#116 – Daryl Ralph

Bonds of Mara Drummer Discusses All Things Music & Recovery

As the drummer for the Canadian rock band Bonds of Mara and the cult cartoon and band, Sons of Butcher, Daryl Ralph is a musician. 

Born and raised in Hamilton, Ontario. Daryl had early aspirations of being a rockstar. At the age of 19, he moved out west, settling in White Rock, Kelowna and Vancouver, BC. The intent was for Daryl to embed his roots in his music career, but instead became heavily rooted in addiction. Unable to support himself and his addiction, Daryl returned to Ontario where this hardened lifestyle continued for over a decade and a half. 

Alcohol and intravenous drug use completely dominated his life, overshadowing any possibility of music success. This consumed all hopes of healthy lasting relationships and robbed him of all quality of life. At the age of 35, Daryl finally realized he needed help. Following several failed attempts at sobriety, Daryl finally found his way along a path towards health and recovery. 

Today, in addition to Bonds of Mara and Sons of Butcher, Daryl also plays guitar alongside his wife Jenny, in an acoustic duo playing the local circuit. You can hear Bonds of Mara, Sons of Butcher, and Jenny Howes Duo on all streaming platforms.

Resources & Additional Information

Episode Resources

• The Wisdom of Trauma Film| thewisdomoftrauma.com
• Happiness Now! Book | Available on Amazon

Connect with Daryl Ralph

• Website | darylralphrecovery.com
• Instagram | @darylralphdrums_recovery
• Spotify | Bonds of Mara & Jenny Howes Duo

Connect The Courage to Change

• Podcast Website | lionrock.life/couragetochangepodcast
• Podcast Instagram | @couragetochange_podcast
• Podcast Facebook | @thecouragetochangepodcast
• Podcast Email | podcast@lionrock.life

Lionrock Resources

• Coffee & Coffee Alternatives | lionrock.life/shop-products
• Support Group Meeting Schedule | lionrock.life/meetings

Listen & Subscribe

• Apple Podcasts | Google Podcasts | Spotify | Pandora
• Stitcher | iHeart | TuneIn | Overcast | SoundCloud

Episode Transcript

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

Coming up on this episode of The Courage to Change.

Daryl Ralph:

Yeah, I couldn’t breathe and I couldn’t breathe to tell him that I couldn’t breathe, so there was a lot of times where in my little, kid mind I was like, “This is my last minutes on Earth.” Right?

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

Yeah.

Daryl Ralph:

So, what I did learn from that though is my anger protects me, because I would go into a serious rage. I’d have the strength to finally get him off me and it would be pretty extreme. Today we joke about it, because I would run right to the kitchen, grab a knife, chase him around the house.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

Hello beautiful people, welcome to The Courage to Change, a recovery podcast. My name is Ashley Loeb Blassingame and I am your host. Today we have Drummer Daryl Ralph. As the drummer for the Canadian rock band, Bonds of Mara and the Cult Carton and band Sons of Butcher, Daryl Ralph is a musician. Born and raised in Hamilton, Ontario, Daryl had early aspirations of being a rock star.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

At the age of 19, he moved out west, settling in White Rock, Kelowna, and Vancouver B.C. The intent was for Daryl to embed his roots in his music career, but instead became heavily rooted in his addiction. Unable to support himself and his addiction, Daryl returned to Ontario where this hardened lifestyle continued for over a decade and half.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

Alcohol and intravenous drug use completely dominated his life overshadowing any possibility of music success. This consumed all hopes of healthy, lasting relationships and robbed him of all quality of life. At the age of 35, Daryl finally realized he needed help.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

Following several failed attempts at sobriety, Daryl finally found his way along a path towards health and recovery. Today, in addition to Bonds of Mara and Sons of Butcher, Daryl also plays guitar alongside his wife in an acoustic duo playing the local circuit.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

You can hear Bonds of Mara, Sons of Butcher and Jenny Howes Duo on all streaming platforms. Woo-woo. I highly recommend that all my musical listeners listen to this podcast. Daryl is an incredible man and has incredible recovery, but he also has the story that I hear from many musicians where they think that their hopes and dreams are lost as a result of their addiction and come to find out that they are not.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

He tells how he got from where he was to where he is today, which is 13 years clean and sober. Daryl, his band, Bonds of Mara, they are coming back after COVID, so definitely check them out on Spotify. I listened to their songs on there, they’re awesome. Not just saying that, truly, really enjoyed their music. Bonds of Mara. B-O-N-D-S of M-A-R-A. And I hope you enjoy this episode, lots of nuggets of wisdom and great quotes. So without further ado, let’s do this.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

You are listening The Courage to Change, a recovery podcast. We are a community of recovering people who have overcome the odds and found the courage to change. Each week, we share stories of recovery from substance abuse, eating disorders, grief and loss, childhood trauma and other life-changing experiences. Come join us no matter where you are on your recovery journey. All right, this is awesome. How often do you do podcasts in your drumming room?

Daryl Ralph:

Oh, I do everything from here, just because it’s all … Well, I’m lying because apparently it’s not set up, but it’s set up for everything else. Yeah.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

Awesome. Well, Daryl, welcome to the podcast. Thank you so much for being here.

Daryl Ralph:

Yeah, thanks for having me. Yeah, I’m pretty excited about it.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

Yeah, this is exciting. Well, we always start off, tradition for season three, with a picture, a bad haircut picture, and I received a picture that will be posted with your episode on Instagram. Tell me about this picture. How old are you and who cut your bangs?

Daryl Ralph:

I forgot all about that. I cut my bangs. I don’t know why I had to have my hair cut. I think I was at grade two, so probably seven years old. And yeah, I don’t know. I normally didn’t like having my hair cut. My mom always just cut my hair and it was always like I had put a bowl over my head kind of look. I don’t know why I needed it cut, but I tried to cut my own hair and that was the turnout, that was the result.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

I like it. It’s very rocker of you. Like, “I don’t have a style. I’m just going to cut out my bangs here.”

Daryl Ralph:

Yeah. I probably would have liked it more later on, but yeah, it was a photo day, a couple of days after that and I was freaking out.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

Of course. Of course. That’s always how it is. There’s always something.

Daryl Ralph:

My mom was really mad at me.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

Oh, I’m sure. I’m sure. All right. So, tell me a little bit about your family. Do you have brothers and sisters?

Daryl Ralph:

Yes. I have a older brother and an older sister, so I’m the youngest. Alcoholism was in the family. I didn’t know about it, relatives and things like that. There was drinking every night, but it was never fall-down-drunk-missing-work and stuff like that. It was always used as celebration.

Daryl Ralph:

We celebrate things. Oh, it’s Christmas. Here’s a little glass of wine. At a very young age, I remember having, what’s that, a sparkling dark or something like that. I can’t remember what it’s called. Just always a little special days and stuff like that. You have wine at dinner at a very young age. There was always drinking pretty much every night, but just as social and stuff like that. Not me, just in the house. In the house.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

Yeah. Your parents. And how much older are your siblings?

Daryl Ralph:

So, my brother’s two years older and my sister is, I believe, about five years older.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

Okay. Okay. And your brother, interesting about your experience with your brother was, a lot of people are bullied outside of their home, you experienced some bullying inside the home.

Daryl Ralph:

Yeah. And I mean, I wrote it off to typical older brother stuff, which most of it was really. And to this day, yeah, I want to make it clear, I have no villains in my story or anything like that. My brother and I get along great. We definitely have set up boundaries over the years and things like that, but I didn’t even know what boundaries were until I got into recovery or anything.

Daryl Ralph:

As far as the bullying and stuff like that, there was a few things that came out of that, which was… And I do look at now as an adult, I know that my brother probably had his own pain and stuff like that. And the way he dealt with it, I’m sure he probably was super loved and he was the young one. And then here comes along good old Daryl. It’s like, maybe there’s a little bit of jealousy there and stuff like that.

Daryl Ralph:

But it was a lot of everyday just pretty much, just making fun of the way I look. And a big thing about my brother and I, we’re only two years apart, but he was much bigger than me. A point I was 115 pounds and he was 275. So, a huge difference.

Daryl Ralph:

And so, what would happen is, we get introduced to neighbors, parents, like adults around the neighborhood, and they would take a look at him, take a look at me and immediate follow up like, “What happened to you?” Or have to make a joke like, “Well, did they keep the food away from you? Do they lock you in the basement?” Stuff like that.

Daryl Ralph:

And well, actually, he did use to lock me in the basement and things like that, throw me down, sit on me. Whereas he was just so much bigger that he didn’t realize that it was point where-

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

Scaring you.

Daryl Ralph:

Yeah. I couldn’t breathe and I couldn’t breathe to tell him that I couldn’t breathe. There was a lot of times where in my little, kid mind I was like, “This is my last minutes on Earth,” right?

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

Yeah.

Daryl Ralph:

So, what I did learn from that though is my anger protects me, because I would go into a serious rage. Obviously I was not thinking straight. I’d have the strength to finally get him off me. And it would be pretty extreme.

Daryl Ralph:

Today we joke about it, but if he wasn’t so big, I don’t know what would happen because I would run right to the kitchen, grab a knife, chase him around the house. Our childhood basement door had a bunch of stab marks in it and stuff. He was so much bigger, he could just hold it shut and he would just wait until I would calm down, but I would be so enraged.

Daryl Ralph:

That taught me that that protects me because then the tormenting would stop and he’d be afraid of me. And that made me feel powerful.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

Right.

Daryl Ralph:

Yeah. And then I would take that to kids at school and stuff. It didn’t take much for me to get set off. So, if somebody just made a little remark to me, could be me just taking it or I would flip and hurt the kids in my grade and stuff.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

I have a sibling that’s two years younger and I know I did awful things and it didn’t come from a place of being evil. But I do think that it’s important to highlight the fact that some of the stuff that we…

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

So, we only know our own normal, right? Whatever we grew up with, that’s our norm. And it isn’t until we start seeing outside of ourselves and getting introduced to other things and the rest of the world where we start to understand, “Okay. So, it looks like this was a little extreme,” or, “People did this here,” or whatever, where we stand on that spectrum.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

And I think with siblings, it’s really helpful to have these stories and talk about these stories because I often hear people say, “I had no idea that XYZ was abuse,” or, “I had no idea that XYZ affected me so much because I knew that the person didn’t mean to hurt me. And so therefore in my head, if they didn’t mean to, it shouldn’t affect me the way that it does.”

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

And so, I zeroed in on being bullied in the home because any of us who have siblings know that a sibling relationship, there’s often fighting, and bullying, and all sorts of cruel pranks.

Daryl Ralph:

Cruel pranks. Yeah. Yeah.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

Yeah. Yeah. So, that is very normal. I have four year old twin boys and the amount of UFC that goes on in our house is a little terrifying. However, I do think that it’s important to point out that when a child… You and your brother are both very tall, one was a lot heavier than the other.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

I think it’s really important to point out that when your brain is deprived of oxygen, it doesn’t care whether or not it’s a joke, it’s a sibling, it’s a stranger. When your brain assesses the situation as terror, as fear, it stores that information that way.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

And it’s one of those things where you can leave the situation knowing, “Oh, that’s my stupid, idiot brother. Oh, they were just kidding. Oh,” et cetera, et cetera. But your muscles, your brain, the chemicals in your body that are released are the same ones that the person who is in immediate danger, is at their last… It’s the same chemicals, it’s the same hormones. The body’s going through the same experience.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

And so, that can leave lasting effects. And it doesn’t mean we have to look back and go, “Oh my gosh, I am the way I am because my brother sat on me and tickled me till I didn’t like it or locked me. I am the way I am,” et cetera, et cetera.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

But it is really helpful to know. I feel like a lot of people are like, “I have no idea what’s wrong with me. I have no idea what’s happening. I have no idea… I had a perfect childhood. I had this.” And we can say, well, yes, you had a loving family that they didn’t intend to abuse you, but your brain experienced abuse. Your brain experienced trauma, even if they didn’t mean to do that.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

And that’s what you’re describing is like, oh, I had no idea that these experiences I was having, these really scary experiences where you were responding with this anger, that those experiences were trauma even if your brother loves you very much and didn’t mean to do that.

Daryl Ralph:

Yeah. That is really well put. Yeah, because it does. Our billion year old brains just chalk that up to, “Well, it’s life or death.” It doesn’t know the difference between getting ready to come on a podcast or a train coming at you. Based on your experiences, it’s going to go through the options, “Daryl’s in trouble here, decease, decease.” Right? And so, what’s the option?

Daryl Ralph:

Not back at that time, but eventually I did form the option of like, “Oh, drink alcohol, this fixes everything. Daryl’s back to good, and this “fixes” everything.” And I took that and ran with it. And again, never looked at any of this stuff until I got into recovery, but it’s based on childhood trauma.

Daryl Ralph:

And whatever that may have been to me needs to be honored in myself. Not by anybody else, myself. I need to honor that because that’s what’s going on, exactly the way you just delicately explained it. That was a really good way of explaining it, for sure.

Daryl Ralph:

Yeah. Because when you were talking, literally I, up until… Well, I didn’t get into recovery, start going to rehab or anything until into my thirties. And the first time we had a group where we sat around. And each person, it would take the full group, one person per day tell their life story.

Daryl Ralph:

And when I told my life story, I’m just like, “Yeah, that’s just big brother stuff.” And these are all men. Some of them from jail and stuff like that and they’re looking at me going, “No dude, that was pretty rough.” I don’t know.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

That’s the beauty of group therapy. People often, I don’t want to do group therapy, I don’t want to this, why do I need to listen to somebody else’s story in order for me to get better? And the beauty of group therapy is exactly what you described. And I had that same experience too where I’m describing certain things as like, “And then XYZ happened,” and I’m like, “Okay, moving on, next thing,” and someone’s like, “Whoa, whoa, whoa, do you realize?”

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

And I’m like, “No, it’s not. That’s normal run-of-the mill. And they’re saying no. And then the whole group’s like, “No Ashley, that’s not normal. Do you see how?” And again, it’s coming from a group of people who also did the same things that… These are not soft as I would judge people, right? These are not soft people, right? Like you said, these are guys in jail. You’re sitting in the group with people who think the way that I think.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

So, if they think it’s traumatic, or they think it’s serious, or if they all there’s consensus there, that is so helpful and it’s truly the power of group therapy that individual therapy does not, it cannot do that for you the same way that that group of men or that group of women who say to you, “Ashley, it’s not normal to be sexually assaulted that many times in your lifetime or whatever, even if you’re drinking. And even if…”

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

It’s just not normal. Most people don’t experience that or whatever it is. And you have it from a group of people where it’s not some doctor who’s never blacked out before. It’s a group of women who partied as hard as you did, or a group of men who partied as hard as you did.

Daryl Ralph:

Yeah, we all like to compare it, because again, yeah. Before I’d shared my story, I was absolutely comparing myself and judging like, “These guys are just going to laugh at this.” These guys have gone through real trauma and I’ve just had a cushy life. There’s no reason.

Daryl Ralph:

And still, even to then, it took convincing. I used to get into arguments with the counselors saying, “I just simply enjoy getting wasted. It just makes me feel good. Good times always happen.” And then they had to quickly explain like, “Okay, good times always happen. Let’s talk about the last time you got drunk.” And I walked him through it and he says, “Okay, does that sound like a good…” Oh, wait a second. It was good when I was 18.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

Right. Right. Right.

Daryl Ralph:

Yeah, but at 30.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

Why did it take you 10 years after that to start-

Daryl Ralph:

Wait a second, I’m not still 18. Oh, wait a second. I’m supposed to become responsible, and yeah, all these things that I don’t want to do because I don’t believe in myself. And it all goes back to the trauma… You can keep me on course, for sure. You’re going to have to, because I get all over the place. I get excited talking about recovery.

Daryl Ralph:

But there’s Gabor Mate, he came out with this, I don’t know if you’ve seen his movie, The Wisdom of Trauma.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

Yeah.

Daryl Ralph:

That has even opened up my eyes even more to, we are also living, our parents, a generational trauma. And yeah, don’t even get me started with the whole racial trauma and all that kind of stuff that the whole world is going through right now.

Daryl Ralph:

And it’s good that there’s discussions like that because people like to fluff over that, even in our own personal stories. Yeah. Well, I just got beat up, but let’s just forget about that. Because that’s whatever. I shouldn’t have got beat up, but let’s rock on. Or like, yeah, you’re saying sexually abused. Well, it was my fault because I was drunk. It’s like, no, these are traumatic incidences and the whole world’s going through that right now.

PART 1 OF 4 ENDS [0:19:33]

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

It’s one of the things that I experienced is that, for me, it’s one thing, the first, second or third time something happens, right? Maybe the first time that you were suffocated to the point where you couldn’t breathe and the first time that happened is a very vivid experience, but the 10th and the 13th and the 20th, your body is experiencing it as traumatic as the first time, but it also knows the process, right? It’s familiar.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

So, when trauma becomes familiar, I think you cannot live in a state of free fall for extended periods of time no matter where you are. I’m sure people, even in internment camps, they figured out a routine, they applied some semblance of normalcy because your adrenal glands cannot stay in a heightened state of that level of fear for six months at a time. Right?

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

So, your body figures out a way to adapt even in any type of trauma. And so, what I find is that anything that I experienced that went on for a long period of time, it was harder for me to really pull that apart because I did find a way to normalize whatever that thing was, normalize the anger I had, normalize, because I too, I was a rager.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

And I too, that was one of my amends when I got sober was that I would never lay a hand on anyone in my family ever again. And I mean, I was 19 when I got sober, and a young woman, not the… In order for that to be one of the main amends that I made, it indicates to you how serious my rage was.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

But again, I normalized so many things if they were things that happened over and over and over and over again because I had to. Right? And I think that that’s where we get, by the time we get into recovery, so many of us have normalized so many things, whether it’s blacking out, waking up places we don’t remember, drinking and driving, car accidents, fights, whatever it is, we have normalized those things because we had to. And so then trying to convince us that it’s abnormal it’s this whole other unraveling process that it sounds like you went through with this.

Daryl Ralph:

Yeah. And it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy because the first time it happens, it’s like… And then as soon as it starts to become normal, well, normal just means that’s what you believe, I guess. So you just start going through the actions of what you believe.

Daryl Ralph:

I told everybody I went to rehab then I relapsed and I was just like, “Yes, this is exactly how I’m going to die. I know what my story is.” And it’s like, wow, 13 years into recovery, I’m just like, I have no idea what my story is. And I’m super excited about it because things just keep getting better and better not because…

Daryl Ralph:

Well, yes, I am a different person, but I still have all the same lived experiences and everything. I just have more coping strategies in my toolbox, rather to say, well, this has happened. First of all, I recognize if something’s negative in my life and I’m like, “Well, I don’t want that to happen again. So let’s figure out, is it me? Is it them? Is it just chance? What is it?”

Daryl Ralph:

That’s why, again, you talk about group therapy. My number one thing, if anybody’s struggling and trying to get out of the hole they’re in, start by reaching out to one person and have that person… The more people that you can have that have the same values in their life as you do… Because if you think about it, when we’re using those people, we sought out the people that have the same values as we do, which is lying, stealing, and just, “Where can I get more and more and more?” And your value is in, “Am I holding? If I’m not, then I’m useless and we need to find something…”

Daryl Ralph:

But they talk about higher power. A lot of people struggle with that, but my higher power simply is love. Because in my head I can see the values behind that. Getting out of self, helping others, that joy, I don’t know, I could go on about love. But that’s just where I see my higher power.

Daryl Ralph:

And yeah, I just think if we start believing… There’s tons of power in love too. I feel so powerful living with love because there’s forgiveness. And that was a hard thing for me to find the concept of because we can wake up… We don’t have a lot of choices in this world. A lot of things will happen, we don’t have control over a lot of things.

Daryl Ralph:

I mean, we have lots of choices. We don’t have a lot of control over things, but the thing we do have control over is whether we wake up and we want to be a victim or a hero of the day. And I always try to choose to be a hero today. And it’s not easy all the time because I’m human and you’re not always going to wake up feeling a hundred percent or anything like that. But I just try to explain to people, having a morning routine and a night routine keeps things pretty consistent.

Daryl Ralph:

And you just start to do that with muscle memory, that becomes the new normal. And then you can start to take on the day way easier. Cope with things that come your way.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

Absolutely. Absolutely. I think one of the really cool things about you sharing your story, and people can’t see you right now, but you’re sitting in front of a drum set, is that you are not the typical person that they think of talking about love, and feelings, and higher power. And although you are Canadian, we do expect you to be kind.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

I think being a drummer and in a rock band and having that sort of hard, what other people would perceive as hard persona, I think is one of the coolest things about being particularly men in recovery is that you get this other side of them that is not the norm as we’re talking about norms. And I love that you’re so willing to talk about that and willing to incorporate all those things. You started drumming really young. How did drumming stay consistent, or not, for you throughout your addiction?

Daryl Ralph:

Yeah, kind of not, but kind of. Well, I guess it’s very spiritual. You go back to the spiritual thing. I’ll be giving drum lessons and my students will sometimes say, “Is this a counseling session or what’s going on here? Are we learning drums?” Because to me it’s a very spiritual thing.

Daryl Ralph:

Like I talked about morning routine. I wake up, and I mean, there’s no more mindful practice than putting on a metronome and just sitting there with two pairs of wood, and just trying to listening to the sound, being in time, you’re breathing and everything’s connected.

Daryl Ralph:

And so, I guess, by the grace of God, drumming never really left me throughout my… I did always tell myself, oh, here we go back to, well, I have to get drunk in order to feel like doing anything. Because really waking up in the morning after well into my addiction was just like, “I wish I didn’t wake up.” So, to be motivated to do anything.

Daryl Ralph:

I always stayed playing drums. It was always a big thing. I guess, yeah. You just said I’m sitting behind a drum set, but yeah. About 11 years old, I stated I’m going to be a rock star when I grow up. I didn’t want to be anything else. I’m sure my parents were happy about that, but I mean, they were always very supportive.

Daryl Ralph:

And it was not just a phase. It just kept going. It just fed me with everything. It was something that I called my own too. My brother wasn’t really interested in music. I was very interested in, well, up to 18.

Daryl Ralph:

My life as a teenager was pretty much like I was into wrestling. So, I was very into being healthy. I used to look at other kids that smoked cigarettes like, “That’s crazy. Smoking cigarettes, you’re going to die.”, I couldn’t believe it. Right? Somebody would smoke cigarettes. I was all about running and working out. I was probably addicted to working out, though, if you look at it.

Daryl Ralph:

But I mean, I remember Friday nights, people would say, “Come on, let’s go to a party.” And I didn’t even know what a party was at that time. I would just be, “No, I’m going to be a rock star.” I would be telling my friends, “I’m going to be a rockstar. I’ve got a practice up in the attic.” And that’s what I did Friday, Saturday nights.

Daryl Ralph:

It was also a way probably for me to get accepted, because when I did start going to parties, it was because I was invited to go play music. So, my band would show up. I’d have like 24 orange pop. And we played some Metallica. And that’s where I learned too that I was afraid of people that drank. Because I’d see my friends in the day in school and they’re just PNM and then all of a sudden it’s like fights breaking out. People are just violently sick. People treating girls like shit. I can’t even understand half of what these people are saying.

Daryl Ralph:

And so, I’d play my drums and I would get the hell out of there because I was scared. I was terrified because it was very unpredictable. And even to this day, I am a little uneasy. But I think that’s how I got accepted though. I mean, my brother’s friends started coming over and they were just like, “Yeah, Daryl can play the new, Red Hot Chili, but he could play Red Hot Chili Peppers and Faith No More and stuff like that.

Daryl Ralph:

So, they were always saying, “Get your brother over to the house,” because my brother had moved out by then and they pretty much had a party house. I would go over there with my drums and entertain, I guess. So, I got accepted that way. So, it was very important to me to just always play.

Daryl Ralph:

Was I growing as a drummer? I mean, well actually, within the last five years, I’ve really buckled down and I’m just doing a bunch of stuff on the drums that I should have been doing when I was seven years old, but whatever, I’m having fun with the process. Right?

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

It’s worked out, right?

Daryl Ralph:

Yeah. Yeah. And it’s been my highest highs and my lowest lows to music. I don’t know. I think if you ask any musician, it’s probably like that. I do have the tool box to deal with, just being in a band is really tough. It’s like a family. It’s like a marriage in a family and communication 101 right there. Yeah, it’s funny that you say that about men in recovery because yeah, my wife and my band, I usually end up being the, what’s the word?

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

The mediator?

Daryl Ralph:

The mediator. The mediator. Yeah. You’re going to have to do that a lot with me. I forget words all the time. But yeah, my wife was like, “Man, I’ve never seen a man express his failing so much.” And we always laugh. We always say that I’m the female of the relationship because I’m always trying to get her to talk. Like, “I know. You seem uneasy. Let’s talk that stuff.”

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

Right, let’s talk it through.

Daryl Ralph:

Let’s talk. Let’s talk. Yeah. Yeah.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

Yeah, because there’s tools and there’s norms that we all fall into, and men are supposed to be feeling less. Women are supposed to have too many feelings, right? And a lot of those get smashed in recovery, which is really cool and scary, going into it. But I found it to be very rewarding.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

You talked about alcohol being scary and unpredictable, but you progressed from alcohol. You ended up as an IV user. I was also IV and heroin addict and I also talk about how I was terrified of needles. And if you had told anyone that that’s where I was going to end up, they would not have believed you until shortly before that happened.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

And so, a question I get asked, which I’m sure you’ve probably have been asked as well is, how did you go from this to that? How did you go from being scared of the unpredictability of alcohol and what it did to your friends to shooting meth and heroin? What was that thing that allowed you to step over that next, I’ll never do that, that next yet?

Daryl Ralph:

Yeah. Yeah. Well, again, yeah, because they do say it’s always going to be a progression. Right? But it was definitely years. I mean, weed and things and alcohol were all introduced roughly around the same time. So, it’s like what you said, well, at least I’m not doing blah, blah, blah.

Daryl Ralph:

So, when I moved out on my own, it’s values, right? So, we just allow values to change. And some of the values that started, while at least I don’t borrow money. As soon as I moved out on my own, I realized how much cheese and meat cost and rent. And it’s like, “Whoa, my restaurant job is not affording me to drink 24 beers every night and do all this rest of this stuff.”

Daryl Ralph:

So, I quickly chose the beer all the time because, again, back to our billion year old brain, that’s the way I live. If I don’t have beer, then I can’t talk to people. I’m not interesting. I’m back to that scared person that feels like crap about themselves. So, the big priority here is, let’s get the sauce that fixes everything and then we’ll worry about the rest, and worried about the recipe.

Daryl Ralph:

Okay. Well, let’s borrow some money. Hey, that works. And quickly you’re owing your whole paycheck back. And then you get to a party and it’s like, “Well, at least I don’t do this.” And then it’s introduced and it’s like, “Well, let’s give it a try.” And being so afraid of people that were using, I just decided pretty much from the first night, I will be the guy that uses.

Daryl Ralph:

So, I’d be the king of the party. And I lived up to that tenfold. I always laughed at cheers because I was like, wow, norm. D-Man became my… And literally, D-Man, that’s a superhero. Right? So, that’s how I saw like I can do anything. But as long as I have the drugs and the alcohol, I can do anything. Without that, I told myself I’m useless and I’m not even worth anything.

Daryl Ralph:

And the danger of that, and this is a hundred percent guaranteed, and this is why I go back to love because love is in here. Just like what you’re talking about, men and everybody, there’s tons, it’s infinite. Love is in us. And I know this sounds a little airy-fairy maybe, but it really is. It’s a choice. Right? And as long as I’m breathing, I can either choose love or hate.

Daryl Ralph:

But with drugs or alcohol or anything outside ourselves… I read a book, Happiness Now, which is a great book. He always said, ego stands for everything good outside. So it’s like, and that’s going to end. That’s going to deplete. And if you’re always needing, needing, needing, needing a state of need, always needs, it’s always going to need more. So that’s where, yeah. Sorry, I got off track there, but yeah, it’s just, the progression there is just needing more, needing more, needing more.

Daryl Ralph:

My friend eventually came up to me one night. I was drunk and he said, “I think you’d probably like this. Do you want to try it?” And he shot me up and he was absolutely right. And then now it’s like needing more of that and still drinking. Drinking was always like-

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

Always in the background.

Daryl Ralph:

… I know people. Yeah, people are always like, “What’s your drug of choice, bruh?” I always think that’s funny that question, but I just started telling everybody the answer to that question is more. My drug of choice was more. Just give me more of whatever’s happening and take me out of myself.

Daryl Ralph:

And now I think one of the key to long lasting sobriety, people can sober up. People can quit whatever they’re going to use, but I would never be able to last. If I wanted to do something but forced myself not to, I think that would always get overtaken.

Daryl Ralph:

So, I always say the secret to long lasting sobriety and thriving in life is spirituality. And I think that goes for everybody across the board in the whole wide world. And then people start relating that to, well, religion, blah, blah, blah.

Daryl Ralph:

And it’s simply, it could be just taking a breath, a deep breath, calming yourself down, just being content in your body, slowing down time. Me picking up my drums. This is very spiritual. When I’m behind my drum kit or even with a guitar, or even hanging out with people, which used to make me afraid. I am very afraid of social situations, still to this day I always am running. My wife laughs at me and she’s like, “Okay, we have social situation coming up, how many conversations have you already walked yourself through?”

Daryl Ralph:

Then they’re going to ask this and then I’m going to answer this. And then they’re going to say, and it’s so exhausting. It’s always going to be there. It’s always going to be there, but today I can cope with that kind of stuff and laugh at myself and things like that.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

I feel like I have arguments before I have the argument. And sometimes I’ll have a conversation with somebody in my head so then I don’t have the conversation. Someone will say to me, “Why didn’t you talk to me?” I’m like, “Oh, I did. I had the whole conversation in my head. I didn’t need to talk to you about it.”

Daryl Ralph:

A hundred percent. Every day I do that. I do that every day.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

I know what you were going to say, so didn’t have the conversation with you. Yeah. And they’re like, “That’s not what I was going to say.” I’m like, “Oh, shit. I got the conversation wrong.” And sometimes you do know what they’re going to say and it’s still valuable to have the conversation. That was actually something interesting that I learned, which was, yeah, I knew what you were going to say. For some reason, it was still better when we had the conversation and getting through those fears.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

The spirituality stuff can really freak people out. And it really freaked me out in the beginning. I felt like I had this disease of more, this serious, deadly, progressive addiction problem that could attach itself to anything. And I was being told that spirituality and praying was going to help me. And that really pissed me off and also concerned me for how I was going to survive.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

And I think it’s something that I’ve gotten closer to and had more understanding around the longer I’m sober because, as you said, with the ego, E-G-O, everything, what did you say? It was everything-

Daryl Ralph:

Good outside.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

Good outside. Everything good outside. Yes. And experiencing that. Experiencing that everything outside of yourself that’s good or bad when that is the reliance. It doesn’t hold. And it isn’t the thing that keeps you sober.

PART 2 OF 4 ENDS [0:40:24]

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

And I’ve had situations where everything good was outside me and then I traveled, or I moved, or something changed. And then the whole thing was a house of cards and came down and I felt like I wasn’t able to handle that. And it just showed me, oh my gosh, I’m so reliant on all these things outside of myself to work perfectly. I’ve set it all up. I’ve arranged the play and I’ve arranged my life.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

And this is with over a decade of sobriety, I’ve ranged everything so that it works perfectly. And when everything works perfectly, I’m good. Right? I’m great. Sobriety is great. But then when those things fall, when one of those pillars falls, I’m totally destabilized in a way that doesn’t feel safe.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

And that really pointed out to me that spirituality component where I was lacking and really needed to put more work into that. And I think that’s been, every year, I understand a little bit more the importance of the spirituality piece. But when I started, when I first got sober, it was just like getting the substances out of my body. That was the best I could do.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

And I was just not in APAA, like AP recovery, whatever advanced. That was just not where I had to… It was like one day just getting the substances. I was doing the bare minimum, the best I could do. And over time, I get to upgrade my recovery program.

Daryl Ralph:

Yeah. Yeah. And that’s why, I mean, I have a love-hate relationship with AA a little bit. And I don’t know if, whatever. I’ll debate it all day long. It’s my experience. It’s absolutely saved my life. I did the 12 steps with a group. If anybody ever comes to me, I would absolutely say, “Start with AA and it may stick and it may not.”

Daryl Ralph:

And the reason I know that’s not the only way, that’s where I have a little bit of an issue, because there are some people in there that, well, they will judge. And I’ve seen people sober. I saw one guy saying, “Yeah, I’ve been sober for 10 years. I feel great. Blah, blah, blah. I don’t go to AA.”

Daryl Ralph:

And then somebody from AA said, “Well, you don’t have real recovery.” It’s like, “What are you talking about? You can’t judge that at all.” If you’re living a good life and you’re happy, then keep going. Keep going. I agree with you. I never want to stop learning and stop seeing different ways. I worked at a youth rehab and those kids taught me that there’s a hundred ways to skin a cat.

Daryl Ralph:

In early recovery I was saying, “No, you have to go to AA. You have to just stop everything.” I was in school to get a job in a recovery field.” Right? And it came to a part in the course where I was taught harm reduction. And I was just straight up, “Nah, I don’t understand this at all. The only way to stay sober is to not use anything.”

Daryl Ralph:

So the teacher just asked me one simple question, “How long did it take you to get your first year of sobriety?” “Well, six years. That’s harm reduction, Daryl. Each time you’re just trying to improve. A little bit better. A little bit better.”

Daryl Ralph:

The reason I talked about AA though is just because I think it’s just the best way, the quickest way, not the best way, but it’s just you instantly have a support group. A support of people. To have people around you, I believe, in the beginning, is just the most important thing. Whoever it may be [inaudible 00:44:14].

Daryl Ralph:

Like when I was in my deepest of deepest addictions living by myself, I was just fixated on ending things and my cat came up. And I might actually get emotional right here. And got on my chest. The love that I had, I had no love for anything, but I had my damn love for my cat. And I was like, “Who the hell is going to feed you in the morning?” I swear to God to this day that that cat saved my life.

Daryl Ralph:

So, that support looks different all the way, but the best thing it can do, and I know people who are using right now, I remember what it’s like. It’s like, “Yeah, I’ll do this and I’ll do that, but I will not do that. And I’m not going to…” But if you can really open up your mind and just let go and go to some rehab, some kind of a rehab, hopefully an accredited one.

Daryl Ralph:

And you have an instant support group. You have instant people with education on the matter, you have an instant program. And to me, a program defined means many different goals. And I think that’s super important because it occurred to me one day, I’m like, “Man, so many people relapse because they’re not aware that they achieved the goal.”

Daryl Ralph:

It’s just the same as working out and stuff, or even for the musicians, anything to progress, anything to get stronger, better. You have to realize when you’ve achieved the goal and then move on to the next. So for instance, we all can say, “I’m not going to drink today,” and you don’t drink. Your goal is achieved.

Daryl Ralph:

The problem is now a lot of people would just be like, white-knuckling. Well, I want to drink but I’m not going to drink. I’m not going to drink.” And how long is that going to last? Or it’s like, “Okay. I achieved that goal. What’s the next goal?” Okay. So the next goal would be go into a rehab, go get support, create a program of progressive goals that gets you to the next step, next step, next step, next step.

Daryl Ralph:

And I mean, in AA, you have that, you have the steps. I always tell people, “I’m going to these meetings, I’m going to all these meetings and I still just want to drink.” “Have you done the steps?” “No, but I go to the meetings.” I’m like, “Well, you’re not doing a program.” The program to me, AA is the 12 steps.

Daryl Ralph:

If you’re not doing the 12 steps, you’re not doing the AA program. The meetings, in my opinion, are the support in order to do the steps and you all go and compare, “Hey, how is step four going for you? And did you do this? And how did you feel when this happened? And I don’t understand step three.”

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

Stay tuned to hear more in just a moment.

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Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

There’s also something you said, “I still want to drink, but do you need to drink?” When I was using and in the throws, I needed to use, I needed to drink. It wasn’t a want, it was a need.

Daryl Ralph:

Lifeline. Yeah. I felt like I was going to die if I did not get it. Yeah.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

Yeah. And then the want has changed over time. There have been times, same with smoking cigarettes or other things, it’s like there have been times where I have wanted to drink, or wanted to smoke, or wanted to whatever it was, wanted to shoot heroin, but I didn’t need to. And that’s the difference, right?

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

The difference is the need. And I think over time that want goes away. The need goes away first and then the want starts to go away. Right? But it may not ever fully go in. I think people expect that the want is going to go away along with the need. And that happens for a lot of people. It does. I’m not one of those people who, where it just went away. It just didn’t, but the need went away. And I needed that to happen first.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

And like you said, you can’t be successful if you don’t define your success. Right? Because you’ll just pass it and have no idea that you succeeded. Some people, they make it to the MBA but their goal was to make it to the Olympics. Well, for many people you make it to the MBA, that’s success, but for them, if making it to the Olympics was the success, right? Well, it’s how you define it.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

And defining that success is really important. And for a long time, me defining success was just putting another day together. It didn’t matter. Trying not to get arrested, putting another day together, don’t hit anyone. I mean, seriously, that was the best I could do. And then it gets more complex, right? We upgrade our sobriety over time.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

And the thing with AA and 12 step, which I will say as someone who’s been going to 12 step meetings for over 20 years, there are a lot of people and opinions in program. The same way there are a lot of opinions in all the religions of the world, right? You know how people say, “Hey, these extremists over here, they don’t represent our religion.” Right? They say, “These extremists, these people over here, they don’t represent our religion. They don’t represent…”

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

Well, it’s the same thing with 12 step. There are a lot of people who say a lot of dumb shit that has nothing, that is not either in the 12 step literature. That’s why people are so serious about 12 step literature, approved literature, because so many people want to make it really clear like, if you don’t go to AA or you don’t go to 12 step, that doesn’t mean you’re not sober. That doesn’t mean you’re not in a recovery.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

Like you said, 12 step, in my experience, working in the field, having been to lots of different types of meetings, having created a support group, platform, community myself, AA is the fastest. It’s the fastest. And anywhere I move, I can go to an AA meeting and I can meet a group of people that are like me. When I traveled abroad, I just went to an AA meeting. I met a group…

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

It’s the fastest, for sure. There’s no question. If it’s not for you though, that’s okay. I always suggest that people try to go to a bunch of different meetings, different types of meetings, because that one old timer in the corner who’s just saying that whatever shit he wants to say, he is not AA. He is a person in AA, the same way that you go to a church and that one old guy in the corner saying whatever they’re saying about the religion. They aren’t the religion either.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

So, those things are important, but I a hundred percent agree with you that it’s important that there can be a love-hate relationship with someone. Don’t throw the baby out with the bath water.

Daryl Ralph:

Yeah. Yeah. Well, I mean, life’s not over, but I know I am going to have lifelong relationship. And I don’t personally go to AA anymore. Again, recovery is a process, right? But each and every way I’ve always had support around me. People I can throw ideas off of. And even though I don’t, I still have great relationships with the people that I’ve met there.

Daryl Ralph:

And yeah. I mean, the people that you do meet there, most of them will give you the shirt off their back. Yeah. I mean, I literally, the step study I went to, this is when I was just like, the recovery gods were just answering my every question. I was just on this wave of recovery and life-changing moments.

Daryl Ralph:

And my sponsors signed me up to a step 12 separate, like the meeting, like we’re doing the 12 steps. That’s why you’re going there is we’re actually going to go through the 12 steps together. Step three absolutely changed my life. And it was the meeting, I was like, we have homework. And I was just like, made a decision to turn my…

Daryl Ralph:

Okay, I made a decision. Whoopty doo. I got nothing to add to this meeting tonight. I’m not even going to go. I did talk myself into going. And yeah, they just talked me through it and just said, “Just start out with praying.” And then I realized that step is meant to make a decision probably, depending on where your life is, maybe a thousand times a day make a decision. This is not mine. I’m not dealing with that.

Daryl Ralph:

But in that same step study, I was just on my way out of rehab. So transitioning back into real life, trying to get a job. And there was one job that I wanted just because it opened up my night to go to just a meeting every single night. But I needed a car. I didn’t get my license until I was in recovery. So, 35 is when I finally got my license.

Daryl Ralph:

But I needed a car to get there and I was just like, “Yeah, what am I going to do here?” That’s funny. I was just starting Facebook back then. And a guy messaged me and said, “I was about to sell my car for a couple of hundred bucks, do you just want it?” I was just like, “What’s going on here, man? You’re just going to give me a car?” And he’s like, “Absolutely, man. I know it will mean more to you than 200 bucks will mean to me.”

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

Oh my God. 200 bucks? Did it have an engine?

Daryl Ralph:

Well, he was just getting ready to scrap it basically. And I don’t know why, because that thing lasted me probably about 10 years. Yeah, it lasted me great. Yeah, it got me to work and I was allowed to take the job, gave me the capability of taking that job. And I quickly got fired from the job a few months later because it was a factory job that I was just, again, still trying to rewrite my story.

Daryl Ralph:

I always took jobs that I just thought were easy to get. I worked in a factory when I was using and that just was not cutting it, so five minutes in that factory felt like five hours. And I was just saying, “Ah.” And it was humbling because I found myself calling in and I was like, I couldn’t blame be a drunk now. And they called me in the office. They said, “You’re a great worker when you’re here,” because I didn’t want it. It was a quote. Right?

Daryl Ralph:

So it was just like blasting out parts, welding, just quick welds. And I didn’t want to stand around. So my coworkers were pissed at me because I was just smashing quota and they were like, “They’re going to move the quota. Man, you got to chill out. And I’m like, “I’m not standing around.”

Daryl Ralph:

But they were like, “Yeah, you’re a good worker when you’re here, but we’re going to have to let you go because you’re never really here.” And that’s when I was like, “What am I passionate about?” It forced me to really look at what I’m passionate about. Music obviously was the first thing, but I was like, “That’s not paying the bills.”

Daryl Ralph:

And so I, wait a second, recovery. Recovery is way more than everything. I went back to school, and yeah, I ended up working at a youth rehab for seven years after that.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

Wow. And now your dream of being a rock star, I was actually… So you’re in a band, Bonds of Mara and I am a huge rock, heavy metal fan. And so, I’m going to see, I love Metallica and I’m going to see Metallica for the first time in October too. They’re doing a festival two nights in a row. My husband got me tickets and he got me a piece of jewelry, which I also love diamonds. He got me a piece of jewelry. My birthday and Christmas are right next to each other. And he got me a piece of jewelry and he got me tickets to Metallica and I sobbed over the tickets of Metallica.

Daryl Ralph:

You haven’t seen Metallica live, aye?

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

Can you believe that?

Daryl Ralph:

Oh, wow. Yeah. You’re in for a treat. You’re in for a treat.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

They’re headlining two nights in a row. And so, yeah, when we were dating, he flew me to a tool concert. And so, it’s like…

Daryl Ralph:

And way off topic, but last night, did you hear Joey Jordison passed away?

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

I did.

Daryl Ralph:

The drummer from Slipknot.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

I did and I was really-

Daryl Ralph:

That’s a bummer.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

That’s a bummer, yeah. And I was really relieved that I’d seen Slipknot back in there when they were at the top of their game.

Daryl Ralph:

Yeah. Yeah.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

Yeah. So anyway, I checked out your band, really good.

Daryl Ralph:

Thanks.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

I liked the killed…

Daryl Ralph:

Killed The Love?

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

Killed, yes. I listened to both songs, but I liked that one a lot. And was listening to your drum skills in there. This is all to say that the dream of being a rock star and being part of the music you love and doing something you love, that even that didn’t go away and that has come to, you have been able to make something of that. You want to tell us a little bit about that, about your bands and what’s been going on?

Daryl Ralph:

Well, yeah. And again, I equate that all to being in recovery. Because I did, I just started gradually flipping this, as much as I started drinking and you started getting into deeper drugs, the opposite can happen too, where it’s like, you start out just sober. And like you said, you’re just trying to get… I was like, yeah, one day at a time. And I was like, one day, I mean, okay-

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

One hour.

Daryl Ralph:

… I mean, 15 minutes. Yeah. Yeah. And then you start, you’re surrounding yourself, you attract people into your life with the same values. And it’s what you put out there. And again, love, right? If you put out love, all those same values and you have focus and direction… And especially, I hate to make it sound like I have focus and direction and work hard. I can’t stand when somebody is 20 years sober and they’re like, “Every day struggle. We’re doing it. We’re doing the hard work.”

Daryl Ralph:

I’m thinking to myself like, it’s not hard work. Right? To be honest, I’m not waking up… I don’t know when the last time I woke up going, “Man, I hope I don’t drink today. And I’m going into pubs with my wife and playing music, because I did the work and I continue to do the work.

Daryl Ralph:

And it’s hard to describe unless you’re in it. Right? But I mean, it’s the same thing. It’s a process. And you do the work and eventually it just becomes a way, it becomes a lifestyle and you just start doing the things that you need to do.

Daryl Ralph:

People are going to be attracted to you with the same goals. I always tell people, if you want to go to the gym, it’s probably best not to hang out with a bunch of people that chocolate cakes, and let’s eat chocolate cake all day long, and sit on the couch and find value in that. And that’s fine. If you find value in that, that’s awesome. But that’s probably not the people that are going to get your ass over to the gym.

Daryl Ralph:

So, if you’re hanging out… Yeah, I continued to do music and then just more focused became, in sobriety, I always said, because again, values back when I was a kid was like Motley crew. What’s their values? Sex, drugs, rock and roll. And I’m like, “I’m never going to have kids and I’m never going to have a wife.”

Daryl Ralph:

And now I have an awesome and amazing wife. It’s amazing. I just get choked up because I honestly do remember going to bed wishing I wouldn’t wake up the next day. And trying to get the balls to just do enough to just finish my life. And I remember waking up every morning sighing and just like, is there beer in the fridge? At least maybe that’s something to live for kind of deal.

Daryl Ralph:

And now life is just so amazing. The worst thing about my life is I don’t get much sleep because when I wake up, it’s like Christmas. It’s like, okay, I get to do this today. And I get to do this today. And I can’t wait. Let’s bring on the day. Let’s get going.

PART 3 OF 4 ENDS [1:02:05]

Daryl Ralph:

My wife sings, and I play guitar for her, and we do a little, way, we play in pubs and weddings and stuff like that. She’s a paramedic, full-time. Recently retired though, like PTSD. And again, she’s in recovery too, so we could really relate. And I felt like I was able to help her and be a sounding board and stuff for anything recovery. Right?

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

Wait, question. Have you ever been somewhere where she’s singing, you’re playing and she has to drop the mic and be a paramedic?

Daryl Ralph:

That’s crazy that you asked that. There is one time where a guy, he became a friend. He was a regular at this pub and we became friends. We’re like, “Oh, he’s here.” And he had too much to drink the one night we were packing up. And he’s a very big guy and he went [inaudible 01:02:57]. Smashed his head and she ran over, but she was already diagnosed with PTSD and that sent her back a little bit because she…

Daryl Ralph:

It’s a lot of layers to it, but she didn’t want to. She didn’t want to, but then she was stuck with that struggle. Everybody looked at her because they knew her back on and she’s just like, “I’m not that person. I don’t want to be that person anymore. I can’t be that person anymore.”

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

Interesting.

Daryl Ralph:

Yeah, it’s because a lot of people don’t recognize that as an, it’s an injury. Right? So it’s like, if Tom Brady broke his leg, would, hey, the quarterback just went down. Everybody’s going to look at Tom Brady to go play the game? There’ll be, “No, of course not. That guy’s got a broken leg. Okay. Who else can we throw in?”

Daryl Ralph:

Everybody looked at her and it’s like, “I have a broken leg. You just can’t see it.” So she was like, almost anybody else would have been more qualified to take care of that guy right there. She obviously knows everything, kicked in. Yeah. That’s funny that you asked that question because, yeah, that happened.

Daryl Ralph:

And it was weird too. Stuff just happens. I think that vibe, the vibrations of like, she’ll always come back. And she’ll be like, “I just went by a car wreck.” And I’m like, “I’ve never driven by a car…” I mean, I’ve seen accidents. We’ll be having dinner and somebody will have a heart attack over… I’m like, “You guys bring this into your life somehow.”

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

Totally. Totally.

Daryl Ralph:

It’s a vibration that you guys are on. Yeah. So, I don’t know. I just kept continued playing because this is what I love. And I made a decision that I’m going to focus on that. And then, yeah, another band was getting their cartoon or whatever, and they needed a drummer. So, I went and auditioned for them.

Daryl Ralph:

Again, that would be something, in my addiction, I wouldn’t do. I would be too afraid. So, I learned the parts. I went and auditioned and got the part and then one of the bassists from Bonds of Mara, him and I went way back and they needed a drummer. And he saw that I was still drumming online, so he reached out and said, “Do you want to audition?”

Daryl Ralph:

And yeah, after I was just supposed to fill in for some gigs. And we got along great and a lot of my recovery story, because he knew me back in the day when I was just joined. And he was like, you actually inspired me. And yeah, the singer was into recovery and that was a lot of the bond, and the bonds, the Bonds of Mara. Yeah, that was a lot of the bond. And they decided that they wanted that to be the lineup and they offered me the full-time gig.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

That’s amazing.

Daryl Ralph:

And yeah, I weaned my way out of my day job. And now I basically spend a lot of time behind my drum kit trying to just get better. We’re going to be recording the full album. I think that COVID has slowed everything down. So, but it seems like the world’s opening up again a little bit. You’re going to go see Metallica. And yeah, we’re writing to record a full album and get in there and then hopefully get out to tour because I love touring. It’s awesome. Playing live is just the most spiritual, magical thing in the whole world.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

Oh, I can’t even imagine. I can’t even imagine. I wish I could play an instrument. So, Bonds of Mara, did you tour with them at all before COVID?

Daryl Ralph:

Yeah, the tour got shut down. Well, we made it to, we had one more show. And it was just like, we actually took a couple of videos offline because we didn’t know the severity of it. We were being jackasses and we fully took accountability for that. Because we could see the shows, and then it’s like, now the audience is cut in half, what the hell is this?

Daryl Ralph:

And four dudes in a car were all like, “Screw this. We’ll keep going.” Not really listening to the news and just hearing bits and pieces and just not really taking it too serious. Yeah, we went live and we were just like, “Okay, we need everybody to come out. Screw COVID.” And it’s like, yeah, no, maybe that’s not a good message to be putting out there. Yeah. It was super early though. Right?

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Daryl Ralph:

But then it actually was that gig where we saw, it was just, okay, we got to start looking at this. What’s happening and what’s responsible? So, we had one more gig. We canceled it. And all my drum students called me up pretty much in the same day and said, “I guess we’re not allowed to come over.” And I wasn’t really doing Zoom or anything yet. It was all in-person. It’s crazy how the world’s changed and it was pretty much two years.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

Yeah.

Daryl Ralph:

Yeah.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

Yeah. I think of that thing we were talking about earlier where I think a lot of us couldn’t, at least I couldn’t sustain that level of fear for a long period of time, for months and months a year. And so getting adjusted to the trauma of COVID and all the things that were going on has been part of the story over the last couple of years. Because I just couldn’t stay afraid the same way. So, I had to train my brain to listen and acknowledge because the fear had to go somewhere. I couldn’t stay that level. That level of vigilance just didn’t stick with me. I couldn’t.

Daryl Ralph:

Well, I think I do notice a lot of my friends that are in recovery have handled it, I hate to compare, but better than people that aren’t, just because we already have a routine. We already have putting things into perspective. Just think of the Serenity Prayer.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

Support group.

Daryl Ralph:

We have no control over this. Yeah, you just do what you can do and leave the rest to whatever is going to happen. You can only take care of yourself. And since then too, I’ve chill. Well, when COVID did happen, I thought of myself. I was like, “Man.” To me, the opposite of recovery is isolation. And so I’m like, “Here’s the government, the world is telling us to isolate, basically.”

Daryl Ralph:

And so I was thinking, “If I was using right now, that would be a really, really scary place.” So, I tried to use social media as much as possible. I went live every day. Just telling my story and just giving as many tips as I could as to how addiction works and how recovery works and possible things to do within this situation.

Daryl Ralph:

And my wife had to remind me is, first of all, why are you doing this? Always remember why you’re doing it. Because when you don’t get the comments and the likes and the stuff like that, it’s just like, “Is anybody even listened to me? This is a waste of time.” But she also said, “Think of the subject you’re talking about. Nobody’s just going to come right out and say, “Hey, yeah, I’m dealing with that.” It is all in silence.

Daryl Ralph:

And I do have a lot of people reaching out to me every day saying or asking, “Can I talk to you? This is happening. What’s your opinion?” Just things like that. And so, I do know that, the reason I’m saying this, I just think if anybody’s in recovery and you think that you can’t help somebody by telling your story, I would say bullshit to that and I would say your story is your gift.

Daryl Ralph:

And if you’re comfortable with it, shout it from the rooftop because you’re going to save somebody’s life. Guaranteed, you are going to save somebody’s life.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

Yeah. Yeah. I think this is an important piece to have a musician talk about. What would you say to the people who say, “I can’t get sober because then I lose my creativity, that creativity that I won’t be able to play music, or draw, or whatever their creativity is, but particularly musicians. I won’t be able to write music, have that inspiration if I’m not loaded.”

Daryl Ralph:

And that’s really, you almost have to talk, it’s like individual basis. Because I mean, I thought that way in my addiction. It’s just showing up every day. There’s an awesome book. I would tell everybody, and it’s a really easy read is, The War of Art, not The Art of War, The War of Art. Steven Pressfield.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

I was literally just thinking of that book. Yep.

Daryl Ralph:

Man, it’s a great book. It’s just basically get your ass in the seat. It’s just the idea that… And he talks about muse and that’s what… So, the way I would describe it, I would just say, again, we go back to spirituality. This is where, to each their own. People are just like, “You don’t even smoke weed, man. Come on, you smoke weed.”

Daryl Ralph:

And I don’t because I know myself. I know what it would lead to, but more importantly is, I am in touch with my spiritual side. And that’s where he talks about this muse. And whatever that muse is, it could be whatever. You might hear a song and that inspires a poem, or talking to somebody. It’s whatever your muse is.

Daryl Ralph:

When you’re in that seat, when I’m behind this drum kit, the quickest way for me to get creative at this drum kit is to sit behind this damn drum kit and understand everything about this drum kit and make it a part of me, whatever that might be. That might be writing, that might be singing, a florist, a photographer, anything.

Daryl Ralph:

To me, and this is me, and I know my brother might, I don’t know if he… Well, he’s cool. He talks about weed all the time, but he actually gets more self-reflective when he does smoke weed or things like that. Each their own. To me, that takes me farther away for…

Daryl Ralph:

I used drugs and alcohol to stunt my spiritual self, which means I needed to stunt my feelings, my thoughts and emotions. And to me, all those things put together, and my physical self is spirituality. And if I’m using anything to numb that or to mind alter that, that takes me farther away.

Daryl Ralph:

So, the more sober I am, definitely the more creative I am. Is it practice? It takes practice. I practice spirituality. Therefore now I practice my creative side. So, again, if you’re just expecting, that’s the problem with addiction is like, I used to sit back and say, “I need to play drums today. I need to be creative,” glug, glug, glug, glug, glug. Instant. There it is.

Daryl Ralph:

But again, now I’m depending on the outside sources to create my creative side. It’s the same with anybody that depends on sugar or anything like that. It’s just that I don’t feel good, but I can either get up, go for a walk, I could meditate, I could do some mindfulness, but that requires something from inside myself.

Daryl Ralph:

So, it’s much easier just to grab a cookie and the cookie will do its job. And it’s guaranteed. The cookie is going to do its job. And if that doesn’t do it, I’ll do it more, and more, and more. Oh, it’s empty. Now I feel like shit again. And now I feel ashamed of myself. And add all that other stuff on. So, I get it at first because our billion year old brain is used to still having, well, we feel disease here and sober.

Daryl Ralph:

So, at first sobriety is like disease. You’re not easy in sobriety so it’s like the option is always going to be, “Well, let’s drink. Let’s use and this will happen.” One thing that was interesting that it was a group of men and they came in. We didn’t know what the group was going to be in rehab. It was men and sexuality.

Daryl Ralph:

And the question was, has anybody had sex sober yet? And I was thinking, “I’ve never had sex sober.” Never. And I was in my thirties, and that scared the shit out of me. The reason I bring this up it’s the same thing. It’s scary getting behind a drum kit for the first time sober, going on a date sober, meeting somebody sober.

Daryl Ralph:

And now, oh my God, it’s time. We’re going to have sex. That is terrifying. You do it and you become aware of yourself and you understand. And now it’s not just like one night stands, it actually means something. And that’s the other thing. It’s same with music. It actually means something. I listened to the music I created when I was drunk and I thought it was masterpieces and it’s horrible. Horrible. Yeah. Yeah.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

Oh, that’s funny.

Daryl Ralph:

Yeah, I mean, that’s a deep subject. But I think it’s also more like I need to do… If John comes to me and says, “Dude, I play guitar and I’m not…” “It’s okay, John. Let’s ask you a few question as to why you think like this because it’s not about you and your relationship with the guitar, it’s about you and your fears and experiences that you can learn. The guitar has always been there for you. And if it’s something that you enjoy, and it’s healthy, I mean, music is just the ultimate. You could go so many directions with music.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

Yeah. Yeah.

Daryl Ralph:

So, I love it. I love it.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

If people want to follow you and follow your journey and get in touch with you, where do you put out your stuff? Is it just on your Instagram or where can people find you?

Daryl Ralph:

Darylralphdrums_recovery.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

Darylralphdrums_recovery.

Daryl Ralph:

Yeah. Yeah.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

And your music, so if we want to see you when you guys come out on tour, I know Bonds of Mara is on Spotify.

Daryl Ralph:

Spotify and QTube. And we do have a Facebook page. That’s been pretty quiet lately too because, yeah, we’re all just writing and just preparing new materials. So, we’re just going to make it all align. When we have it all done and everything, it’s going to be revamped and just coming right out. And yeah, we’re super excited about it.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

You’re going to do a U.S tour?

Daryl Ralph:

We would love to. We’d love to. We’re just going to have to… Yeah, I don’t even know if I could get into the U.S right now. The borders are closed right now still, right?

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

Right. Right. Right. Yes.

Daryl Ralph:

Yeah. This is a super big lesson in patience this whole year. It’s like, yeah.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

Oh, yeah. I bet. Yeah. Yeah. For all of us. For all of us.

Daryl Ralph:

Sometimes I’ll think back like right now, yeah, if COVID never happened, we’d have an album out. We’d be on tour. You never know how people are going to react to the album.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

That’s true.

Daryl Ralph:

But you like to be optimistic and say, “Yeah, we’d be kicking some ass right now.”

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

Well, thank you so much for coming on The Courage to Change. And I appreciate your story and your willingness to be vulnerable and talk to people and share because I know lots of people are going to get so many nuggets of wisdom out of this. So, thank you so much for coming.

Daryl Ralph:

Thanks for having me. It was great. I had a lot of fun.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

Me too. Me too. I’ll have to keep in touch and let you know how Metallica goes.

Daryl Ralph:

Oh, a hundred percent. Yeah. You’re going to love it. You’re going to love it.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

It’ll be so fun. Well, thank you, Daryl. Appreciate you.

Daryl Ralph:

Take care.

Ashley Loeb Blassingame:

This podcast is sponsored by lionrock.life. Lionrock.life is a recovery community offering free online support group meetings, useful recovery information and entertainment. Visit www.lionrock.life to view the meeting schedule and find additional resources. Find the joy in recovery at lionrock.life.

PART 4 OF 4 ENDS [1:19:22]