#104 – Keith Smith

Keith’s Story

Keith Smith is the host of an LGBTQIA+ support group. While he doesn’t believe in labels, he identifies as gay. His story is both heartbreaking and beautiful at the same time. He covers the difficult topics of childhood trauma, struggling with his sexuality, mental health, and being in recovery in the LGBTQIA+ community. 

Hailing from the Bahamas, Keith Smith likes to think of himself as a citizen of the world. His smile, charisma, and energy are contagious. But as a child, Keith experienced a point in time where he lost his smile. 

From the age of 8 to 12, Keith was molested by his cousin. Eventually, he turned to alcohol as a way to numb his feelings. One day, after experiencing an anxiety attack while walking through a grocery store, Keith realized he needed to get help. He enrolled in a treatment program and embarked on a journey of learning to love himself – a journey that helped him find his smile again. 

Keith now serves as a CommUnity Facilitator for Lionrock Recovery and is proud to host the LGBTQIA CommUnity Meeting on Lionrock.life. Keith believes that obstacles are only an opportunity to move towards greatness!

Episode Resources

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Episode Transcript

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

Coming up on this episode of The Courage to Change.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

Do you think that the fact that it was two males interacting sexually had a part to play in why you were afraid of it coming out?

Keith Smith:

Yeah. Because I was raised in the ’90s, and there was two different factors. There’s two males and we’re family, so that’s molestation and that’s homosexuality. That’s totally two different issues. For that to come out like that was going to be a thing to blow up in the community.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

Hello, beautiful people. Welcome to The Courage to Change, a recovery podcast. My name is Ashley Loeb Blassingame, and I am your host. If you’re here for the first time, welcome. If you’re returning, welcome back. Today, we have Keith Smith. So Keith hails from the Bahamas. He likes to think of himself as a citizen of the world. His smile, charisma, and energy are contagious, but as a child, Keith experienced a point in time where he lost his smile. From the age of 8 to 12, Keith was molested by his cousin. Eventually he turned to alcohol as a way to numb his feelings. One day, after experiencing an anxiety attack while walking through a grocery store, Keith realized he needed to get help. He enrolled in a treatment program and embarked on a journey of learning to love himself, a journey that helped him find his smile again. Keith now serves as a community facilitator for Lion Rock Recovery, and is proud to host the LGBTQIA+ community meeting on LionRock.life.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

Keith believes that obstacles are only an opportunity to move towards greatness. I just got done recording with Keith, and he was such a joy. We had such a fun time. It’s so fun to do episodes with people you just kind of riff with, and that was what we had. We had a really great time. And Keith, it’s Pride Month and he talks about the complexity. The thing about molestation as a child, and I mention this in the episode, is that when your first sexual experience is one that is confusing, it often leads people to struggle with identity later on in life. Whether they end up being straight, gay, or anything in between. Keith talks about that and he talks about the way that alcohol played a role in helping him through this journey, but then how it turns on him. He has a moment where he really gets in touch with his feelings around that.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

You can feel him transported back to that bottom, back to that moment. It’s really, really powerful. And it’s so cool to hear about what he’s doing as a community facilitator and the support that that particular support program is bringing him and the growth that it’s allowed him to have. He starts out in 12 step and migrates over to community, which is a support group that we created that is more open for people recovering from anything, and he talks about how that has helped him. Just a really, really cool thing to hear about for me, having been at the start of that and seeing that it is changing people’s lives. So freaking cool. So happy Pride Month. I hope you enjoy this episode. Keith is just a hoot. Go check him out on Thursdays and Fridays on the Lionrock.life platform, the LGBTQIA community meeting. All right. Episode 104. I was going to try to do a Caribbean accent because Keith is from the Caribbean. And I’m really glad I didn’t try that. Okay. Episode 104. Let’s do this.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

You are listening to The Courage to Change, a recovery podcast. We’re a community of recovering people who have overcome the odds and found the courage to change. Each week, we share stories of recovery from substance abuse, eating disorders, grief and loss, childhood trauma, and other life-changing experiences. Come join us no matter where you are on your recovery journey.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

Keith, welcome to the podcast. I’m so excited to have you. I know you’re nervous. Deep breaths, deep breaths, all good in the hood. You’re in The Bahamas, so isn’t everything supposed to be cool, calm, and collected?

Keith Smith:

Yes, it is. And I am cool. This is my cool, calm, collected face.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

I like it. I like it. I’m pretending I’m in The Bahamas, which is not working very well, because I’m in an office. So there’s that. Keith, well, thank you for coming. I’m so, so excited to have you here. We are starting off season three with a quote unquote bad haircut pic, but everybody keeps sending me these pictures, I’m like, “I don’t know, that’s not bad.” But I have this haircut pick or hairstyle picture of you, and you have the blonde Party Time, Excellent going on. Tell me about what’s going on. Because you don’t have hair on your head anymore, but at this time you did. So tell me about this picture that I’m looking at. People can go and find it on our Instagram, The Courage to Change.

Keith Smith:

Well, that picture, I think I was 22 at the time, I lived in Denver, and was having the best time of my life. And here was to me at that time was thoughts of freedom, of how I can just be myself with no judgment and don’t even care what anybody thinks. So it’s like, “Why shouldn’t I go blonde? I should just do it.” And I did it. I did it for a year and I loved it.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

Why’d you stop?

Keith Smith:

I don’t know. Maybe because the blonde started pulling my hair out [crosstalk 00:06:49].

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

I do know. I know all about that. Well, I love it. Okay. So tell me your life. Did you grow up in The Bahamas?

Keith Smith:

Yes, I did. I did. Born and raised here, on the Island called Grand Bahama.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

But you left to go to Denver?

Keith Smith:

Yes. Where I attended… Well, not Denver, Boulder.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

Well, okay. Where you went to college, you went there for college. Okay. That makes sense. I was like, “Who leaves The Bahamas?” So you grew up in the Caribbean, your parents were both pastors. So you probably grew up very involved in the church. What kind of denomination? I know, it was Christian. How would you describe the church that you grew up in?

Keith Smith:

It was very, if people know, it’s very Pentecostal Church of God. Believe in demons, believe you shouldn’t do certain things. If you’re going to do it, you’re going to burn in hell and a woman shouldn’t wear pants and women shouldn’t wear jewelry.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

Oh, wow.

Keith Smith:

Yeah, no pants.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

I guess that that’s doable in the Caribbean. Of course the women shouldn’t wear pants, you’re in the Caribbean. That’s doable. Right?

Keith Smith:

You shouldn’t wear pants, but you should wear a bathing suit.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

Yeah. Right. That makes total sense. I can’t imagine why those two things… Okay. And no jewelry? That I couldn’t live with.

Keith Smith:

Yeah. No jewelry. It was a part of the Pentecostal rules. No jewelry. They use that scripture, a woman should adorn herself. There’s a scripture where a woman should adorn herself. It was basically, you have to-

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

Doesn’t that mean she should wear jewelry?

Keith Smith:

Exactly, exactly. It was totally different. I felt like it was a mind control thing when it comes to denomination. So my view about God has totally changed from when I was a child growing up in my parents’ house.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

So they were both pastors in the same church, which means that women could be pastors, so that’s more progressive than many. So it’s interesting. It had some progressive measures and then some not. How many brothers or sisters did you have?

Keith Smith:

I have six brothers and two sisters. Well, now one sister. So my sister, I have a sister died last year.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

I’m sorry.

Keith Smith:

Yeah. Now I have one sister, and six wonderful brothers.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

So a small family. You come from just a…

Keith Smith:

Ashley, if we say it like that, yep, that’s a very small family.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

It’s a very small family. Just to a basketball team with some alternates on the bench. Okay. And are you close to your siblings? Were you close growing up?

Keith Smith:

Growing up we were close, but we didn’t have that intimacy relationship that we now have. Now we have this intimacy relationship. Growing up, we had a relationship, because we were siblings. And then we were taught about how your siblings should be your friends. Your cousins should be your friends, and that’s what made our relationship normal to us. So I have a relationship with my siblings, but I really didn’t know them. Now I know my siblings. I know them as friends. I know them as fathers. I know them as brothers.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

Yeah, yeah. It’s a totally different… So one of the big features that you grew up with, and that you’ve talked about is that at age eight, you were molested by a cousin who was… And you were molested from age 8 to 12. And this was something that you thought was normal, because why wouldn’t you, you didn’t know any different. Now, I hear this commentary a lot from people. Just generally, not necessarily even per se about molestation, although that too, but none of us know as little kids what’s normal and what’s not. Sometimes we can feel that something doesn’t feel right, but we don’t know if we don’t have any other experience. And in this case, when it’s a family member that you trust or someone that you’re supposed to trust, and then I’m sure that the Christianity piece of it, maybe there were opinions about what was going on that maybe were floating through your head. What can you tell me about this experience, because I know that it changed so much of the course of your life and your recovery. Has colored your recovery.

Keith Smith:

That experience was based my whole life about everything. That was the beginning of everything that I was about to go through in my life. That was the starting point. It was the starting point of ongoing things. At the time, like you said, you’re, you’re a child. You don’t know what’s going on. To you it’s normal. But as you get older, you realize this is wrong. And then not just that, if your family find out, the embarrassing factor, that will be tied to it. So you can’t speak about it, because not just that you came from a Christian home, I was Caribbean. And not just Caribbean. I’m black Caribbean. So those factors filtered in. What do you talk about and who do you talk to about it? Nobody’s talking about it.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

Two questions. How much older was the cousin, and what kinds of things made this different from, when you look back, different from two kids playing or experimenting to violation? Because I know a lot of people, they have this question. When they look back, they’re like, “Okay, well, was it… ” They try to make excuses for the person. So how did you look back and define those two things?

Keith Smith:

Because this is what I define it as. Him being older, he should have known better. Me being younger, he was in early teens. So he, in my mind, he probably was exploring his body, his situation, but him pushing it on me, I don’t know if that’s just a two kids thing, because it went on for years. And his development was more advanced than mine. So at some point, he should have known or thought, Hey, this is not okay. But where did you thought that, for you to stop? Yeah.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

I have childhood sexual abuse in my history, so you’re not alone in this, and going back and looking at it, same kind of deal. Someone I knew, neighbor, older. So I relate to having this conversation and the difficulty of it. So I appreciate you having it with me. A lot of the time, we don’t feel comfortable to stand up for ourselves and say no, and people who’ve never had this experience, or people who have, sometimes they blame the person for not saying anything. Like, “How did this go on for this many years and you didn’t stop them if you didn’t want them to do that?” And et cetera. What do you say to the people who don’t really understand how that works, how you can have something go on for a long period of time like that and not know how to say no?

Keith Smith:

Because all of us comes from a different tribe. And within that tribe, our background is different and that tribe teaches us something different. Your tribe can teach you how to be bold with your voice, be bold with what’s going on in your life and take it back. My tribe can teach me, we don’t talk about these things. We don’t say these things. Do you know the embarrassment that this thing holds? And for me as a child, I knew that my dad was a pastor. My mom was a missionary pastor, so I couldn’t say these things that this was going on in their home, and it was happening to me and what it was going to do to their image in the community.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

Right. So you’re protecting your parents.

Keith Smith:

Yeah. At the same time, my voice is being taken away from me. And this is what I would say to someone who doesn’t understand and say, “How did you allow this to go on for so long?” It’s because what I was taught. Now, I wasn’t taught this in this situation, but my pea brain that I have thought it applied to all situations. So you can say, how did you allow to go on? And well, I can say you wasn’t raised like I was. And this is the-

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

And how was that? What were the things that you were told that were going through your mind?

Keith Smith:

Certain things like… And then see, the cousin that this was happening to, this wasn’t a far cousin or second cousin. This was a first cousin. How do I, as a child, go to my mother and say, this is what happened, because my mother did not allow this relationship to be an open relationship where a child can come and talk to her. The relationship with such strong, Christian Bible thumpers. I call it that, they still believe in God, and he fixes everything. And if something is going on with my child, God will fix it.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

Do you think that the fact that it was two males interacting sexually had a part to play in why you were afraid of it coming out?

Keith Smith:

Yeah. Yeah. I was raised in the ’90s, and there was two different factors. There’s two males and we’re family, so that’s molestation and that’s homosexuality. That’s totally two different issues. And for that to come out, that was going to be a thing to blow up in the community.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

Yeah. And you knew that early on, but then, so it does start to come out, right? This does end up coming out. Can you tell us a little bit about that?

Keith Smith:

It started to come out when it was happening to my little brother, he told a friend of his. One of my little brothers, and he told a friend of his, and that friend went to the counselor at school, and the counselor at school called social services, and social services then came to our house to talk to my mother. I would never forget that day. That day was, I don’t know. It just, I’d say turned everything upside down, because my mother was so angry and the way she reacted to all of this was what I thought an adult wouldn’t react to something like that.

Keith Smith:

An adult would want to know what’s going on. This was happening in my home to my children. And if it’s this one, there’s more that this is happening too. But she didn’t react like that. She was out of control, and she told the ladies, “No, this can’t be happening in my home. This don’t happen in my home. I’m Christian. I’m a God fearing woman and I raised my children like this and that young girl is lying.” And because who my parents were in the community, social services believed her.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

Yeah.

Keith Smith:

Yeah. They believed her. And they said, “Okay, just make sure that they’re okay.” And things like that. I will never forget, after they left, my mother never spoke about it anymore. I don’t even know if she spoke about it to my dad, because we never talked about it any. Nothing. I remember wondering, is someone going to talk about this? Are we going to talk about this? This is an opportunity right here for us to let this out.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

Did you talk to your brother about it?

Keith Smith:

No. No, but I remember feeling, but how could he do this? And when he’s doing it to me, so I’m not special.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

Right. That one piece of it. This is such an interesting thing, right? Which is, these things happen to us, and then there’s this one piece of it that we’re getting out of it, which is that we… They did a thing on this with Michael Jackson and the kids that he abused, where it was same kind of deal. They’re like, well, you feel special. Yes, you know it’s probably not right and not this, but at least you feel special. At least this person thinks that you’re special, even if it’s in this weird way. And then you find out, not only is this happening, but you’re not the only one. You’re not special. And so it takes it to this whole other woundedness, which, I feel like that’s the human condition. You want to find the silver lining, right? The silver lining is that, well, at least I’m really special in this scenario. But I can imagine that that was painful. What kind of conversations did you have with your cousin? Did it ever come up?

Keith Smith:

Him and I never had conversations. They was just like, bam bam, did this. Okay, you can go out and play now. And as I got older, it was the same thing. But I remember as I got older, like I said, I thought I was special, but I found that I wasn’t. But then I remember going into teens and thinking that I don’t have to date anybody, because I have this person here who feels this way about me, because now I’m thinking that this is no longer a bad act. This can be love.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

Right. So skipping ahead a bit, from my understanding you’re part of the LGBTQIA community. How do you identify?

Keith Smith:

Yes. I don’t believe in labels, but if I do identify, I’m gay.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

Okay. Did you know that you were going to identify as something other than heterosexual at the time? Did any of that occur to you? How does that play into what we’re talking about?

Keith Smith:

That occurred to me as I grew into a teenager. It occurred to me, because I remember having my first girlfriend and I didn’t feel like that way about her. I was excited about going out on dates and stuff like that, and having my brothers around, but like, I remember looking at other people, like her friend. [crosstalk 00:22:17] had a boyfriend, and I’m like, “Okay, I like those jeans he’s wearing. He’s cute.” And I remember thinking, “Damn, am I bisexual? Because there was a disconnect there for me because I felt I didn’t have the choice to choose because what happened to me. So did this stem from this, or is this natural?

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

Right. How confusing.

Keith Smith:

Very confusing. I had a lot of fight coming and I wasn’t aware of it.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

I’ve worked with a lot of people of all genders who have been molested as their first sexual experience, and I want to just put out there that it’s particularly men who have been abused as young boys, by other men or boys as their first sexual experience. The sexuality piece is really difficult, and it doesn’t matter whether you turn out as homosexual or not, the straight men have as hard of a time with it as the homosexual men or anyone in between. And it’s something that’s really interesting. I don’t see it quite as much on the female side with this particular issue, and I think it’s important for people to understand and to hear from you. It doesn’t matter whether you’re straight or gay or anything in between. When your first sexual experience is something confusing, it confuses things throughout your life, and that’s normal.

Keith Smith:

Yeah, for sure. It confused the hell out of me. I remember even going through feeling this way once I was in college, and I blame the act, the molestation for it. And I’m like, why? Because, and I mean, this is natural, I felt being gay was a lonely life. Like you really can’t find nobody to connect with, and the community’s just based on sex and drugs, and that’s the only way we can connect, and people don’t see personality, because when they first meet you, they don’t see your personality “Hey, this is my pers… ” No. We’re visual creatures. So the first thing we see is your face, your body, and that’s how they form this connection with you. And I was going through a lot of things that I didn’t understand. So I was missing a lot.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

I grew up mostly in the San Francisco Bay area, and the first wedding I was ever in was a gay wedding. And so, as you’re saying, “It’s a lonely life, it’s boring.” I’m like, “Uh, you’ve never been to San Francisco, because it’s none of those things. Everybody’s having a great time.” But yeah, and also if you’re told that it’s a sin and that you’re going to burn in hell, nobody wants to burn anywhere. And so those types of things I’m sure are swirling around in your head. How did alcohol play into this story? I always say, we hired alcohol for a job, right? To do. I hired alcohol for a job to do. What job did you hire alcohol to do for you?

Keith Smith:

Alcohol first played into “You don’t do that. That’s a sin. You’ll go to hell if you become a drinker-“

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

Alcohol’s a sin?

Keith Smith:

Yeah, that was a sin.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

What are you supposed to do?

Keith Smith:

I don’t know, honestly, but I was about to find out, girl. I was like, “I’m finding out.” If they say “Don’t do this”, I’m going to do it. It’s about time a brother broke out.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

Oh, I love it. Oh man. I feel like it’s… Here’s the problem, right? I bet you can agree with me. At the point where everything I’m doing is a sin, I feel like there’s no way to redeem myself, so might as well go harden the paint, right? If we’re going to hell, I’m going to drive that bus. So at that point, it’s just a permission slip to go ham. So yeah. I get it.

Keith Smith:

Yeah. It was a permission slip to go ham, and I knew when I was going to go ham, I had the date on my calendar, this is an ID for college, and then I catch that flight and I hit down. I remember getting off a Continental… I don’t know if Continental still flies-

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

I think they merged with someone.

Keith Smith:

When I landed in Denver, I remember getting off the tarmac and I just kissed the ground. It’s like yes, freedom. I’m going to break out.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

That is hilarious. Also coming from the Caribbean to Denver as freedom is actually just a funny image. “Thank God I got out of the Caribbean, I’m in Denver.” Yeah. Sometimes you got to let that flag fly. So you get there, you get to Denver. How does that play out? Right. Because what’s funny is you’re black, Caribbean Pentecostal in a place where you’re in that community where you theoretically fit in, you fly to Colorado, get off the plane and you feel like you can be your true self.

Keith Smith:

Yeah.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

That’s an interesting thing, right? Because some people would say, how does that work out? Colorado’s a pretty white, straight-laced place. What happened for you there?

Keith Smith:

It was white straight laced. I was in Boulder. It was very white, straight laced. But see there, what people don’t understand, it holds a difference. First of all, my parents was not there.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

Right. Anything. Yeah.

Keith Smith:

Yeah. I didn’t have family members around watching your every move who could call and say, “Keith did this and Keith did that. We’re displeased.” And then your parents call and say, “Where were you?” So I didn’t have that around. I was like, this is freedom. So I got there, I got involved in different things, trying to find who I am. I got involved in being gothic and got involved in being the club kid.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

Oh my God. I need those pics.

Keith Smith:

I got involved in a lot of different things. I remember just spending four months being gothic, then I switched to being a club kid, going to Trax 2000 with the raves. I wanted to find who I was, and without these strings to pull me back in. I didn’t have that. So alcohol became the base for having fun [crosstalk 00:29:23]. It just started off as having fun. Well, it started from I was 16, but it wasn’t as serious until I hit Boulder. And then that’s when it started. I didn’t know that it was going to wake up something inside of me and then I was going to use it as a protection.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

Right. Because it doesn’t start out that way. It just starts out as just a big party. How did you make the shift from that this is just partying, normal college kind of deal to, oh God, I have a problem.

Keith Smith:

I made that shift when I realized that alcohol was causing me to be extremely emotional. I started off as the emotional drinker where I would just cry and drink, and I felt like nobody loved me.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

So were you the life of the party? There’s this guy, he’s just crying in the corner. I don’t know.

Keith Smith:

Nobody loved me. It started off like that. Like nobody loved me. And then it started off, why am I gay? Why do I find guys attractive? And it didn’t work like how I thought it was supposed to work. It became a true representation. Alcohol is different for different people. For me, it triggers stuff. And then I moved into depression, and I had to have either someplace where I was staying or living, I had to have alcohol hidden in the refrigerator, in the bathroom, underneath the cabinet, someplace in my vehicle. I had to have it someplace because in my mind, I couldn’t process anything without it. It made me that guy. Starting off to be that guy. It was getting me in so much trouble.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

Right. What kind of trouble?

Keith Smith:

It was getting me in trouble with myself. It was getting me in deep trouble with myself. I didn’t know it until it stopped manifesting itself.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

Stay tuned to hear more in just a moment.

Speaker 3:

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Speaker 3:

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Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

Did you, were you finding that you were getting… People talk about consequences of their drinking. Did you go to jail? Did you get a DUI? Were there consequences outside of yourself?

Keith Smith:

No, I was a careful drunk. I was a very careful drunk, because I was afraid. So I never got DUIs. My brothers then say I was in holding, but I say I was in jail. Okay, Ashley? I went to jail for one night. They say, “You were in holding, Keith.” I was in jail, buddy, I did it. But before that happened, because that happened later on in my life. But while I was drinking, I was always careful because I have a fear. I had a big fear, and this fear was that I was going to kill someone while I was drinking, and no offense to anybody who that has happened to, my heart goes out to them because I can’t even imagine. But that was one of my fears.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

Seems reasonable.

Keith Smith:

So I was I was extremely careful. I would drink mostly when I was at home. Mostly. And when I do drink when I’m out, there was another person who would be driving.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

I have a funny story for you. So I’m a couple of years sober, I live in an apartment by myself and I’m in my early twenties, and I decide one night, I’m going to drink. I’m going to drink again. But I know that drinking and driving will end up being a problem, and at the time Uber and all of that weren’t around. So I’m like, okay, well I got to figure out how do people do this? How do they drink and not drive and not get… So I start Googling how to drink and not drive. What are the legal limits? And I start looking into the legal limits based on how much you weigh and your gender. And it’s like a whole math problem. And so I’m looking it up, because I’m trying to figure out how to do this like a normal person.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

And I’m deep into the internet about how do you drink like a normal person and not kill people drunk driving. And it’s three hours later and I’m still like, “I don’t know, how many drinks can I have? Of what type of alcohol?” And I stop and I realize, the normal drinkers don’t spend three hours on the internet trying to figure out how to drink without driving [inaudible 00:35:57]. And I was like, “Oh my God, I have to stay sober. This is way too complicated.” And I didn’t drink. That was the end of that. So calm. I’m like, “I can’t relapse. This is way too complicated. I will definitely injure someone. I can’t do it.” So I relate to your feelings. Did you end up getting any kind of treatment when you did hit that? What was the turning point for you?

Keith Smith:

Well, I hit rock bottom many times, but I just [inaudible 00:36:28] [crosstalk 00:36:28].

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

Totally. Totally. Yeah. Let’s keep digging. Let’s keep digging.

Keith Smith:

That do not exist here.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

Exactly. Maybe if I close my eyes, it won’t be real.

Keith Smith:

Yeah. I hit rock bottom many times. The turning point for me, I knew there had to be a turning point, but I didn’t have that situation happen to me where it really hit me until about two years ago. Two to three years ago. It didn’t hit me. I got in an accident in one of my cousin’s car, burned the car down. It still didn’t hit me, but I knew that I need help, but I wasn’t ready for that help.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

Wait, wait. You got in a car accident and the car burned down. Were you like, “Oh no. I’m going to burn in this car. Not in hell.” That’s not something you hear everyday. I got in an accident. I burned the car down.

Keith Smith:

Yes. I hit and the car was on fire, but this is a drunk, I didn’t realize the car was on fire, so the police was like, “You got to get out the car! It’s on fire.” And I’m like, “Huh?”

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

Oh my God. Oh my God. There’s so many jokes about burning in hell, and I don’t know. Especially if it was a shitty car, there’s another joke about burning in some sort of hellish car. Anyway, moving on. So, okay. So you get in this car accident, but this does not…

Keith Smith:

That did not phase it.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

Yeah. The burning car, just another Tuesday. Okay. Moving on. What happens next?

Keith Smith:

Got in a fight with my cousin for that. He pushed me down the stairs. I got this big gash in my head. It still didn’t phase me, but then I lost my 10th job to alcohol, and my cousin lied on me and I ended up in jail. My brothers then say holding, but I say jail.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

There were bars. I wasn’t allowed to leave. It’s jail. Okay.

Keith Smith:

I ended up in jail. I ended up in a place that I’ve never been before in my life. And that was one of my biggest fears. I ended up in court the very next day. And I remember seeing everybody I know, and my family was there.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

God. It’s like a school recital. Everybody showed up.

Keith Smith:

Everybody showed up. I remember feeling so traumatized from it. Not the people. Feeling traumatized of being in the cell, and feeling that I’ve lost my freedom. Not freedom being out in the world, freedom of who I get to live my life as. That’s what the bars reminded me of. I don’t get to be whoever Keith is. I won’t get that if I’m behind bars. I remember after the court being over, I was just shaking because that has one, never happened to me before. Two, I ended up someplace where I did not want to be. And three, how did I allow my life to get to this point? That was the rock bottom I needed, Ashley.

Keith Smith:

Sorry.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

Don’t be sorry.

Keith Smith:

That took the life out of me. The worst thing is, I didn’t know what I was going to do. I didn’t know how I was going to get over this. I didn’t know how I was going to find out and who was going to help me. I always knew that I needed help, but I didn’t know what avenue I was going to find it. As smart as I thought I was, or as educated. This has nothing to do with education.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

Nope.

Keith Smith:

Nothing at all. So you can have all the degrees, the Masters, hold all the top positions. This has nothing to do with it. And I didn’t know how I was going to get over this wall. And alcohol was not going to be the go-to, because it was going to only make it worse. That was my rock bottom, because now my body physically, I would break down crying and I didn’t know how to stop my body. I didn’t know how to control it. And the anxiety would just hit at any time, any place. I’m 6’1″, and I was in the grocery store with my cousin and she’s about 5’5″. I’ll give her 5’5″. I remember us in the grocery store shopping, and I just had one simple thought, and that triggered the anxiety. I just broke down in the grocery store. And I remember my cousin trying to reach up [inaudible 00:41:48].

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

Comfort you. Comfort you from below the altitude.

Keith Smith:

And I’m [inaudible 00:41:56], my body’s just out of control. And she can’t reach. Can’t reach. But I can’t stop my body. I can’t stop my body. I remember her taking me to this therapist that she went to. This lady was like 80 years old. And the first thing she asked me is, are you married? I’m like, what the hell type of therapist is it that ask me if I’m married? Maybe I’m experiencing something I’ve never experienced before, and you’re asking if I’m married.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

Apparently she’s seen some rough marriages. She’s like, “This looks like that one marriage I saw that one time. All right.”

Keith Smith:

Or he looks like the husband.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

Uh-huh (affirmative). Oh, man.

Keith Smith:

And she just wanted me to get some help. But that didn’t help me. So I remember being in my apartment, knowing I’m about to lose that. And something just said to me, “You need to go to rehab. And that’s where you’re going to find out. And if you go the rehab, don’t do outpatient.” I didn’t even know what is outpatient. I’m like, what the hell is outpatient? And this voice is just speaking to me like you and I are having a conversation. People say divine intervention from God, their higher… my God.

Keith Smith:

And it said, “Look in the phone book.” And I looked in the phone book and I found a place in Florida. And at the same time, my family was about to do a intervention with me. So the door, I hear a knock on the door and I opened it the door. It’s my cousins, three of my cousins and two of my brothers and one of my aunts. And they were like, “We need to talk to you, because we think this is enough.” And they look at my apartment. They’re like, “What are you doing?” I’m like, “I’m packing up.” And they’re like, “Where you going?” I’m like, “To rehab.”

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

Easiest intervention ever. They’re like, God, we’re good at this. Man. We’re overprepared.

Keith Smith:

Yeah. So they were like, “That’s what we came to talk to you about.” I’m like, “Well, y’all did a good job.” So one of my brothers is like, “Well, whatever you decide… ” One of my brothers didn’t show up, because he said, it’s enough for him. And that hurt me because I’m extremely close to him. So he saw me through everything, but he was like, that’s enough here. He can’t do it anymore. And I sent him a text message and I’m like, “I’m going to rehab.” His response was, “Yeah, whatever. Message me when you serious.” And I went to rehab in Florida. And before I went, I started researching and The Bahamas does rehab here, but they did it on another island. So I reached out to them, and they were like, “Well, whatever you want to do, we will be the part where we assist you.” So the rehab I went to in Florida was about two months and the rehab here I six months. But the good thing is, I only had to do it for four months, because I already did two months prior.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

Ah, loophole. Time served.

Keith Smith:

Yeah. So, and I’m thinking, “Oh, I could do outpatient in the Bahamas.” And here comes this voice, divine intervention again, like I invited him in my life. “No, you’re going to do inpatient, because if you do outpatient, you’re not going to get it.” And the rehab in Florida was like piece of cake. You get to keep your phone. You’re messaging people and all that. Okay, cool. I like this. I definitely thought it was going to be the rehab I saw on television. And I get back home to The Bahamas and to the rehab we have here, [inaudible 00:46:09] and I walk in and first of all, they take your phone. Like, “We ain’t having no phone up in here, buddy. No.” What kind of place is this? They treat you just like you’re in prison, because they want you to be serious about your program. I remember walking in [inaudible 00:46:31] Ashley, walking in with all these bags, and thinking oh, I get to dress up every day.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

Oh my God, they’re probably like, “What is this guy thinking?”

Keith Smith:

Yeah. I get to look good, and maybe I can meet a doctor here or something like that. That’s all in my head, I can meet a doctor here, he’s not going to care about the mental rehab or something like that. Why do I want to date a doctor while I’m going through this situation.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

I like your optimism. You’re making power moves.

Keith Smith:

All of that went through the window after the first two hours, when they said you’re going to have to help clean the bathrooms, you’re going to have chores. You’re going to have to work at 5:00 AM in the morning. It’s like, “What the hell?” Because they tried to change, give you a new routine so you can wake up intentionally. So I have to learn how to be intentional. So the first time in my life, which I’ve never been before, because drinking, I will wake up and say, “Oh, the alarm is going off 15 more minutes.” 15 more minutes will turn into three hours. Then the next thing, my entire day is gone because I’m trying to get over a hangover. So I had to learn how to be intentional.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

Just have kids. They’ll get you the fuck out of bed. We intentional all day long. I’m not sure that’s a great solution for sobriety, but it is a great solution for getting up. So they get you to be intentional and think about these things. And you come out of six months of inpatient, and do you stay in The Bahamas or what happens after you get out of rehab?

Keith Smith:

First of all, before I got out of rehab, I had this biggest fear of what’s going to happen to me, because I don’t know where I’m going to go, what’s going to happen to me.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

Right. Got to find that doctor.

Keith Smith:

I didn’t. There was a nurse. Damn, the nurse didn’t take my number, Ashley. He’s like, “No, you’re a patient.”

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

Rude.

Keith Smith:

I’m like, “I’m going to see you out of this [inaudible 00:48:58].” But I didn’t know what’s going to happen to me, because I didn’t basically have no more money. I had $200 left in my bank account, and I couldn’t go home because here goes this voice again, saying to me that that island you live on is not for you to go back to. And I was like, what am I going to do? I have no job. I [inaudible 00:49:25] off my job. I have no money in savings. What am I going to do? And they push you out. So you have to start looking for a job. So my first week of looking for a job, I got this call from a lady and she was like, “Hi. Keith?” And I’m like, “That’s me.” Who else could be on somebody’s cell phone? I didn’t say that aloud, but I was thinking that in my head.

Keith Smith:

She was like, “Oh, I was wondering if you’d be interested in a interview.” I was like, “Sure.” What have I got to lose?

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

Did you ask what the job was?

Keith Smith:

No.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

Okay, well you are an easy sell my friend. Okay. Keep going. You’re like, “Fuck it, whatever. Give me that interview.” Okay. Okay. Get your stripper name ready.

Keith Smith:

[inaudible 00:50:14] Tiger, that’s the [inaudible 00:50:17].

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

Okay. Okay. Good. All right. You had it in your back pocket. Okay.

Keith Smith:

She interviewed me, she told me that some folks are going to be calling me and I got the call for a first lady. And then I got a call from this gentleman with nice, soothing voice and with an accent. And I still didn’t ask what the job was about. He was like, Keith, I saw your resume. And I really like it. And I was wondering if you would come work for me. I still didn’t ask what the job’s for. And he’s like, “Well, we’re going to set up your train tickets and the place for you to stay.” And I was like, “Ahhh. What this job’s about? I’m sold.” Because I didn’t have no place to go. I couldn’t go home to family, because they didn’t want me. And I needed to do this on my own, whatever it was. And they’s like, “We need you to be here on this month. We’re going to fly you here to Canada to train, then we’re going to bring you back.” And when I go out to rehab, because I thought it was a joke. Really.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

Did they tell you what the job was?

Keith Smith:

Yeah, it was project managing for a private island, but actually every time I speak to someone, I would forget to ask what the job was about. I was so excited that it just went out of my head.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Well, that’s great. We like enthusiastic workers. So you stay on this island and you go and they provide you with housing?

Keith Smith:

Yes. Everything [crosstalk 00:52:04].

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

Oh my gosh.

Keith Smith:

Yes, I got there and everybody was just so nice. Still had about $200 that I had when I was in rehab. I still had it because I’d never spend it, because I don’t know. My higher power was just working for me.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

Apparently. Or for the dude. For the dude giving you the interview. Either way.

Keith Smith:

So I get there and I was just completely worried. There was worry. I didn’t know how I was going to do my recovery being so secluded, and what I was going to find there. Well, I didn’t find anybody who was in recovery. Basically when I talked to my therapist, because her and I would do a Zoom meeting, she was like, “Did you know there’s online meetings that you can attend?” And I was like, “Really?” And she’s like, “Yeah, we should try and look into it. Then she sent me a link-

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

This wasn’t the 80 year old, I take it. Okay.

Keith Smith:

No. She sent me a link and I went to a meeting, but it was a European meeting. Everybody was speaking either Italian or French, and I was sitting there and I’m thinking, I don’t need no [inaudible 00:53:29]. I didn’t know French or Italian. How am I going to relate to these people and what they’re talking about? So I couldn’t understand. So I start researching and I research until I found Lionrock. And I remember going into Lionrock for the first time. I’m hearing this raspy voice, which is Miss Judy, this raspy voice, I’m like, “Who is this lady with this raspy voice?” It was raspy enough that it took my attention and I wanted to attend it more.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

Interesting.

Keith Smith:

Yeah. She was very engaging. She was very welcoming. And at the time it will only be like 12 people in the rooms, 18 the most. And she would be very engaging. And then I met Brandy and a few other people and I was like, “Okay, I can do this. If this has to be my norm, then I will have to use it as my norm. Because for right now I want this life and I need healing. And whatever healing looks like for me, that’s what I’m going to take and use it.” And Lionrock became a force. It became a force for liberation. Liberation.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

You participated specifically in lionrock.life, right? The platform, not the professional programs.

Keith Smith:

Yes. Yes. Lionrock platform. That’s what I participated in. And it became a force, because then I started to meet other people like me. I knew there was from rehab, but I didn’t know it was on such a big scale like this. It created this form of intimacy. You have that intimacy where in dating, you’re careful what you let your guard down and who you let it down for and to. But when you walk into those rooms, it’s like your intimacy just dropped. And if someone asks you, what is intimacy? Well, it’s because you’re comfortable. You became comfortable and it pulled you in. So for an entire month, I didn’t share. I just observed, I just listened to what people had to say. And I just didn’t share, because I didn’t know these people. [crosstalk 00:56:17]. Ain’t trying to get you up in my business.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

[crosstalk 00:56:25] You don’t know my life. Oh God, I can’t. Okay, so a month goes by and then you feel liberated?

Keith Smith:

No, I got triggered for an anxiety attack, and there was nobody around to assist me on that level, but something said, “Go on the platform, see if there is a meeting.” And there was a meeting. That was the first time I opened my mouth and I actually shared. I was finding my voice now. I was finding my voice. I was finding how to open up about this. And in rehab, I slightly opened up, but there was things, deep rooted issues that I needed to open up, but peeling away the layers, only that will work. And these issues was not just about alcohol. There was more. And I opened my mouth and I speak and everybody didn’t judge me. They didn’t care. And I remember looking at the cameras at people’s faces and if you tell someone something to normal people, they be like, “[inaudible 00:57:38] Shut your mouth. Oh boy, how you did that?” Everybody in the room was like-

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

Nodding their head.

Keith Smith:

Mm-hmm (affirmative), like they understand what you’re going through. No judgment. And I was like, “Wow, this is the place for me. This is what I need. And I need to share more. If I want this freedom, I need to share more.”

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

You started out doing 12 step meetings, because that was where you started, from what you’re telling me, on the platform. Interesting to me, you now host or facilitate community meetings, which is a support group that we started for people with all sorts of types of recovery that tries to hold even less judgment. How did you make it from the 12 step side to the community side, or how do those two different support groups play into your program?

Keith Smith:

I remember when community was coming out and how it was advertised for people suffering from all walks of life. I remember being excited because I wanted to know about it, because there was this itch inside of me that was saying, doing alcohol is not the issue here. And you need to get to the point where you need to talk about everything that happened in your life for that liberation to be sound and for you to walk in that freedom. I remember sitting there and he’s like, “Welcome to community.” And he just went into the spiel about community and he started talking about something and he just gripped my attention. I was like, “Oh my God, I love this meeting. Is this the same community, or are they playing tricks on a brother? What’s going on here?” Because [inaudible 00:59:42].

Keith Smith:

I did not get this community before. They be holding back on me just because I [crosstalk 00:59:48] for 10 meetings in a day. I remember the hour went by so quick. Everybody was sharing, and it was like, this is what’s going on in my life. This is what’s happening. And I was like, I don’t want to share. And after the meeting, I remember sending him a message and I’m like, “You are amazing. Thank you.” That’s it. And he was like, “Thank you for being here. Keep coming back. I appreciate you for being here.” And I left and I tried to attend his meeting before in the day, but I didn’t have time, but I remember wanting more of community. And I’m not saying this because I’m a community facilitator. I’m saying this because community give me this escape, because there were people in the meeting that said, “Hey, I was raped. And I’m here because I’m raped.”

Keith Smith:

When AA was people saying, “I can’t relate to this because this is just about alcohol. And I’m a shoplifter.” And community allowed them to be in a space where no matter what you’re recovering from, you’re just as important. It became a special for me. I was like, I didn’t even know, I went in AA meetings and I’ll bring these topics to talk about, I was like, let’s talk about this. And I remember getting the side message from one of the attendees that’s like, “This is a AA meeting. This is not Oprah.”

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

Like, “Wow, that’s too bad, right?”. Oh, man, that’s funny.

Keith Smith:

And then I was like, “Okay, I don’t know what I’m going to do, but I’m going to keep on attending these AA meetings.” Then I got a message from Leo asking me. He said, “Hey, I was in one of your meetings and I really liked it. Would you think about doing community meeting?” I was like, “Ahhh. Oh my God.” A community meeting? The community was offering me what I was looking for. It was a personal choice. It had nothing to do with, “Oh, this is not good for me.” Or anything like that. It was just offering me what I was looking for in my recovery process. This is what recovery allows. Recovery, for me, recovery allows me to process these feelings that I’ve never processed before. And instead of the bottle and not process them because of the bottle, I have to be present and process them. It’s going to hurt me. It’s going to maybe hurt the other people. But for me, it’s a lesson, and I can use this lesson to continue my living. Because remember, for me, I don’t know who this Keith is. And that’s what a lot of people don’t know. They see the smile, they see my great personality, my beautiful hair. Just joking. But I don’t know him. I’m just learning, and I’m just learning to get to know him.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

You started facilitating community meetings and since you’ve started doing that, what does your recovery look like? How has it changed your recovery?

Keith Smith:

It has changed it because I realized that a lot of different things. I didn’t realize before community that my mental health was important. In order for my recovery process to continue my mental health has to be intact. All of this depends on my mental health, and if it’s not in a good place, I wouldn’t continue in my recovery process.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

Right. Right. Because recovery is about mental health and using is about anesthesia, right? It’s about not feeling. And it’s really important for us to recognize that we are in recovery for our mental health, and that our addiction or substance use is a piece of that. A part of that.

Keith Smith:

And nobody taught me that, Ashley. Even being in rehab, they spoke about your mind, body, and soul, for the whole month. But I never grasped that my mental health has to be intact for my body and spirit to connect, because if I don’t have my mind, how are these other things are going to operate correctly?

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

Yeah. They won’t.

Keith Smith:

They won’t. That’s what I learned in community from other people sharing their stories and opening up about what’s going on in their life or what they’ve been through. I’ve learned that in order to be in a personal state, my mind has to be able to process this state. And if my mind is not able to process it, I don’t get to live the life I’m called to live in recovery. It won’t happen. And how do I be in this state? I have to take care Keith at all cost. And if that means my boundaries is staunch in saying Keith comes first, which I never did before in the past, and people are offended that I’m saying that Keith comes first, then they just have to be offended.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

Yeah. That’s hard, right? That’s a hard thing. It’s a hard thing to deal with when you’re used to needing approval.

Keith Smith:

Yes. Yes. And now you are learning how to take care of you, which I didn’t know how to do before. I thought taking care of me is making other people happy. And then I get this feeling, this joyous feeling that I did something great for somebody else. And I’m able to pull up my socks, pat myself on the shoulder, and say “Good job, Keith.” But that was a false feeling.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

One of the things that’s interesting, as we spoke about a little bit earlier, the community meeting that you facilitate is actually, I heard someone call it the alphabet gang, the LGBTQIA+, and that’s centered around that. Especially growing up the way that you did and some of the messages and trying to find yourself, learning about mental health, how has facilitating that specific recovery support group, along with the topic of sexual or gender identity, how has that changed your recovery?

Keith Smith:

It has changed it because I feel like I’m now being able to be open about who I am, because whilst I was in AA and I was wondering, “Man, is there other people like me out there? I can’t be alone.” I can’t be gay, recovering. Been through this whole process and there’s not other people out there who is gay, because that lifestyle is so based on sex, drugs, and all that, and I’m not doing that no more. I’ve never been in a relationship. I’ve always just slept around, and I’m not doing that anymore. And how do I now relate to others when pulling this thing away that I thought made me relatable, which is alcohol. How I still be a part of the community? I wanted to learn. And then LGBQ… At the time it was LGBQ, not IA. But now it’s IA. When LGBQ was launched, I was like, “Yes! Yes.” Liberation in another form, because to me, liberation can be in any different form. It’s just not one thing. It’s a whole-

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

It’s another piece of the puzzle.

Keith Smith:

Yes. I was like, “Yes.” And then when I went into it, yes, there was other people out there who be talking about their addiction in different ways and what they’re going through. And they were talking about how hard it is to date now. And I wanted to hear that. I couldn’t find it in no other meetings but there. So it was stripping away the layers of my pain in another area of my life.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

It’s so cool. Your story is just super powerful. That we get to be a small piece of that feels really, really good. I really appreciate your vulnerability in talking about these things, and I love when people can connect to their feelings, because sometimes when you… One of the things is about being sober a long time is, you tell your story a lot of times, and it can be hard as you go on longer and longer and get further away from the story to connect with it. I just love that you’re so connected with it because it’s really powerful for people to hear and to feel. To feel vibrationally the impact that these scenarios, that these situations have had on you. So thank you so much for being so vulnerable with me and sharing that with the audience. I really appreciate that. It is currently Pride Month, and I’m wondering if you could give us the time and day of your community support group so that people can check it out if they are feeling the need for connection.

Keith Smith:

Yeah, sure. LGBQIA is on Tuesday nights at 8:00 PM Eastern. I’m bad with time zones, so I can’t tell you what time that is Central. Google it. It’s 8:00 PM Eastern on Tuesday evenings, and it’s 8:00 PM Eastern on Friday evenings. And we will love to have you there. We also invite people who supports the community. So it’s not just [crosstalk 01:10:25] to people who are LGBQIA, it’s also people who supports the community. So I have a lot of people that comes in that are not LGBQIA, but they support the community. So all is welcome.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

I love it. I love it. If you’re looking for this meeting, you can go to Lionrock.life. And the meeting is at 5:00 PM Pacific, 6:00 PM Mountain time, 7:00 PM Central time, 8:00 PM Eastern time on Tuesdays and Fridays. Again, that’s 5:00 PM Pacific, 6:00 PM Arizona Mountain time, 7:00 PM Central time, and 8:00 PM Eastern time. So definitely check that out. Keith, thank you so much.

Keith Smith:

Thank you, Ashley, for having me.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

So, so happy to have you here.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

This podcast is sponsored by lion rock.life. Lionrock.life is a recovery community offering free online support group meetings, useful recovery information, and entertainment. Visit www.lionrock.life to view the meeting schedule and find additional resources. Find the joy in recovery at lionrock.life.