … I used to get involved in things, and then I would end up looking like the bad guy, and I just had this victim mentality of “I’m trying to help. Don’t they know?” Then, it was really taking it back to we find that we stepped on the toes of our fellows and they retaliated. It’s really learning how to do that.

    Kendra Allen:

    Al-Anon has helped me tremendously with my AA sponsees. I used to drop everything to take a call and really felt like I had to be everything to them, and just learning, “Nope, I help where I can. I offer what I can when I can and that’s okay.”

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Yeah, learning to have good boundaries, and boundaries are hard. Boundaries are really hard, especially with people that you love and when you think that … One thing I’ve struggled with, which the principles of Al-Anon have helped was just what you talked about, which was there’d be a crisis and there’d be five people that could help but I would step in and be the one … I wouldn’t give other people the opportunity to be the helper because I had the solution or I could help, or whatever it was, and learning that just because I can doesn’t mean I have to every time, and how to guard my energy. Stay away from energy vampires and to guard my energy because if I don’t have it, then I revert back to that person who has to use something to feel okay.

    Kendra Allen:

    That’s a huge thing, and filling my cup up first before I can help anyone else out. I used to love being around the energy vampires. I used to almost like it because I think at one point, I loved the feeling of people needing me because that’s the only way I didn’t feel like I was a burden. I had to learn I’m okay just as I am and I don’t need to work really hard to feel accepted, which I felt like that for a long time. I had to break that belief, too, where I realized I don’t have to be … I would always be the friend that planned everything and paid for stuff. I just had to learn I don’t have to do that. I can be a guest at something and just show you and be okay.

    Kendra Allen:

    I try to always be of service but I don’t need to be the person that’s coordinating everything. And then, too, breaking the habit of my family always feeling like I was the planner. I don’t want to do that anymore because it’s not fun for me. I don’t enjoy vacations if I’m always the one that’s trying to rally the troops and figure out the plan and do the itinerary. It’s been a big learning experience, and when I first got into Al-Anon I felt like a newcomer again. Everything just felt so foreign where I had to call a sponsor for everything, just like in the beginning of sobriety where I didn’t know how to handle a conversation with my mom or with my husband.

    Kendra Allen:

    So, it’s been a good next layer of sobriety for me, which I think we always need to be continuously building on our sobriety, and that’s what keeps me super engaged in meetings and allows me to continue to work towards something.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Yeah, that’s awesome. How long have you guys been married now?

    Kendra Allen:

    A year and a half almost.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Awesome.

    Kendra Allen:

    Yeah, a year and a half this month.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Okay, and what does your husband think of Breakup Bestie?

    Kendra Allen:

    He’s actually the one that-

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Said to do it?

    Kendra Allen:

    Yeah. I was going through this job transition probably about four years ago, and he asked me, he goes, “What do you really like doing?” What happened because I was so open about my break up and was literally sobbing in meetings during the break up, I had people come to me and ask, “Hey, can you help me? I heard you went through the steps on a break up. Can you show me how to do that?” I was helping a lot of people in that regard, and he asked me what I loved doing, and I said that’s honestly what I love doing. I love helping women through break ups.

    Kendra Allen:

    So, that’s kind of where it started. He’s always been number one supporter with that, which is so awesome especially because I have to talk about our break up a lot and what he did.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Totally.

    Kendra Allen:

    We did a little party for my online course, and my first shout out was, “Shout out to Luke for dumping me, for having this. Thank you for your contribution to this.”

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Thank you for always supporting me, by dumping me and-

    Kendra Allen:

    Yeah, and giving me tons of material to write about. No, he’s incredibly supportive and he also has that entrepreneurial part about him. Yeah, he’s really supportive, which I’m really lucky. I launched the blog originally a month before we got married, so it’s interesting to be in a marriage and then also be writing a lot about break ups and stuff like that, too.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Yeah, for sure. How many weeks is the course and-

    Kendra Allen:

    It’s self-paced. It’s four modules. The first one, I call it Triage, and it’s really just about figuring out ways to get you to work and get you to be able to function. Then, there’s a whole detox module. There’s a full checklist of things I suggest people to do. And then, there’s a full processing one, so it’s a lot of questions. What’s really cool is I was able to take a lot of this stuff that I learned, because I feel so lucky that I had program to go through the breakup and so few people don’t have a program at all, they don’t have tools. So, I was able to take some of that inspiration from program and turn it into something people who aren’t alcoholics can do, which I think everyone would benefit from the 12 Steps, but being able to take a spin off of it.

    Kendra Allen:

    I do have people write down their part and their resentments towards their ex, and have them really look at that. Then, the last section is moving forward where I have them forgive every single ex that they’ve ever had just to let go, and then do some manifestation exercises on what they want and what they want to move forward with.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Like sane and sound ideals type stuff?

    Kendra Allen:

    Yeah. I tell people, “Don’t move on if you don’t feel ready,” but I think the first two are really important to do in the beginning just because it’s this is emergency, have to get out of that pain.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Yeah, to move forward. Have you had feedback? Have you had people who have found it online and just done, who know nothing about anything?

    Kendra Allen:

    So, just because we just started, I haven’t had anyone complete the course yet except for my mom.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Yay.

    Kendra Allen:

    She did it in one night.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    You’re like, “Mom.”

    Kendra Allen:

    She was like, “I haven’t gone through a breakup in 40 years but …” But, I’ve been able to go through … I did a couple live events so I’ve had people go through sections of it.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Like a workshop?

    Kendra Allen:

    Like a workshop, yeah. I got a lot of really good feedback from that, which is really nice. What’s cool is some of the workshops that I did, I just called it a Relationship Energy Clearing, so people that were married came and were finally able to let go of an ex that was working their way into a current relationship just from past beliefs and resentments. So, I have gotten a lot of good feedback, and through Instagram, I’ve had so many opportunities to connect with people going through breakups and get small little pieces of their story and offer help where I can.

    Kendra Allen:

    So, it’s very fulfilling for me, which is good because right now I still work full-time during the day, but I feel like I always have the energy to put towards that which is really cool.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Because, it’s your passion. Awesome. Well, thank you so much for coming and I’m so excited to see what happens with Breakup Bestie. Can you tell people where they can find all the information?

    Kendra Allen:

    Yeah, so the course they can find on my website, which is www.BreakupBestie.com, and then on Instagram, it’s @YourBreakUpBestie. I pretty much respond to every DM and email, so if people ever want advice they can always reach out to me on there.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Awesome. I have someone to send you.

    Kendra Allen:

    Oh, good.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Thank you.

    Kendra Allen:

    Or, not good.

    Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

    Or, not good. Awesome. Thank you so much.

    Kendra Allen:

    Thank you for having me.

    Speaker 3:

    This podcast is sponsored by Lionrock Recovery. Lionrock provides online substance abuse counseling where clients can get help from the privacy of their own home. They’re accredited by the Joint Commission and sessions are private, affordable and user-friendly. Call their free helpline at 800-258-6550 or visit www.LionrockRecovery.com for more information.